A letter to my partner

Family
1

I’m struggling right now ,so I wrote a letter to him . Confused if to send it to him or not ,if I do am I just been selfish?I just want him to see me hear me .I’m ready to walk away.

The hardest part about mental health is watching someone you care about changing before your eyes.Wanting to help but how can you help someone that doesn’t want that help.Been slowly pushed away by that person,they dont want to see you ,talk to you .Needing to say so much to them but keeping it too yourself because right now it’s all about them.But I matter too right.wondering are you ever going to see a glimpse of that person again.Sitting there day after day piecing it all together because they won’t talk to you or what little they have said you know their suffering much more than they say .Is it the right thing not telling them how you feel, would they understand though evan care if you did? Surely they’d want to know there’s someone out there that’s cares that much there suffering there pain aswell?I’m only human ,im feeling this too ,but right now it feels I don’t matter.People say walk away it will be easier but they don’t understand the worry the pain will still be there .How do you help someone that doesn’t want to be helped, sit and hope one day they will want to talk, see what’s in front of them,the life they could have .Do you just keep hoping waiting that they may see there’s things out there worth getting better for .How do I switch off my emotions to this ?Right now they won’t understand if you do tell them but maybe one day they’ll look back and see what was right there before them hopefully before it’s too late.

6 Likes
2

Only you yourself can know if it is time to leave or not. The hardest part of watching a loved one with schizophrenia is being unable to help them if they won’t reach for help themselves. No one here will judge you for your choice.

5 Likes
3

Yes, sometimes that is the best and really only choice. It is so hard when you are emotionally invested and get little or no response, or only the negative kind. After witnessing him in psychosis for the first time, I walked away from my friend. I was able to go on and build a “normal” life with a mentally healthy partner, kids and career. That is something I never could have had achieved had I stayed, and I am grateful every day to him that he did not stop me. But I continued to worry and kept tabs on him. He had his parents to support him, but they eventually died. That’s when I chose to come back into his life again, remotely, as more of a sister/friend. I had a sense that he needed someone. I am the only person from his past with whom he has contact and still trusts. I send him messages or interesting links every few days and occasionally I hear back. If I expected more, I would be entirely frustrated. Instead, I’m content with enriching his life. But that’s my case; everyone is different.

Try to educate yourself as best you can. You don’t tell us if he is on meds or has received any kind of treatment. Sometimes finding the right combination of meds and therapy can help people with SZ achieve something close to a normal life, but they almost never return to where they were before the onset.

1 Like
4

Thanks kwillkat, well said, enriching their lives is huge, some of our family members have very small worlds.

2 Likes
5

Thank you so much for your reply.I wish I could detach myself like that ,I do keep trying over and over again but then i get that tiny bit of hope but i know its not healthy for me either.I wake up during the night in tears, constantly worrying about him,that’s when I can sleep.
He says he’s seeing a psychiatrist but he’s refused meds ,see I’m doubtful how true that is.He lies so much, at the begining it was little things,i never questioned him i knew he was insecure but now i look back at thing’s I feel foulish for putting up with it .Over time the lies escalated and I question now what’s truth or fabrication.
He refuses to see me,it’s been over two months and all we do is communicate via text every day.He says he needs time to sort himself out.Ive tried talking to him how this affects me too,but he doesn’t acknowledge it .All he can say is he finds it hard to talk.I feel selfish saying this but i feel neglected feel so alone.He says he loves me but this isn’t how you love someone.I yearn for a “normal” healthy relationship but hes so emotionally unavailable to me.
He hasn’t told anyone else about his mental health,he has little family around him and what family he does have I don’t think they’d be understanding and supportive.This is breaking me more than he’ll ever know.

2 Likes
6

Hugs @Jlipset10 , I hope you can find some personal peace. Not sleeping is rough.

2 Likes
7

So much has happened in a week …He took the choice out of my hands and ended it with me !Maybe i said too much to him how I was feeling.I confronted him about his lies then the next day he ended it via text!A couple of texts then he was gone like im so easily disregarded! I’ve messaged him since asking him to come talk to me,fight for us but he’s not evan reading my texts!
I feel so numb,I don’t evan know what to feel right now . Someone that just vanishes like they never cared!I should feel relieved but right now all i feel is sadness .Never seeing hearing from him again.

1 Like
8

Before I say this, I’m not trying to shame you in any way. What you are feeling is valid and you have every right to feel it. And it comes from a place of going through something similar myself with my wife. Yesterday she told me that she believed I had gaslit her psychiatrists into diagnosing her with something she doesn’t have along with a bunch of other things, and internally I felt relief, because if that’s what she believes it means she didn’t stop loving me, her delusions told her I had done something unforgivable. I thought she had come out of the psychosis and the real her had stopped loving me.

Firstly, I strongly suspect you will hear from him again. Follow-through doesn’t tend to be that big of a thing with our loved ones who are in the throes of an episode.

Secondly, the person he is now is not the person who you had the relationship with. The man you have known did not stop loving you or caring about you. Let me say that a different way - you are not who the man you knew stopped loving. A person who has recently gone through a serious mental crisis made a decision based on delusions. No matter how absurd they seem to us, the person suffering with a delusion believes they are real. They feel the emotions and the pain that they would feel if the things they believe in had happened. They aren’t lying, as absurd as it seems.

