Hope - Oh my! Your husband could be my husband. How odd that it seems that our family dynamics are so similar. My husband is the same way…can’t be inconvenienced in any way. Doesn’t want to have to do anything for either of our kids and that is the way it’s been since they were born. I sometimes tell my kids “you do have another parent, you know?” Their response always is, “You know Dad won’t (fill in the blank).” Yes, boy do I. Might as well have been a single parent. Perhaps it was the generation we were born into? I work with men who are in their 30s and they help out a lot more with household chores and the children. I should have been born 20 years later. LOL.
My husband can do projects he wants to do with patience and fortitude and do an outstanding job, but if it’s something he is forced to do for the kids or sometimes even me, then he turns into the vision of frustration. He also has poor listening skills so I get to repeat myself over and over.
I try to explain the triggers with our son’s illness but he is so “self” focused, I don’t think it is worth my time to continue down this path. Although the other night during a rough spot, he witnessed for himself, me ask our son if he just needed a hug and our son responded with yes I do! So I gave him a long hug (in spite of the fact he hadn’t showered in who knows how long and was wearing clothes that had been on for days). That inspired my husband to ask if he could give him a hug too. Father and son hugged and our son dissolved into tears. I think he needs that from his dad and my husband, being so self centered, never thought to do that. I guess I have to give him instructions?!
LIsaS -YES- SELF FOCUSED, its the crux of the issues with my husband. When our first son was born and I needed to get my haircut, he freaked out that I expected him to watch our 4 week old son all by himself. I reminded him I did it all the time, he said he didn’t know how. I asked him if he thought there was an instruction manual I was hiding from him?
As the kids grew it stayed the same, he’d do stuff with the kids, but how fun is stuff when one of the “adults” can’t just relax and have fun?
Maybe twenty years later would have helped. He changed diapers, helped, but didn’t take parenting as a prime role in his life.
I was shocked when he began mourning the lack of grandchildren in his life - SERIOUSLY? Totally blew me away.
I did say that. The delusional stuff went away & he’s getting better around our son. I think the better around our son is a few things. Our son got worse this year, so you’d have to be a moron to not admit he was really, really ill. I went through menopause, so my hormones aren’t up & down anymore which really stabilize my emotions, so I don’t tolerate any craziness about our son now. If it starts, either he can leave or we will leave - but I don’t let it go on, and I’m very blunt about how he can’t be there if he’s making things worse. And, the fact that they’re only together one or two days a week gives them both some space & cooling off time.
He is still just about as bad with other things, like handling things when something’s gone wrong. He still complains a lot when he’s doing things he doesn’t want to do, and he gets just as aggravated with other drivers.
But, he’s getting better as he gets older. Maybe part of it is he’s starting to feel old & tired like the rest of us.
I wonder if we went back in time, with me knowing what I know now, if things would have been different - if I had reacted differently to his paranoia/etc from the start.
Hope - The first paragraph just made me laugh out loud. Thanks, I really needed that today! I tell my kids that all the time when they think I’m not doing such a great job as a mom. I remind them that they didn’t come with instruction manuals and that being a parent is the absolute hardest job I’ve ever done without any pay, bonuses, vacation or sick time!
I think it is a mental issue for my husband. Reading up on cognitive behavior therapy and learning that some of the thought process is “jumping to conclusions” I think that’s how my husband’s head works when he drives. He doesn’t just see a car and think “oh that car wants over”. I believe he thinks “that driver is trying to pull in front of me on purpose”.
Good self analysis there. It’s good to be strong but it’s good to have trusted confident who just listen. Because there are no easy answers and sometimes we need a pleasant place to go to to just be normal. I recently have volunteered to help 2 different friends also facing difficult circumstances.
It reminds me that many people carry heavy burdens and they trust me enough to allow me to help out in small ways.
We are all part of the family of God and I think the spiritual support is key to peace of mind.
God bless your life and May there be angels who come to assist you.
