My boyfriend and I have been together for over 4 wonderful years, and been best friends for over 25 years. I love him more than life itself and he is the one person in my life I could never bear to lose. He is diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic, although he also suffers from severe depressive episodes accompanied by suicidal idealation, and at times crippling anxiety. He has had a very difficult life, being in foster homes, being adopted, dealing with short lived difficult relationships, and having a history with addiction. I myself have lost many loved ones over the years and have at times dealt with depression and alot of self image and self worth issues. I only have a few family members left, and they were not ok with me moving in with him or even being in a relationship with himā¦ so this has also caused much anxiety and difficulty in my relationships with them. I know they love me and want the best for me, but I also feel as though they should respect my love for my partner as well. I moved in with my boyfriend a year ago.. due to his depression, extremely low testosterone, possible vitamin defficiencies, and being mostly unmedicatedā¦ our intimacy has been very greatly reduced, and he seems to also be struggling with depression, suicidal thoughts, and having difficulty staying to any routine. So, not keeping up with doctor appointments, labs, not consistently takings his meds, and not having motivation to even really get out of the house much. I want to be clear on the fact that he is a very kind, loyal, loving, compassionate, sweet, thoughtful, smart, fun and funny, wonderful man, and we share all household responsibilities, as well as love all of the same things so spending time together is amazing. We have had a wonderful romantic relationship as well as friendship. Over the last 6 months or so, he has been dealing with crippling depression, and has relapsed on drugs several timesā¦ the most recent time though was on crack cocaineā¦ it has sent him into addiction, and has made his symptoms skyrocket. He has days when we is the most loving sweet husband to me, days when weāre more like friends, and days when it feels like he absolutely loathes meā¦ I do my best to stay level headed, try not to take hurtful things personal, and make sure he is eating and drinking, talk with him and be loving and supportive, and take care of him and his needs to the best of my ability. I am currently his live in aide. This time in particular though, he has been adamant about ending our romantic relationship.. which he has mentioned before during episodes, then later apologizes and assures me was just the demons feeding him lies, and thats how is mind treats him sometimes.. but this time he is very convinced that I hate him, that Iām āone of themā, that Iām playing games with him, that I want to give up or leave him, and has said Iāve said and done things that I havenāt. It has gone back and forth between him being somewhat stable and our relationship being perfectly fine, and then him having hallucinations, being delusional, angry, and wanting to leaveā¦ itās like bouncing back and forth between polar opposites. I have been trying to convince him to go to the hospital for detox and psych treatmentā¦ but so far it has been unsuccessful. I am severely depressed currently, feel absolutely drained, and have no idea how to proceed from here at the moment. I am trying to just give him space by staying in my room, and praying that things ease up. I love him more than wordsā¦ I just donāt know what to do right nowā¦ thank you and Iām grateful there is a place for us to connect with others in similar situations. Does anyone have any advice?
I am so sorry that your home life situation has deteriorated so badly. In my life, addiction to drugs and alcohol has affected many Iāve known in the past, several of whom passed away. Unfortunately, I have not been successful at helping anyone to get off of drugs or alcohol that didnāt WANT to get off of them. Those addictions, as Iām sure you know, can lead to death. It is so hard to watch. I wish you the best, you have a hard struggle going on, and love isnāt always enough to help our loved ones. I wish it was. My advice is to get yourself the help you need to handle your own self, as if you get depressed and drained, you are the only one who can help you.
Thank you I do greatly appreciate your kind words. He is such a sweet, kind, wonderful manā¦ but the drugs have ramped up his hallucinations, and although he keeps trying to quit and keeps doing all he can to not let his delusions affect me, it is still painful to see him go through this. He has been through so much in his life, so much tramaā¦ I love him with all my heart and soul and pray oftenā¦ it feels like being robbed of something more precious than words can sayā¦ we had just moved in together last year and were finally getting rolling on chasing our dreams together, then he hit the depression, then more recently the drugsā¦ and I do completely understand how depression and suicidal thoughts can drive anyone to extreme measure to want to just feel better even if its only momentaryā¦ but i wish so much to just simply see him happy and able to just enjoy life moreā¦ I know I have chosen a more challenging path than some.. and he has even told me I dont deserve all these hardshipsā¦ but he means the world to me and I wouldnt trade it for anything. Weāre a teamā¦ and hopefully, with Gods help, we can pull through these tough times together.