I don’t think that tough love has to mean cut all ties and withhold love. The phrase still has the word love in it 
I remember telling my son’s Nana that it was time for some tough love and she took that to mean that I was going to stop loving my son. Never! It’s about putting boundaries in place. Those boundaries are tough but they are being done out of love for not only the person receiving it but also for person enforcing it.
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When it gets to that level you have to act, and even call cops sometimes. can’t just let someone push you around or hit you… at that point it’s not even tough love…it’s personal protection.
In your case there was outright abuse and property being damaged, which is different than someone acting out non violently, so what i said in my post wouldn’t apply in such a situation… I’d have ditched the person too.
Wow. I am super sorry you are in this situation. We are in a similar situation with my mom. The cops were called on her a few times, and she got taken to a hospital twice. Both times, the hospital released her with a paper stating she is a danger to others but not herself. Now I am hearing from a friend whose uncle worked in that hospital that it is not a good place. That she should have gone to the one he works at now. We are still trying to figure this out. I hope you find a way to get your family member the help he needs.
I don’t believe in “tough love”. It’s a euphemism for teaching a person that most human love is NOT unconditional, but requires some kind if reciprocation. Withdrawing support, love, esteem, family contact, etc may quickly teach some people that their behaviour is selfish and cause them to reform. I’m thinking drunks, addicts, violent people, etc. or it may simply end the relationship. But people with major mental illnesses are NOT being selfish. Until they get successful treatment, they are caught in a maelstrom which is extremely difficult to understand, so they can’t do what their families want them to do. I think you need to keep supporting him, showing you love him, tolerating everything. It’s only if you have a relationship of trust that you can help “bring him back.” He’s still your son, that child you brought up, and he’s struggling. Have you told him that he CAN get better? The two things that people need for recovery are a compassionate environment and a mentor or loved one who keeps telling them they can get better.
[quote=“Hatty1, post:24, topic:3493, full:true”]
I’m thinking drunks, addicts, violent people, etc. or it may simply end the relationship. But people with major mental illnesses are NOT being selfish. [/quote]
Actually drunks and addicts are not merely being selfish either they are also suffering from a disease. I know I used to be a drunk and selfish wouldn’t even make the list of traits I could be accused of. I’ve also known addicts who in the throes of their addiction seem to be unbelievably selfish but in character they are far from this.
I suppose it’s the disease it’s self that is selfish and not necessarily the individual suffering from it.
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Yes, mussel, I was quite careful to say their behaviour is selfish, not the person, but I think when people have a dual diagnosis, the addiction is often a coping mechanism - it’s secondary to the MI. We are fortunate that my son has never touched alcohol or drugs so it does seem to made his treatment quicker than it might otherwise have been.
I am not here to cause controversy, merely for insight…
However, I find that tolerating e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g goes too far and might even enable someone’s behaviour. But that’s my opinion…
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Yes, you have to draw the line at violence, but even then you don’t have to completely abandon the person. You can help them from a safe distance or through someone else.
…Absolutely true…
I agree with Hatty, but there are various situations that need to considered. Where violence and abuse are involved and where no amount of pleading gets through - what are people supposed to do? Say the person with SZ starts tormenting his/her siblings? Say those kids are at risk themselves due to what they are witnessing and experiencing?
At which point should parents start thinking along the lines of…if we don’t do something ‘harsh’ and ‘selfish’, the whole family goes downhill? If parents/care-givers cannot get the person involuntarily admitted, if they can’t call the cops, if they can’t get the person to be compliant…then the only other option is to put up with it. And that can be risky for all involved.
I’m not painting a rosy picture of all parents - some can’t be bothered and give up as soon as the illness becomes too much of an inconvenience. My ex (SZ) was kicked out when he lost his job - he was 18 at the time, never violent or abusive. They just felt he interfered with their lifestyle.
On the other hand, other parents and families put up with behaviour that is truly horrific - for years - until they finally decide enough is enough. I know parents who have suffered stress-related heart attacks before deciding to give up.
There’s no one size fits all approach. And, where personal safety and other children are involved, the issue becomes very complicated.
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Hmm.
