Am I doing the right thing?


I’m smack dab in the middle of a “rough patch”. Condensed history: My SO (he’s 29 and I’m 40) and I have been together off and on for the past three years. He’s known he is SZ for years, but wasn’t formally diagnosed until Dec. ‘17 after he was self admitted to a hospital during a psychotic break. We were pregnant last spring, and I lost the baby at 8 weeks in May. I also almost died from all the hemorrhaging while in the hospital, as well. Two days out of the hospital, and SO takes off. December comes and he literally just walks back into my house wanting me to take him back. I firmly said no, and told him to leave. When he realized it had been months, not days, he sought help and was hospitalized. He left AMA, but reached out while medicated and I was there to support him. Well, he quit taking his meds, refused going to his follow up appointment, refused second appoint I was able to get him, and has been in and out of psychosis since. Mainly in.
First huge issue was he broke a door in the house before Christmas, so he has a DV charge. I made it clear to him I was not going to allow this sort of behavior. Last week in court, I asked they drop charges as low as possible as long as he is mandated mental health treatment. That went incredibly well; diversion and treatment.
This week, not so well. He was starting to slip again, even before court the week prior- started smoking, staring off, moments of catatonia, wearing a rosary, staying up all night. I knew to be ready to call 911 when full on psychosis hit to get him immediate treatment. Early Wednesday morning, we hit that point. He woke me up in the middle of the night to let me know he “knew everything”. I was sleeping with every neighbor, I was sleeping with my dad, I was sleeping with a cop that he finally met, I was astral projecting at night and sleeping with men then…I tried to diffuse the situation by saying things like “I’m sorry you believe I would do those things to you. That has to be incredibly painful. I’m sorry you are going through this”. He wasn’t having it. He struggled with me to get my phone, smashed it, and was pinning me down refusing to let me leave. Every attempt, he’d pick me up (I’m 110 lbs and he’s 185lbs) and drop me down on the bed, just seething I should be sorry I did those things. He was angry and forceful, but he wasn’t going to hit me or hurt me, just incredibly uncomfortable. So, when I did manage to get away, I called 911 from my dads phone. Again. And he was arrested. Again. He’s very calm with police, so that’s a blessing. But now, he has a second DV charge- including battery because I have a cut on my arm- but I’m not sure from what because it’s relatively small.
I talked to the victims advocate the next morning and was adamant about this not being a criminal case, that he needs treatment, that he is depressed and possibly suicidal.
Did I go to far by calling 911 again? If the phone had not been broken, he would have been taken to the hospital, and I’m furious that isn’t the way the system works, and at myself for not knowing that aspect to begin with. His mother is SZ and unmedicated, and feeds his behaviors, so it’s just me trying to give him a chance at a life without constant fear.
Do I keep pressing forward as hard as I am? Or do I just step back? I haven’t seen him since the incident, and honestly I don’t know if there was an extended no contact order until court April 5th. He also did not make a plea during the arraignment, which I think was the smartest thing to do. I’m also at a loss what to do if he comes back. Usually, he’ll be back when he’s closer to clear headed, but it breaks my heart when he’s crying and just begging for me to just sit with him and he’s still in the throes of it; I can’t in good conscience leave him in pain. :woman_shrugging:


You did the right thing calling 911. He could have gotten worse later in the night. I had a similar experience w my ex. He became violent w me, something he never was. He took my cell phone. As I cowered in my bed, he continued to yell at me from the living room. Luckily, he left his phone on the dresser, and I was able to call 911.

If you want to cut ties, now is the time to do it.


It sounds to me like your significant other is very dangerous. While it’s understandable that the reason for it is mental illness, that doesn’t excuse the behavior and doesn’t allow for you to be turned into a human punching bag for his mental illness. I personally would take the necessary steps to take myself out of the situation. I realize that there’s a lot of emotion involved and it’s easy for me to say that. But you’re at an advantage with that because you can get an outside perspective looking in that can help you find a path forward.

Try to remember that it’s not your job to save him. It’s absolutely okay to provide him resources and support and help if he’s willing to take it and act on it. But at the end of the day you can’t force someone with mental illness to do what they don’t want to do. And that’s probably the hardest place to be of all. You can have hope if they’re willing to take your support and your care, but if they refuse it you have to allow it. I’m fortunate right now my child is a minor and she has to do what I tell her but I also try to avoid going to an extreme with it and I try to respect that she is an individual with her own will and desires and dreams.

If such resources exist in your area getting a social worker involved who can act as an advocate for him might be a good avenue. I have heard of Wellness programs that allow for wellness checkups and management for independent adults with with certain mental illnesses but they are hard to find.