Imagine if one night your partner flashed you a terrifying grin, and then transformed into an elf, crawled into your ear, and planted a device in your brain. The next morning, he acts like nothing has happened. No-one you tell will believe you that this happened, and they just tell you that you need drugs. But it happened. You know how crazy this sounds to everyone around you, but you need help to get the thing out of your brain. You know it is real because it is talking to you, you hear its voice commanding you to do things. Your partner acts like nothing has happened, he even pretends that it didn’t happen at all. The incredible audacity of the person you thought you knew is shocking…he even pretends he is the one who is wronged. You know you need to get to safety from this monster, so you start making a plan, and quietly pack and prepare a way to get out and get away…but the device in your brain is making your thoughts so fuzzy you can’t concentrate. Finally you manage and you slip out in the middle of the night, finally safe. The monster you left behind tries to text you, but you know better than to even look, it’s how she communicates with the device. As long as you keep going you are finally safe.

It’s not about you. I don’t mean that you don’t have the right to feel what you feel - your trauma is real, your pain is real, I see it and I know it because I carry that pain too. But he didn’t leave YOU. He doesn’t hate YOU. Until he is out of psychosis, he cannot even see you, he can only see the delusions. He can’t see you, or how he is acting, or anything else.

4 Likes
9

Very well said.

Some of the people suffering terribly on this board right now continue to express their heartache about being coldly and cruelly treated by their schizophrenic partners, as if those partners were capable of semi-rational thoughts and motivations. They talk about their ill partners no longer loving them as if it were a conscious, calculated rejection. But the reality is, those ill partners are in the grip of delusion and/or psychosis and either refuse meds or aren’t being served well by the meds they are taking. But it is very hard for us “normies” to process this and understand the way forward. It is almost like we become delusional that the people we knew (or imagined we knew) are just out of reach but will snap out of it and return to the way we wish they would behave.

I found this video of Dr. Amador simulating delusional thinking with a volunteer from the audience at one of his talks very helpful. Begin watching at the 8 minute mark:

4 Likes
10

Thank you for this insight. I have been struggling as well with my son and his disconnect. Your words are helpful.

1 Like
11

You will hear from him again.
In the meantime, take good care of yourself.

4 Likes
12

I agree. They never forget who loves them.

3 Likes
13

Thank you for posting this video and for naming the 8 minute mark as where to start. It is such a good demonstration of delusion and anosognosia. I wish I’d seen it long before this.

3 Likes
14

I’m in a similar situation as you and I understand your feelings very well.
What you write is to read a part of my own history with my partner, like how he pushes you away and that he has left you. It’s sad to hear that you’re suffering!

My love left me in january this year after having symptoms of psychosis for the last 4-5 months because his meds is not working properly. I haven’t had any contact with my for nearly six weeks.

The feelings you’re having, of that you loved one vanish like he never cared, I know that’s painful. I am feeling it myself, not every day anymore, but some days are easier than others.

My love had an episode three years ago, when he turned cold and emotionless and broke up with me. It was only three weeks until he was fully back in the relationship then.

Now is it nearly four months since he left me and it is the same that happened three years ago, lack of emotions. Like his warm personality disappeared and he became the opposite of the person I know. He accused me for hiding something for him, and said he was hiding something for me. I don’t know what this ‘something’ is. It can be a part of his delusion, because it came out of nowhere.
I don’t know how long it will last this time, but I hope I will hear from him during the summer. But I am at same time afraid I won’t hear from him again.

It feels like a trauma. I understand what you are going through. I am feeling the pain too.

1 Like
15

My love left me nearly four months ago because of delusions, but I am still struggling to understand it. Intelletually I understand what has happened. Emotionally I am yet trying to convince myself. The example you’re writing about make me understand a bit more of how the delusion can be for my partner. Thank you for this insight.

1 Like
16

It’s so comforting to I hear I’m not alone . Everyone on here was right I have heard from him ,we meet up today and he really opened up to me .The man that was sat in front of me was so fragile so helpless.

He explained lots to me what he goes through on a daily basis , mostly i suspected what he told me but hearing it come from him it all feels very overwhelming at the moment.Im still trying to process it.

You write that you have experienced this with your partner before,him walking away but you rekindle.Does this seem to be a pattern with people suffering from schizophrenia?

He’s told me he’d suffered from this for many many years but he’s been dealing with it ,to him it was some what normal and had it under control.But once our relationship intensified and I saw more of his symptoms things got worse ,where he struggled to keep control of it and in his head he associated me playing the negative part towards that .

In the short space of time that we meet I saw many many emotions from him and at some points him struggling not to show me physically what he was dealing with in his mind .He had little outbursts of what I can only imagine was what he was hearing.

It was all very emotional on both parts .

There’s lots and lots of things going through my mind at the moment of what he said trying to understand the most part .If you want to drop me a message have a chat sound’s like we’re experiencing very similar things.

The more I talk to people experiencing the same or similar situations and read about it the clearer things seem to become,well the best they can .

1 Like
17

I have dropped you a message.

1 Like