I’m in a similiar position- although without the added benefit of a communicative mother as she suffers from untreated schizophrenia and feeds the belief to her son they are special and been given a gift. I don’t think you are desperate bitch holding on- I think you are being compassionate and caring towards someone you love and offering solace when there is none to be found elsewhere. When my partner (he calls me his wife, though we are not married) is having a psychotic break, I always leave the doors open for him to find respite- despite any nasty things he has come up prior to storming out. His longest break from me was around seven months and then randomly walked in as though he had only been gone for a few days. That day, I sent him out because I was unaware of the degree of his illness. Hours later he self-committed himself to a physchiatric hospital. He left AMA, but with meds and diagnosis in hand. I was the first he reached out to, and felt it would be unjust if I did not support someone seeking help. It’s been a hellacious few months because he stopped taking meds and has refused his follow up appointment and any other attempts at reconnecting with a doctor to refill meds. I’ve refused to give up hope on him because I see the man trapped within. Today we have court thanks to a DV charge when he decided to break a door in my home. I have almost been guaranteed by the witness advocate that the judge is going to sentence him to required treatment. While we are going to court together- I’m not sure after my testimony he is going to be so eager to come home with me. Regardless, I know I am attempting to save his life, bring him some semblance of peace, and am willing to have him cut me out again. I am the one who has to hope for him, because there is no one else. I am willing to take the emotional difficulties because I am able to rebound and regain my sanity. He isn’t that lucky. I’ve been told by everyone that I need to walk out, give up, he’s never going to help himself…(of course he isn’t! He doesn’t believe he’s sick!)
What advice I can offer you is this: if you haven’t already, learn the art of detachment. You can still love them, help when you are able, but when these episodes happen, you don’t have to be wrapped up emotionally. It used to give me the most awful panic attacks and I would be in tears of absolute agony daily. I went on meds to cope. The more I educate myself, the more comfortable I feel about expectations and the more validation I find about my own emotional struggles.
We’ve lost a pregnancy at 8 weeks, we’ve struggled through that almost killing me because of hemorrhaging and days of being hospitalized, we’ve gone through awful breakups because of false memories and empty accusations of infidelity… but he’s always come back, and I’ve always been there to help guide him through the worst of it while sacrificing my sanity. But maybe, that’s just what you do when you love someone? Or maybe, we just see another human who needs help with compassion and are able to provide that with the hope that this time, this time, we will be able to get through to them during some small sliver of clarity that presents itself.
In either case, I see desperation, but desperation in truly wanting to provide the loving relationship everyone deserves to someone that may need it the most. With that, comes more challenges and new definitions of how the relationship will function. I can say it’s hard, it’s difficult when you become the enemy, and scary as hell to think they could walk out that door and never look back. It used to be weeks, then days, then two days, then one, and now, he’s gone for maybe an hour before he turns back around. The detachment helps avoid conflict or escalating the situation and seems to have resulted in less walk outs. I wish you peace with all of this, however, and know you aren’t alone and I think I get where you’re coming from.