Family and Caregiver Schizophrenia Discussion Forum

Are we doing the right thing?


#1

Hi everyone I am new to the forum and need some insight. It has been a long road with my sons illness. He was on meds for 5 years but last year he went off. He did well for about 6 months but then the symptoms began to return. Everyone told him to see the doc but he said it was under control. Even when stabilized he never keeps a job and his disability doesn’t cover his rent. So I have always helped him.

Lately his sciizophrenia has taken a disturbing turn. He has began accusing me of bIzard things, like abuse, being a witch, sending minions out to get him, causing his illness to get attention. He thinks his little brother and sister ( who are 23 & 18) are in danger from me. He left me a voice mail saying I am dangerous and he needs to work toward taking me out of the situation. He sent a lot of texts with this theme. He has also yelled at me in person.

He was hospitalized but now he is out. When I called him at the hospital to see how he was he said he was fine but I am the one with the problem. I don’t think he is taking his meds or going to following up with the doc. And he is still making threats.

My sister called him and told him to stay away. She said I should have no contact. But I am still worried about him. She says to let him be.
I’m worried about this do you think he could really be dangerous?


#2

If he was good for 5 years with the meds then its sounds like he should keep taking them…

Maybe he needs to reminded he has an illness.


#3

His meds may take awhile to take full affect. Can`t say that he is dangerous-but listen to your gut instincts.
It may be a good idea for him to have his own place.


#4

He has his own apartment but he is ready to get evicted. He quit from his job
He told me he won’t take meds anymore because he has a mission and is receiving Messages from the president
I


#5

Let him know that he wont be able to live with you unless he continues his medication. The case manager at the hospital should be able to hook him up with social services. Talk to them and let them know the situation--that he is losing his place. Best scenario: he will get a case manager outside of the hospital, they can hook him up with SSDI/SSI and a food card, help him find a place to live, help him with doctor appointments. If you are living alone, its probably not a good idea to have him there with you.
Go to NAMI.org and find some support for yourself. Stay in touch with everyone that is in touch with your son.**


#6

Thanks so much for all of your replies! This is really helping me. He has SSI and SSDI but it doesn’t pay nearly enough to live on.
Right now he says he’d rather be on the steets the have me help him. He really hates me right now.and honestly I have done every thing in my power to try to help him. I have always been there for him. I really was a good mom my other kids attest to that. In fact they are really tired of our family revolving around his illness.
Unfortunately I don’t thinkhe wants any help right now. He says he is not unhappy with himself. I really do love my son but not sure what to do now.
I’m starting to think my sister is right I need to back away and let the system help him.
I have talked to the SW and there is help for him.
I really hope he will take it. It’s getting late and I worry night


#7

im sorry tea42 the most tragic and upsetting stories are the ones of people who experience it second hand.

He should be the one on this site trying to help himself.

It took me a long time to accept that I’m just I’ll and it’s all in my head. I still struggle with it honestly. The hallucinations persist and they indicate a very different reality for me to live in.

People want to get better, they want to come off their meds and be normal. If you were in our situation you would see how much we desire this.

Sounds like he wasn’t ready for it.

I wish there was an easy way to resolve this, but there is nothing I can really do.

It’s totally irrational that he would distrust his loving mother.

Good luck. I hope he gets help and wakes up from his delusional state.

If he does wind up on the streets I doubt it would take him long to realize how much it sucks and that might change his thinking a bit.

Keep us updated on how things pan out.


#8

I`m finding out myself that the more I step back-the better things go with my son.


#9

He is symptomatic. if he is making threats , talk to his pdoc. I really dont know what else you can do. Was he abusive when he was living with you? the sad truth of the matter is that many with schiz cant live outside the family home because of their sympthoms. im not saying you should take him back in , especially if he is threatening , im just telling you that there is unfortunately nothing easy. these kinds of situation can continue on for years and sometimes its about taking the least worst option rather than the best option. Barbara , a moderator here , has a son , and he lives in a supported living dwelling. Maybe thats the way to go. if he is not on meds , not putting himself into social settings then he will probably get worse. Another option is to push to get him on disability and then suggest to the pdoc , as a means of getting him compliant , that his disability cheque is linked to him taking a depot(injection). dont tell your son the details. all he needs to know is that he wont get his cheque if he doesnt get his depot. maintain its out of your hands , he doesnt need to know any different.


#10

He sounds like he needs some distance from you-not for anything you have done -or not done- you sound like a kind caring mother who still loves her ill son, so let him experience the real world for a bit, just check in with him once in a while to let him know you haven’t forgotten him.
If this were me,I would maintain a safe distance from him until he takes his meds and there is some improvement.

