Hi. I’ve been trolling these forums for a while. Now the worst has happened, & so I post. Looking for…? I don’t even know what. My dearest earthly friend, who has struggled with this illness for the past ten years, killed himself a week ago today.
It seems the world should have stopped. I can’t believe everyone just goes on living, working, eating. I can’t believe I’ll never – ever – ever – see / touch / smell / talk / hug / hold him again. I can’t believe I’ll ever stop crying.
This is horrible. I’m so angry at this Thing, this sickness, this vileness. I’ve never been angry at anything in my life like I’m angry now.
And I’m scared by how much this hurts. How much it’s going to hurt – how long. I can’t imagine it – the rest of my life – without him. I’ve never loved anyone like I loved him, and I dealt with losing him to this Thing – Schizophrenia – losing him by degrees for going on two years now.
But this is beyond me.