I despise the word hate, it carries so much ugliness, however, This is the only way to describe what’s going on with me and my husband. The night of 26, October, the night went normally, we watched the World Series game, The Dodgers won, which made us very happy because we are a huge Dodgers fans, I had a stomach ache so I went to lay down and he stayed outside to watch the highlights, I heard him speaking to his mom, and I noticed that he was staying up later than usual, which should’ve been a red flag because he also wasn’t sleeping as much as he used to, around 4 AM comes into the room, and he says “when he started bouncing” and I already knew what he was talking about, you see we didn’t have social media because both of us are extremely jealous, and even if we weren’t doing anything bad, we would always be wondering what the other one was doing, we also didn’t have anything to worry about because we were together 24 seven and were extremely in love, well, in my mind it was just a comment, there was a girl who made shirts on a social media site, And she said “xxx player knows what he’s doing” To which I replied “when he started bouncing😳” The context of that is, it was a video of the champagne showers they have and the player in question started bouncing up and down with no shirt on to me, big deal. I know I hurt him because he told me previously that he. was uncomfortable with me, making comments on men to which I replied I would not be doing that because we just wanted to see the highlights from the game and he was fine with that, in his eyes, I am cheating on him, in my eyes I am 41 years old, I don’t think I did anything bad, definitely nothing explicit, but I do know that I hurt him because he asked me not to do that so yes, I have fault in this and I am not afraid to say that, however, the next morning he wakes up, And he immediately jumps out of bed and says I’m leaving. I said you’re leaving??? He said yes, I had a dream. My mom is going to die. My dad is going to die and my dog is dying. He said he had to go be with his family, A little bit of backstory, he was hospitalized in November last year almost like clockwork, this is coming back, after that hospitalization of three weeks, the plan was to get him on ECT treatments, at first we Apprehensive as we only know ECT from the movies, after a lot of research, we decided to go through with it, and the shock therapy was life-changing. He immediately began even out and was doing great, he got a job, he was being productive, and just all around happier, no ticks, no delusions, life was great, I had an insurance change through work, and by this time he had gone through weekly ECT treatments and was on maintenance once a month by the time the insurance was verified by the hospital. It had been seven months without maintenance. He wasn’t taking his pills the way he should and unfortunately, he thought he was cured, I would gently tell him that he wasn’t cured, but my poor husband just wanted to be cured. The seventh month was October. My daughter noticed that when I would fall asleep, he would get back up and be on his phone watching videos, when he was hospitalized, the first time last year before November, after his brother passed away, he used to fall asleep with me and then get up an hour or two later and be outside playing the drums all night so that was coming back. My sister noticed that he was starting to be a bit more manic. She had just been there to visit us the Thursday before he left and he was very excited overly excited almost and she didn’t say anything, but she also said it was like the first time he was here his brother passed away my son who is 20 years old also said that when he was here one day, he noticed that he was a little more jumpy than usual, and my nephew also said that when he would see him in the mornings, his speech pattern started to change less friendly and a little more stern, I have pictures of seven months ago when he was getting the ECT treatment and a picture from October 23 which is his birthday and it’s like night and day. He was so clean cut just genuinely happy seven months ago, and the picture I took on his birthday after comparing it was so alarming. He look like Charles Manson almost here was disheveled. He was smiling, really big, but his eyes gave off a really concerning look the day he left I asked his sister what was going on because I was blindsided by this. It was literally the same day. They bought him a ticket to go home. She said that they asked him if he was just having a bad day and he wouldn’t change his mind later and he said he was sure, so it was his decision. Between October 27 and today, he’s got no contact with me, block me from everything, I did see before he blocked me on social media that he commented on a woman’s body, that’s just not him, he’s so overly rude and hurtful to me, at least when he was talking to me, he was, and that’s exactly how he was with me the first time after his brother passed away, he said some really horrible things to me that time, and nobody can get a word in because he just wouldn’t let anybody else speak as nobody was right only him. He has been diagnosed with bipolar and schizophrenia and while he was here with me, he was doing so great and thriving, now he wants nothing to do with me and it’s the worst pain that I’ve ever been in and he’s my husband, I made a vow in sickness and health, and I’ve held