After having been to treatment for dual diagnosis and meeting and befriending countless people plagued by both mental illness and addiction I’d have to say that very few of these people had been using substances to cope with symptoms of mental illness. In fact what I’d found was that in the majority of cases our substance use predated our onset of mental illness. The majority, like myself, began abusing alcohol and drugs at the average age of 13 or 14, rarely much later, the same average age I’ve found to be common in AA.
Our addiction was never treated as anything secondary at this treatment program. In my experience people suffering from a dual diagnosis are generally suffering from both addiction as well as mental illness rather than using substances to cope with symptoms. I know I abused alcohol long before my onset of mental illness and just continued to abuse it throughout my illness. When I finally recovered from my symptoms of mental illness my desire to abuse alcohol was still just as strong. My recovery from mental illness was easy compared to what it took to come to terms with a desire to remain sober.
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Yes, what I did was to ask my son to move out, but continue to support him and express regard and affection. That was actually before he got a diagnosis. I actually though it was safer for him. I thought if he ended up in prison, he wouldn’t survive it. I didn’t know what exactly was wrong, and he frightened me a lot, but I could see his behaviour was driven by some kind of fear and he was still vulnerable. Asking him to move out was about as tough as I can get. I am quite “straight-talking” but if something hurts my son, I am broken hearted. I could never abandon him.
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Dear Surprised,
I’m so happy for you that you found your way back to your family. Families want to help and understand and even though I do not believe in tough love I will say that my daughter understands that I would never tolerate physical abuse from her. Yes, she has called me names and have said some very ugly things to the family but we all knew it was her mental illness talking. Once she got on medication the verbal tirades stopped.
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Tough love never worked for my son. I just let him suffer the consequences of his actions and help him as best that I can with phone calls and text messages. He lives in Hotel rooms, tents and shelters. Luckily he is functional on his own while still refusing to stay on medications.
There are parents, I am one, who have truly horrific stories about their alcoholic, drug addict, violent mental ill family member with a long criminal record. So it’s hard to judge other families who have no where else to turn.
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I agree completely. But my son’s grandmother (my own mother) calls me a terrible person & mother. What should I tell her? I’ve helped him so much but she doesn’t even remember that part.
In my case there is little that I can say to my son’s grandmother, where he is concerned. For the most part I have stopped trying. I’ve accepted that they both have choices and the right to make the decisions they are making.
Currently my son is in a long-term treatment facility in the area that his grandmother lives. He calls me once or twice a month when he wants smokes or money. I hear second hand through his grandmother what is happening with his treatment which usually doesn’t match what my son tells me.
He’s doing what he normally does and playing the part. He’s doing what they expect of him so that he can get out of there faster. Still he’s stable enough to do what is expected so that’s good.
Anyways much love.
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My son has paranoid schizophrenia and is 25 years old, just diagnosed last Dec. after I called police. I was determined he would never find out it was me who called bc I was so afraid to betray his trust and he would have no one as I am the only person in his Circle of Care, dealing with all this alone as a single mother. He never did find out. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. Unfortunately, he never did comply with his meds and now I am back in the same position as you. We have to have a life too, we matter. It is not unreasonable to think, “meds or get out”. As heart breaking and devastating as it is, in the long run, it may be the best thing you can ever do for your loved one…and for you. Life can’t continue like this, something has to give. He will not improve without meds and you and your family can’'t continue to live like this. Look after yourself by doing what you have to do out of pure love not only for your loved one but for you also because over time the stress we, as caregivers, suffer will wreak havoc on our bodies and souls. Best of luck to you and your family.
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My son is 35 and was diagnosed 12 yrs ago. I ahd to ask him to move out early on because my younger son was only 10 and was afraid to be at home.
My son still resents me for this. It wasnt a decision made out of tough love but out of necessity at the time. It has added to sibling resentments and i continue to be caught in the middle of my two sons who i love so dearly… It is terrible as a single mother with no support from extended family. People just cant understand and its so good to find this site and see that i am not alone in the struggle.
Its not all bad tho. My eldest has improved so much still the early days and has just finished university. (You call it college i think. I am from the uk)
Thanks all.
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Thank you for your kind words and support. This forum has been the best way to relieve stress. My mother and sister call me a terrible mother and person for finally putting my foot down & saying I had enough.
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