I did the right thing and this is what scares me


#1

I know I have done the right thing but my heart is broken. On Monday I called the police. My fiancee’s brother came over because he started taking down things from the walls etc and patching nail holes so he could move out and live in his car. He started ranting even with his brother there. So I called. They did a mental hygiene arrest and took him to the hospital. As of last night they said that they were going to keep him there for 7 days??? He was ok with me yesterday and he even called me last night. I called there this morning and he came to the phone and said that he did not want to talk to me. I was already near the hospital and wanted to know if he wanted something. I went up to see him and they buzzed me in. I walked to his room and said hello and he got up to walk to the intercom then walked out of his room to the front desk. He introduced me by my name and told them that he didn’t want me up there. The nurse asked others who buzzed me in. Last night he was introducing me to everyone. I am soooooo upset. I ran around to walmart last night without any sleep at all so he could have a warm blanket and his favorite snacks. I even let him take my sweatpants so he would be more comfortable. Now what. I’m lost but I am hoping that they can do or something good comes of this!


#2

You are obviously a caring person and your fiancee’s brother was taken to a place that can help him. If he does have a mental illness, you must understand that his actions, including rejection of you in any given moment, are not those of a person with a healthy mind. I have many times left clothing, cards, notes, books or a magazine for our family member when he was in a hospital but would not come out of his room to see us for weeks on end. (He eventually comes out of that “state” and is actually very loving.) I am surprised that you were allowed to go to his room. We have been in the psych unit of five hospitals in two states and none would allow that! Nor would they allow any outside food! You may not find out much from the hospital unless he agrees to share that information. If a MI is diagnosed or suspected, I encourage you and his family, especially, to learn as much as possible about mental illness.


#3

Sorry for the confusion. It is my fiancee not his brother. His brother was at his apartment when I called 911 and asked for a cit officer. With his brother being there it wasn’t his word against mine. My fiancee was diagnosed with sz many years ago but can never accept it. He has been off his meds for over 2 years. The last year has been a living hell. We have been together for many many years but we don’t live together for 10 years due to family problems and his illness out of control


#4

It can be very hard to be involved with a person who has such a terrible illness. Should you want to stick with it (and he has other family so it appears that you are not his only support), you need to learn about how you can help and not enable. And you need to take care of yourself. NAMI.org (National Alliance on Mental Illness) is a good place to start.


#5

I have been with him for a long time. In all of these years I have never experienced what has been happening to this degree. His family doesn’t really get involved. They dont even call yet alone stop by his apartment. His brother stopped over the day that 911 was involved nutbi had to beg him first. So I have been the only support that he has had and he turned on me. I thought he would have been upset with me yesterday so I didn’t expect when I went back today. So frustrated. I really hope and pray that the doctors can get him back on meds and he will feel so much better


#6

@Laz,
Hello, let your fiance know how much you love him and care about him and hope that he understands. Hopefully he will come around. At least the brother was there when it all happened, maybe he can reach out to his brother.
Take care AnnieNorCal


#7

I’m sorry about this. My son didn’t want to see me either but I went every day to give him something - an article of clothing and/or food. Sometimes he would say just leave it for me but I said you have to take it from me. So it became a hand off but I got to see him which was comforting and sometimes I stayed a bit and talked to others and got a lot of info from the nurses. You could try that. I hope they get him back on meds.


#8

You did the right thing and when he’s better, he’ll see that.

He’s not thinking right. Maybe he’s mad at you for calling, maybe he doesn’t want you to see him like that, maybe he’s embarrassed. He’ll come around.

And, in the rare case he doesn’t, you still did the right thing.

I know it’s different with a partner than a child, but I finally had to decide I’d rather have a healthy child that hated me than a sick/dead one that loved me.

Supporting someone with a severe mental illness takes more than a little strength, fortitude & toughness, as well as physical and emotional endurance when things go bad. Thinking about that has helped me hold it together in some pretty dark times. Don’t give up.