up my end of the bargain even now, I know it’s only been two going on three weeks, but I am so devastated and I don’t know how I’m gonna make it, he left me with nothing no money rent was due bills, etc., even though I’m the only one working and was doing it either way, at least I had him by my side and now I have nothing. People are saying just give it time give it time stop invading his personal space he needs to be left alone right now he’s never blocked or deleted me from anything especially his phone and now I am absolutely nothing to him. I don’t know how I’m going to keep going when I am so devastated and sad, I didn’t know about his diagnosis until after we were married because he had been doing so well, I know his brother passing away, played a huge role in it coming back, and the initial outburst that he had in June of last year, and it never really got fixed which led to his outburst in November, that time he was more scared than mean or verbally abusive, drives me insane because none of his family will talk to me, I thought I had an ally and his brother and he ignored my message to please talk. I don’t wanna start trouble with them. I just want them to know that he is going through something and I don’t think that they’re able to see that right now they’re just happy they have their son back, but also, what kind of people just let their son walk out on his wife step child whom he wanted to adopt and responsibilities I just don’t understand. He loved me the night before, and he would not have been as angry about the comment under good circumstances, it’s just not that deep, but I feel the comment made him more upset and I don’t know what to do. Do I wait for him? do I file for divorce? I don’t want to do that. I love him and I promised that I would help him. I told him that I would never leave his side. Does that even matter anymore I don’t know does anything matter anymore. I don’t know one day to the next is so traumatic so hurtful and being on this forum for the day that I’ve been on it, I noticed that it happens to so many of us and I just wish I had answers. Thank you for listening
Yep, it is sort of similar to my story. My suspicion would be that he was already unwell and something was going to set this off sooner or later. I am wondering with what you have said about him commenting on other women, if he has gone into a hypersexual phase where he is expressing inappropriate sentiments about other women whilst becoming detached from you.
I think as adults we expect to be able to say or do certain things within the comfort of our relationships, and have confidence that our partners will not take offence. Unfortunately with schizophrenia type conditions you often can not depend on your partner to have consistent boundaries. Another day it might not have bothered him. On that the blue touch paper was lit. If it had not been that, it would have probably been leaving the milk out, or saying something to a friend, or something would have set him off. And whilst they are expecting you to stay within very tight margins, you are expected to tolerate a wide range of behaviour.
I think something you do need to think about is that your first loyalty has to be to your children. Your partner is going to have to take care of themselves for now. It is an advantage that he is with his family. You know where he is, and if he is unwell, it does not matter how much they want to bury their head in the sand, eventually something is going to happen that is going to cause an intervention. I am guessing you are in the US, and depending on what state you are in there are different laws for intervention.
One thing I would say though, if you do have reason to believe that he is putting himself or others in danger, and by that I mean you have a solid indication that he is severely unwell to the point it would be immediately obvious to a police officer, you do have the option to contact the local police and get them to visit him. I say that with great reservations though. Unfortunately, him just leaving is not likely to be deemed grounds for an intervention. What I would say is get ready to spring into action if need be. So check the admission laws of whatever state he is currently residing in, and get the phone number of the nearest police station. If you can get his last admission notes from the hospital, please obtain them. Note if you believe he carries a firearm. If you have a concern of it escalating, and you can see from any social media you are not blocked on that he is acting strangely, you could consider calling the police and alerting them that your husband is diagnosed with a serious condition, that he is not taking his medication properly and has been unable to receive his ECT treatment, has left your home recently and dropped all of his responsibilities, that to the best of your knowledge he is in the care of his family, but that they may not understand the severity of the condition, and you have a concern about his and their safety. I would probably advise to wait for there to be some very clear indication of things going downhill in case they look at you as a rejected spouse. Without his family’s cooperation or communication it is going to make it difficult. It is unfortunate that they are not responding to you, but you have no idea what he is telling them about you, and if they do not understand the scope of the illness then it could be tricky.