Think for a moment of the situation that you just experienced but add in a knife or gun. What do you feel the outcome might have been? Would your situation have ended in a terrible tragedy? If the answer is yes there’s nothing that you can do but protect yourself. While his mental illness may be outside of his control the risk to you is what you need to consider first.

I hope this helps and I’m very sorry for the situation you’re in and for the situation that your significant other is in as well.


I think the best course is just to keep following through with pressing charges then, but with sole intent to be getting him help. Not allowing him to spend time with me, unless it is in the car on the way to our city’s crisis center so he can get help. I know he is terrified of himself because of his strength and his blackouts- the last thing he ever wants to do is physically harm me. Like I said, he didn’t hit, kick, punch, or any other way strike me- and even when grabbing me- there are no bruises or marks, but your point is well taken. He had been in the habit of always carrying a knife, which stopped because he felt safe and calm with me. I honestly don’t think he would use a weapon on me, but psychosis with him is not something that follows hard and fast rules.
I was nervous that maybe I am pushing too hard for treatment through the courts and over-reacting to incidences. In my gut I feel I’m doing the right thing for him, but I don’t have a wealth of knowledge to know if I’m “overstepping” his rights. I’m not concerned with continuing a romantic relationship with him, at least. I’ve detached from that notion.


It was good to call 911. Incidents of DV, from whatever cause, tend to escalate. None of us should ever tolerate any physical aggression.


You’re right that the person you know would NEVER hurt you. The illness can alter perception and thought processes to a point that someone you love is not experiencing shared reality anymore; take no chances with any type of physical aggression. Hide the knives and other weapons.


Whatever you decide, please be careful! My husband was never a violent person, never in a fist fight, but then he started drinking and he gave me a black eye, threatened to break my wrists, wrestled me to the floor! I was shocked that he snapped like that… Just watch out for any aberrant behavior. Better safe than sorry!:rose:


Even though you’re talking about your partner and I’m talking about my son, I’ve been in the same position.

The anger a psychotic person feels when their paranoid delusions are not believed can send them into a very dangerous state. Fake that you believe, then escape.

Please stay safe. Be with him only if you have a third adult with you. Please continue to play hardball. Do not look at “tears” as clarity. They are not. Please continue to call 911.

As Charity said, “It’s not your job to save him”. In fact, it’s not even possible.


I will often tell people that dealing with my alcoholic ex-husband could be more frustrating and difficult than what I’ve been going through recently. With my ex, I was with someone whom at their core was unhappy, and unwilling to change though he had the choice and the faculties to make that decision. I learned my limits, setting boundaries, and how crucial following through was. Now, I’m dealing with someone that is unhappy, but doesn’t want to be there. And, at his core, a genuinely sweet person shrouded in a sickness that has a death grip around his ability to function. My frustration towards his illness is monumental, and equally is my utter helplessness. He hasn’t attempted contact, for which I am grateful; both for his sake (keeping himself away from possible issues) and mine (because having to refuse him comfort is not on my “favorite pastimes” list). I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with abuse- especially coming out of left field, and I can empathize greatly. :gift_heart:


What I’m hearing is be vigilant, don’t assume because it hasn’t happened before, it can’t happen in the future, stop being nervous about calling if there is any cause to, maintain distance, and finally, my safety is primary and his need for help comes secondary to that. I appreciate the responses and certainly the concern. I’d rather hear concern from those who have experience dealing with the behavior than outsiders who are unable to grasp how seriously his brain is malfunctioning vs. he has complete control and needs to stop being such a jerk.


Yes yes yes to all that. Protect yourself first.

And yes. His brain is malfunctioning.

You can do this.


I certainly do not mean to lecture you. It’s obvious that you want to do the right thing by your loved one. It’s a heart breaking illness. Be well.


I may have forgotten to mention that my ex has paranoid sz. He also, prior to becoming violent, never drank.We never had alcohol in the house. I blame his aggressive behavior more on his paranoia. It could be that the alcohol lowered his inibitions to keep his worst psychotic thoughts under control.


I never felt like you were lecturing! Promise! And yes, mine also has paranoid SZ and for a long time was self regulating with alcohol, then quit when he met me. But, he also was taking Xanax in small amounts (.5-.75 mg a day) for the past two years sans prescription. Since Jan. he decided it was a fantastic idea to not only double, or triple what he had been taking, but to eat them like skittles which mortified me, and only intensified any psychosis. Then he fell back into drinking and quit Xanax when he was afraid of jail time. When jail didn’t happen, he decided drinking was bad (which it was- but he was actually affable and less agitated while drinking), and 10-20mg, maybe more, a day of Xanax was preferable. :flushed::confounded: He’s got some stellar friends willing to supply him, doesn’t he? I’ve reached out to both people I know he gets it from and while both agreed he was in a really bad place, only one was willing to cut off his supply. He’s coerced the other into believing he will withdraw if he doesn’t get it, but it was already out of his system for a couple of weeks before he bought more. So, all in all, it’s been a real joyride.