#9

i know exactly what you mean. i am 17 and i had to call the police on my mother, last fourth of july she was screaming at the walls like usual but she then tried to commit suicide and i had to stop her and call. it was honestly the hardest thing i had to do but i knew it was best. i was also the only one home so i had no choice but i know i made the right choice cause from that call she got the right help she needed even though she gets off her medications alot it was the right decision. my mother was so angry at me for calling the police she started walking down the street to get away, then later at the hospital put me on a list where i couldnt see her. he will resent you in the beginning but once he gets help he will understand i know all youre feeling is hurt and sorry but he will forgive you its really hard through the process and you probably wont ever get completely over it thats why you have to find good coping skills.


#10

Thank you all so much. Your help is so greatly appreciated. I stopped by his apartment because he left the window open and it was raining plus when he sold his truck he might have sold it with the garage door opener in it. He changed the locks numerous times and the office doesn’t have a key. Neither do i. So I stopped by
and just did a quick check this afternoon and I thought I saw something move. It was him. The hospital released him and he took a taxi home. He didn’t tell anyone. I called brother who was going to try to visit before visiting hours ended. Good thing…he was just getting ready to go.
So 72 this time and 36 hours last year. A mental hygiene arrest and nothing came of all of this.
They tried and he refused so back to square 1 plus now hes very upset with me


#11

Boundaries. You have to have boundaries. I expect a lot of people will think I am heartless, but I have had a number of professionals who deal with mental illness tell me over and over again that I have to be willing to say “no, you can’t come home”. I have also heard and read about others who have taken this approach and eventually their loved one reached a point of realizing he/she had to do something to get help, did it, and became much more functional and able to live a decent life. Sometimes, you can be supportive from afar, but still have those boundaries in place that will be in the person’s best interest in the long run, unless you are want to continue to re-live the cycle of nightmares. There are also stories that do not end up well, but we cannot fix everything, as heart-breaking as it is.


#12

You deserve a medal or being with a difficult, ill person. My daughter’s husband left her when she was diagnosed.


#13

You are right. I am afraid to upset my daughter because she had many setbacks in her life and I usually give in to her requests, but my husband does not and we argue a lot.


#14

@rspan I hope you are seeking and getting good help from the mental health community. You sound vey knowledgeable, especially to have learned so much, in an unfortunate circumstance, so early in life. I know a few other young persons who grew up with or are heavily involved with care for a parent or sibling. I applaud you for your efforts to care for your mom in ways that are incredibly hard. What persons, professionals or organizations have you found to be helpful? Take care of yourself, too! Don’t hesitate to get counseling for yourself if that is an option.


#15

i went to a therapist for a couple weeks but didnt find it helpful i think because they didnt know what that was like so it was hard for me to take advice from someone who hadnt gone through it before so i stopped going, then my dad and i went to a support group associated with NAMI which was helpful but i felt awkward being the only teenager so i dont go as much. but im thinking about starting therapy again because i struggle with the whole situation more now than i did when it was happening im not sure why


#16

@rspan I am glad you are seeking help. You are not alone in this journey and you mentioned your dad, so please know that this is not all your responsibility to care for your mom. I think the best thing you can do is to try to continue to learn and understand more about the illness, know how to handle emergencies (who to call, etc.) as you have already done!, and take care of yourself. It is just a fact that there will be very few teenagers, if any, at a given NAMI support group. But don’t let that keep you from asking questions. If you are not comfortable in front of the group, you could write down questions or concerns ahead of time and give them to one of the leaders, or you could approach the leader during break time. One question to ask the support group leaders or other adults is if they know of any therapist who is understanding of families dealing with mental illness. Try to keep the lines of communication open with your dad and any other adult family member that is involved. But even if you go back to the same therapist, or one who does not understand mental illness, a good therapist should still be able to help you work through this traumatic situation in your life. Be patient with yourself and make sure you are taking time to do other healthy things that you enjoy and focus on school. In a few years you will also be an adult but you will have a lot more knowledge about this than other adults! Please know that you are cared about.


#17

You absolutely did the right thing. He is where he can get help. I know the rejection hurts, but he will come around. Our loved ones afflicted with this dreadful disease frequently turn on or reject the ones who are the closest to them and show them unconditional love. Hang in there. There is a light at the end of the tunnel!!