I also would avoid helping him out until he makes an honest effort to help himself.

There really isn’t much you can do for him right now except make sure he knows he isn’t abandoned.


#11

Thanks again Bridgecomet how old is your son? mine is 31 not a baby. He has never acted abusive like this before. It is really weird he has been in and out of the hospital a bunch and we had 5 stable years when he was on meds. But he wasn’t able to hold down a job for some reason and would never want to take advantage of the services he could.
I know it’s like you said Bryan he just wants to be normal. I do feel bad for him but I feel like my involvement is making him worse. He hates having to depend on me,
He is definitely in the system right now he has a SW and is supposed to be in Out Patient counseling hopefully they will get through to him. We have had many nice times together with family and friends, he a good guy usually.
Thank you all so much for your support


#12

I’m a schizophrenic who does well on his meds.

When I was young and doing well on my meds, a well-meaning doctor took me off them. Once off them. it was hell getting me back on them. Once off them, I didn’t want to go back on them. I was dangerous at that time, and I consider your son dangerous right now.

Jayster


#13

Hi Jayster,

I am staying away from him right one. My husband his dad him not to come around until he is stable on meds and taking care of himself.
I don’t know where he is right now and I am worried. But he is an adult and needs to listen to his docs and SW. He’s just a really stubborn person and hard to deal with.
Thanks so much for your insight everyone is helping me a lot.


#14

Hi @Tea42. You are certainly in a tough situation and I can relate.

Can your son be violent? Unfortunately the answer is yes. If he is threatening you and making statements of getting rid of you then yes I would be concerned. Saying it is psychosis and not your son, doesn’t take away the risk factor. Sorry I may sound a little harsh there however we recently discovered that my son can be physically violent when in psychosis and the reality is that we had lots of warning signs that it was becoming a possibility. No one wants to believe that our loved ones can turn on us. Sadly though when in psychosis it is not our loved one that we are dealing with.

I know it’s not easy however I truly believe that no one should have to deal with certain types of behaviors. Mental illness or not.


#15

My son has been violent toward family members at times. Unfortunately we had to keep our distance. You have to take care of yourself right now. There isn’t much else you can do, hopefully he will have a glimmer of insight and seek help.


#16

My son is 38. Sometimes, I think some of his behavior is because of drugs, or withdrawal from drugs. This illness and drugs are a bad combination…


#17

My son has never taken drugs but can be violent. You have to step back so that he finds out his problems are not coming from you. I decided I couldn’t help my son if he was in prison or I was dead, or both. You are doing the right thing, yes.


#18

Thanks everyone,

Everyone in my family has told my son not to come around us until he is stable on meds, and someone goes with him and hears it from his doc. So I guess he is on his own for now he really has no friends.
He keeps texting me saying that I am the one inducing his mental illness, he seems to be stuck on this idea. it’s so sad I just keep thinking that he’s sick. I wish I could help him. But I know I can not.
He refuses to get back on his meds.
My only consolation is that he only seems to be targeting me. He likes everyone else right now.
And he’s not unhappy with his lot in life.
All of you have been very helpful to me, thanks to you I am not feeling depressed or guilty


#19

This is almost exactly what happened with us. Then my son “hit bottom” reached out for help, started listening to me, started meds and approx 18 months later has recovered enormously and is still getting better. And our relationship is great now after ten years if blaming and hating me! He has to understand 1) its HIM that’s ill, 2) he CAN get better. The first dorsnt mean that there is nothing wrong with the world or other people. But a large part of his problem is inside him, and that’s the only thing HE can change. The second is what you must tell him repeatedly as soon as he grasps 1. As my son found, the minute he made serious attempts to change his behaviour and beliefs, everyone around him suddenly looked supportive instead of hostile. You can’t say that now, though. Believe me, I tried. Ironically people only believe they were paranoid after they stop being paranoid.


#20

Thanks Hatty here’s the question. Do we continue to pay his rent? He can’t afford it at all and quit his job. Or just let it go. It’s a hard decision he doesn’t care about evictions or credit ratings etc. If he gets kicked out there’s no way we can afford to set him up somewhere else. We really can’t afford his rent either.

Hopefully he would get into the hospital and get into a group home or something and not get kicked out. He hates to follow rules.

The best case is that he would say
stabilize and get a part time job. He has in the past But who knows.
I really hate to see him on the street or in the prison system. Which I understand is where most mentally ill end up if there is no family support.
Thanks again glad your son is doing well this gives me hope