I imagine you guys are the only people who understand the sorrow and loss I feel to see my loved one - my partner - get lost to his mental illness. This last weekend I had to admit he was beyond my reach - he is refusing to take his meds, not doing personal hygiene, lost his job, lost his room, got kicked off the property of my apartments and is living in his car. He thinks I am cheating on him even though I’ve repeated that I love him, I’m with him, I want to support him. He hears none of my responses and won’t accept my help. I get glimpses of “him” but then his psychosis kicks in & he looks at me with different eyes. He’s become unpredictable and dangerous to me. Yesterday someone called the police on us talking because he started yelling & I explained to the officer he is having a psychiatric episode and we tried to get him to go to the hospital but he refused.
I am left alone with a particular type of sorrow and loss no one understands unless they have a loved one with schizophrenia or delusional illness. I have to let him go.
I’m mourning and hurting so bad especially since he’s homeless now and suffering. Any advice?
I will bump up the thread named " how do I handle the sadness of my sons schizophrenia"
There is a lot on the thread, I hope it helps. Take care, hope
@stina , Sorry to be so abrupt yesterday, you are correct, the sorrow and the loss is familiar to many on this forum. I hope the thread about sadness helped, we end up isolated a bit because people don’t understand our sorrow.
Take it one day at a time and take care of yourself.
Welcome to the forum @stina , I am sorry that you find yourself here. It must have been horrible for you to see your partner sliding down into the black hole of psychosis. My heart hurts for you. There is no grief like the grief we feel for our loved ones in psychosis. We know they are still “there”, but not really. Refusing meds, especially if they worked before, is a heartbreaking situation. I wish I could help you with your grief. It is a very real emotion and you will be haunted by grief for him for some time, since his illness is lifelong. I understand that you feel you need to let him go.
Perhaps there is a way that he could be helped. Perhaps not. I was very lucky in that an arrest and a knowing judge led to my daughter being force hospitalized and court ordered to take her meds. So she came out of her black hole, after 3 years of psychosis, almost 3 years ago now.
Just remember that you didn’t cause his illness, and if he refuses all help, that you can’t solve his illness.
I am so sorry you are going through this. First and foremost, I would say make sure you are safe. Social media, apartment access, whether or not he knows where you work, ect, could be dangerous. How and when to assess that risk is up to you. Your safety is worth thinking about, as much as your concern and grief for him.
As to dealing with your emotions:
I would say, get counseling as soon as possible. Call your local NAMI chapter, or get to a Women’s Crisis Center if you can. While they can’t help with something that isn’t DV most of the time, they will still have resources for free or low-income/no idea what to do or where to go, counseling or MH (Mental Health) help. Please take what time you need to heal. If counseling DOESN’T sound like something you want to do right now, writing out your thoughts in a journal can help distance you from the emotions at the end of the day and will be a good reference for if/when you seek out counseling. For me seeing the marked change in my writing when I am in better mental health drives me to always seek treatment or to advocate for myself and others when I start to get some of the worst feelings (guilt/fear/ ect). No one will do this for me and no one can judge my thoughts or help unless I tell them I need it. Reading through my “Bad” diary entries versus the “Better” and “Best” feeling ones give me a sense of perspective on the difference between my unwell versus well self. From a MH perspective it is one way to judge if I either need to review some of my coping strategies or if I need more clinical help.
I hope you’re doing well. Please take care of yourself, in whatever ways you can.