First - I’m so sorry you are going through all this. The self-doubt about what to do is all too familiar. The system is busted so there are no good answers.

I agree with everyone else - you have to protect yourself and if calling 911 is the only way that happens, then you need to call 911.

You didn’t mention where you live, but every state has some NAMI affiliates and all NAMI’s have a helpline. I live in Massachusetts and many people are eligible for Emergency Services that is a jail/police diversion for someone in a mental health crisis. There are also areas that have crisis trained police officers - specially trained for mental illness crises. You might want to talk to your local NAMI about options in your area and also your police department (not the emergency number) to see if they have any CIT trained personnel. There may be other ways to call for help that might not automatically lead to an arrest.

It also sounded like he might have already been mandated to treatment by a MH court. If that’s true - who is providing that treatment and what type of coverage do they offer? If it’s a PACT (Program of Assertive Community Treatment) then they are available 24x7x365. In any case, his case manager, probation officer, someone should be able to give you information about what’s best to do when he’s decompensating.

But to repeat - any time there is a real threat of violence the only choice is 911. Stay safe.


I don’t know if this exists where you live, yet, but in many counties in the US, there exists a mental health crisis hotline to call, when your loved one is having a psychotic episode. They are trained in how to approach and handle a person experiencing psychosis, and take the person to a locked mental ward for a hold, during which they observe, diagnose if need be, and treat his illness with medication. Speaking to someone at your local Nami chapter can point you towards more local resources. Bless you all.


I live in KS, and have looked up the NAMI chapter, but last month I had missed the meeting they held. When Indo call 911, I am always requesting a CIT officer at the scene, because thanks to calling our local Crisis Center, that’s what they recommended. Unfortunate, because he had done property damage and I had, maybe a nail cut?, on my arm, the police said they had no choice but to arrest him despite my pleas and argument for just taking him to the hospital. That was incredibly disheartening. His previous court date had just been on March 15 when he ordered for evaluation/treatment, so he hadn’t gone yet because he still had to file diversion papers and get the final verdict in April. He is also still being seen in criminal court, and I’ve been considering calling his lawyer (not a public defender) to bring up mental health court as a much better route. I haven’t seen him since last week, and as a matter of fact he is missing as far as I know. No friends have seen or heard from him and he hasn’t been at his moms. I called my victims advocate today to see if there was a no contact order issued until our April court appearance, but haven’t heard back. Calling his mom is futile as she is also unmedicated and schizophrenic. Though, yesterday I sent a message from a friends number “I hope he’s doing ok” and of course no response. If there is a no contact, I’m not trying to get him in any sort of bind, but my levels of concern are on the rise. The few people I know that he speaks with are on the lookout and said they’ll contact me if they hear anything. Thanks to another post I was able to do some reading on another website and now seem to think the AOT might be a solid option. Thank you, for validating that I at least seem to be using some of the resources available in my community. :blush:


You really are doing everything you can. Hang in there and know that!


Ok everyone! I can’t write all I want to I. Terms of updating, but I’m looking for some help/advice. It’s Go Time! Whereby I have us scheduled for the mobile crisis unit to come asses my SO’s condition. I am desperate for immediate AOT with hospitalization being last resort, but I’ll take it. What information can I provide the assessment team when they come to ensure all aspects of his illness are taken into consideration? He’s an awesome manipulator and “shuts down” his symptoms on the surface to fool whomever he needs to. I have some bizarre video footage where he claims my dead mother signed the deed of my house over to him that was taken two days ago, been keeping a diary, have audio of him explaining some of his gesturing that he uses to cure those in pain, but I want to make this airtight, no “resonable doubt” in terms of self care, unable to make sound decisions about his treatment and the like. (Sorry, he’s been monitoring me like a hawk lately, and I’m not comfortable rocking the boat until he gets the assessment-don’t want him just taking off). I need this in order to file for an ex-parte so he won’t be put in jail for the bench warrant he now has out for him and his violation of the no-contact order from the judge. I went to court to have it removed so I could have greater control over helping him, but he was a no show for his arraignment and so the judge refused to do anything.


Just fill them on everything you can and request treatment over and over again whenever they suggest other options.

It won’t be up to you, but you can do your best and feel good that you tried either way.

Resources for mental illness treatment in my state are sparse. Only the most ill occasionally receive treatment where we live, but you might get lucky.

I hope everything goes well.