If you do speak to the police at any point, let them know if he has ever been violent either before or during hospitalisation. It could be really important to tell them that as it sets an expectation. If he normally appears very calm and can suddenly explode into violence, let them know that too.
But getting back to looking after yourself and your kids, you might need to see what benefits you are entitled to in the case of being abandoned by your husband. I am not too sure how that works in the US. It is going to be very difficult, but I think you can do this. You have to focus on yourself and your kids. Your husband is his family’s problem at present. You are honouring your vows ‘in sickness and in health’. There is nothing more you can do for him at this moment.
Do you mind me asking how his brother died? Does he have another other siblings?
Thank you for your reply, he’s non violent, never has been. His parents have a tight grip on him and he usually listens to his mom. He told her I was cheating, she agreed that a comment is cheating. We live in Texas and his family is back in California, where he is now, I’m originally from CA as well, we did have a talk a few weeks ago in bed about how he was terrified to go back to the hospital here, it’s nothing like the hospitals in California. He’ll mostly start gaming or just be on his drums all day, something he lost interest in here. His last hospitalization in CA, he was found walking the streets of LA traffic, walking his dog and screaming for his brother. He passed on June 22, he took my husband to work, came home and a few hours later had a heart attack and died instantly. What set him off I think, is that nobody called him for about 4 hours, he called me at work and was really freaking out, nobody went to get him either he had to take an uber to his house, when he got there, there was crime scene, police etc and he was under high stress already, his brother opens the door for him and his other brother was just laying there, uncovered, 4 hours gone. It did something to him that day and all his progress was soon over. He wasn’t buried until mid/end of July and by August 1, he was nowhere to be found, his family was upset that we had been married and nobody told me, I got a letter days later from his brother who I thought, was an ally, and would hear me out this time. Funny thing about the benefits, I actually LOST benefits because he left. I make too much money without that extra person to care for. That’s America for you.
That is unfortunate. It sounds like his mother could possibily being a bit of an opportunist here. One of the many problems with these conditions is how easy to manipulate people can be. One of these reasons I am slightly more comfortable with my wife living with her mother is at least if her mother manipulates her, I know she is not going to be encouraging dangerous behaviours. She might trigger dangerous behaviours, but she won’t encourage them. Hopefully that will be a similar situation with your husband. If you’ve got money coming in as you are the breadwinner, keep it coming in if you can. If the ship is watertight, try and keep it floating.
I honestly think, if you have kids of your own, it is better he is away at present. You do not want him to be around them whilst he is unwell. It is not fair on them.
Regarding the hospital situation, this is speculation, but maybe he realised something was wrong, and he contrived the situation to go to California to avoid hospitalization in Texas? The schizophrenic mind works in weird way. It kids itself and does all kinds of things when in flight or fight mode.
So true, and one reason this disorder is so cruel for al involved. Early on, as I tried to understand SZ as it related to my loved one, I was tempted to think that all they really needed was a calm, non-threatening environment, more “good” socialization, and unconditional love and acceptance. This is essentially the basis of LEAP, and it’s a good place to begin, but it’s rarely enough. And the fact that caregivers often have to live lives of real martyrdom is asking a lot of them, if not too much.
Hi Lovemyhusband. I’m so sorry that you are going through this. Having a love one with a serious mental illness has to be one of the most challenging things someone has to deal with. You are not alone. There are many of us trying to navigate these challenges and we’re here to support each other. Please take time to take care of yourself and daughter. Some things are just out of our control and we have to ask for wisdom and guidance to understand what we can control vs what we can’t. Take one day at a time and keep your expectations realistic. You can get through this.
Thank you for that, keep your expectations realistic, this is the realest and hardest thing I’ve had to learn yet. He’s completely blocked me now so I’ve not heard from him in about 3 weeks, such is life I guess.