He turned 30 on November 1st. At the end of July, he had a relapse, a second episode, and I had to have him committed for two weeks. I’m not over it yet. I had to protect him, though. He’s different than he was. I can see it. Poor guy. He’s such a good person. I’m not sure he trusts me like he did. Heartbreaking and unfair! Why do our loved ones have to suffer? Why do we?
This is an old, but very relevant to me, topic. I felt the need to revive it as so many posts describe exactly what has been going on with me lately.
Sigh, I have been thinking the same thing, only I would want three separate places to give us each room from the other: one for my daughter with sz/sza, one for my alcoholic husband (binge drinker and alcohol dementia) and one for me. I am suffering too much because of no place of my own to sleep and have peace without being disturbed by the others. A piece of property with three separate living spaces on it would be helpful if only to keep out the nighttime sounds of others wandering in the house, since I am a very light sleeper.
My daughter is today on meds, she is good on meds, but in 2.5 years that has only been 2.5 months. I’m hoping she stays on this time. My husband is trying to control his drinking, but I am physically sinking: tired, insomniac, digestion issues, eyesight issues, headaches, depression, dizzy spells, thrush, thyroid issues… It wasn’t till I read this post I realize how much I have declined.
I guess it is time to figure out some peace and space for myself.
Here’s wishing that most of you in this thread have found some peace for yourselves in the last year.
Yes unfortunately this thread is relevant today because I never learn to keep away and out of everyone’s business trying to “fix” our family members who refuse help. I feel I am getting stress now from every direction and there are negative developments! I’m here with my afflicted sister who refuses medicine and help and keeps slamming doors and aggressively locking them. I can’t sleep properly because of the noise and other uncomfortable circumstances that been going on for over a month and a half. After my long visit is done, I do have to visit another family member who is unfortunately alcoholic with many health issues (to get important papers if I could!!!) … Now, being away from my husband, he felt inspired and “with my blessing” to get his brother to visit him and stay at our house while I am gone (his brother happens to be afflicted with severe delusions and has not been ok for years!). After his brother arrived, my husband now wants him to live with us and he wants to be his caregiver. I sincerely feel there is no where for me to go for me to have a break. Sounds selfish of me but I’m too stressed right now.
They say that our family members need to have as little stress as possible and its nearly impossible to give them stress free situations.
We caregivers need mental and physical breaks as much as they need low stress. Somehow we have to make sure its not nearly impossible for us to get our breaks.
I am so sorry Love_Hope, you have a lot on your plate right now.
Yes, we deserve some stress free times too. But it is soooo hard to figure out how. @Love_Hope you are a very strong woman to be able to handle what you are going through. I know you were hoping your sister would come home with you, but now there is your husband’s brother in your home too. Oh my.
Yes, @hope somehow we have to make sure it’s not impossible for us to get our breaks. I have to tip the balance of giving to giving peace to myself too. Mostly, I need good uninterrupted sleep… why is that so hard?
I think of stress as a silent killer. I’m a stepmom of an adult stepchild whom I cant handle anymore. I feel guilty knowing he is mentally I’ll, but finally let go. I admire all of you who hang in there it’s a long hard road best to all of you. I’m sorry I couldn’t help anymore.
My husband’s afflicted undiagnosed adult brother with paranoia and delusions has been staying with us almost every year for up to 6 months each time and the rest of the year my husband rents places for him and spends on him but his brother wants to live with us and hates me for wanting my space. His brother said to him that I shouldn’t come between brothers… I believe his illness makes his actions disrespectful and childish like how my sister’s been acting lately unfortunately. I can tolerate it from my sister but not from his brother which I know is unfair but it’s been a cycle we’ve been on for the length of our marriage… @Hereandhere thank you for your wishes, I wish peace to everyone too. Regarding his brother staying somewhere else, the times my husband rents a place for him so I have a little space for me, his brother leaves and sleeps in parks and sends pic of himself looking horrible to my husband. Are they capable of emotional blackmail when they don’t get what they want?.. it’s tough from many sides of both families, @oldladyblue I don’t feel strong and the emotional weight makes me feel nauseated and other stress physical symptoms unfortunately but when I remember their illness and limitations, I feel it’s incomparable…
