Hi. I’ve been trolling these forums for a while. Now the worst has happened, & so I post. Looking for…? I don’t even know what. My dearest earthly friend, who has struggled with this illness for the past ten years, killed himself a week ago today.
It seems the world should have stopped. I can’t believe everyone just goes on living, working, eating. I can’t believe I’ll never – ever – ever – see / touch / smell / talk / hug / hold him again. I can’t believe I’ll ever stop crying.
This is horrible. I’m so angry at this Thing, this sickness, this vileness. I’ve never been angry at anything in my life like I’m angry now.
And I’m scared by how much this hurts. How much it’s going to hurt – how long. I can’t imagine it – the rest of my life – without him. I’ve never loved anyone like I loved him, and I dealt with losing him to this Thing – Schizophrenia – losing him by degrees for going on two years now.
My condolences. I’ve lost a few friends to this disease that way too. I always think,“If they had only come to me before doing it maybe I could have set them straight and saved their lives”. I’m sure it’s tougher if you loved the person. Do you have anybody you can turn to to help you deal with this? Besides us?
I was suicidal in my twenties. Fortunately, I got through it, and life has been relatively sweet for many years now.
My friend Judy was in an out of the famous Boston mental hospital the same few years that James Taylor was also in and out of the that hospital; here he is singing about a loss like your own. I find the song comforting.
I’m sorry for your pain and loss as well. Suicide is a hard hit. Your not in the boat alone as far as the pain, the confusion, the hurt, the sorrow… the anger.
It’s going to take some time to heal. Give yourself that time and be patient with yourself.
I too have lost some friends and others to this illness, I myself almost left this life due to my SZ. Suicide is a hard thing to deal with.
Awe…I can definitely feel that, and know it…my wife did same a year ago tomorrow…
and it was related to mental illness, though in our case the doctors messed up heavily. Doesn’t matter the ways of how it happened, it just happened and that is something that will be with us, with all the thoughts and feelings you mention…Healing does take place but also takes time.
I let it overwhelm me at times…to the point I found myself in bad places in my mind…ended up hospitalized last summer and I hadn’t been in a hospital in 30 years!
Cry and feel the pain is natural…just try not to let it overwhelm you to the point of it affecting your own mental stability.
I know it hurts- its one of the most tragic ways to die. Statistics unfortunately have been stable for decades, with 15% of us committing suicide within 30 years of being diagnosed. It’s the dark side of the reality of this illness- it is fatal in some cases. I am sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to be angry at this condition, I have it and am as recovered as possible on meds but it’s not perfect, I have good days and bad days. I am an angry person- I am “incredibly highly functioning” according to my doctors, I have a full scholarship to college and make straight A’s and am also a competitive powerlifter.
I hate schizophrenia too. Every day I fight sedation to go to class with coffee and cigarettes, every time I take preworkout supplements in the afternoon and train when my meds are at their lowest levels, I actively hate schizophrenia.
It’s my motivation for what I do. I sometimes feel like without schizophrenia and the meds and side effects, I wouldnt have motivation like I have now. I have a running joke that my philosophy is “skullfuck schizophrenia” and I fucking mean it. I will always hate this condition and fight it, denying my morbid prognosis and achieving more than most normal people.
I attempted suicide when I was 19 and failed. I engaged in self harm too.
Some people like me just live off of the hatred of schizophrenia. It’s how I function. It’s sad, it’s like I am a good person, I want to be a psychologist and save lives that way, but I am an angry person. Like an angel with black wings, just a metaphor, Im an atheist. Pretty narcissistic of me too. I used to actually believe that I was half demon half angel. I was an atheist but for some reason I thought it was true in a metaphorical sense, with the disease running on my dad’s side and my mother being an ex-nun who went to Notre Dame.
In my case it wasn’t really the illness, it’s how it was handled, or rather NOT handled.
First, my wife and I talked a lot and I asked if she ever told her therapist about her visions and beliefs. (Which would have been called hallucinations and delusions). She said NO, it was none of their business, and she was well aware she would most likely get an SZ diagnoses had she told.
I am aware a lot of it was spiritual, but spirits can also deceive and while i believe the things she saw were real, some of the “instructions” she received were leading her on a delusional path.
But it was the doctors who mismanaged her meds, who did not take any action when she started cutting, and they saw the cuts. Did not put 2 + 2 together that in the early stages of starting Abilify you can have suicidal thoughts and self harm…kept her on Abilify…then got really upset with her when another doctor took her off all meds, wouldn’t let her see her kids when she was supposed to see them. wanted her to go in a hospital that cost almost $3000 and Medicaid wouldnt cover, but wouldn’t recommend a hospital Medicaid would cover, then got mad at her for never going to the hospital, and cut their sessions down to once a month!!
Had things been handled properly by the so called professionals, I highly doubt it would have happened. So in my case it was most likely preventable.
I’m sorry for your loss. I was suicidal too in the beginning of my illness. Depression is a constant companion to sz and I have to catch it before diving too deep again.
Take care of your self. Remember to talk about your friend. You need to talk a lot and remember the nice moments. Let your self to be sad and angry. Let it all out.
That’s good advice. Talking about it helps, a lot. And someone told me last year it was ok to be angry about it too…as long as you don’t take that anger out on others…
I am so sorry.it is painful to you. My husband committed suicide 13 years ago. I was in shock and did not grieve properly get it out. Of course you are angry. I hate the disease also
This is a fear Ive always had about my son. I am very sorry to hear this. Its tough now, but take care of your self, try to get into a support group. I wish you all the best XX
I differ in that I see schizophrenia as a split between for better or for worse. many with this illness are brilliant and many are lost. It’s not fair that we are given the impression it will affect us severely for the rest of our lives once we finally seek treatment. Treatment should be positive but yes I hate schizophrenia because it ruined my sense of stability and took my mother’s mind and hopes.
Deeply sad to read your post Loss and grief may be our hardest lesson life has to offer I have dealt with this myself >Stay posting daily if need be …Your cyber friends are here
I know this will probably not come out right. Please forgive any misunderstandings and accept my condolences. I ask that this be deleted the instant it is read if it doesn’t help like I mean it to.
I remember being suicidally depressed for the first eighteen years of my life. I tried everything to make it stop, but I was too scared of death to make it end myself. I didn’t want to be dead, but I wanted it to end.
I prayed so much and for so long. I finally stopped praying to get better and just prayed for God to kill me so that my family wouldn’t have to suffer from my stupid mistakes (I was always disorganized, couldn’t find my shoes in the morning, almost always made us late to school).
Having gone through all of that and gotten better, I look at suicide differently. I agree that it is horrible and should be prevented and it is the end, but in a different way.
I is the end of suffering. There may not be an afterlife, in which case those who have gone before aren’t worried. They are not looking back and suffering because they now see the suffering that they caused you. They simply aren’t any more. I find that comforting and I hope that is the case. I don’t necessarily hope for it for everyone, but I hope for it for me. I am schizoaffective and I have ausburgers indicators. Ausburgers is on the autism scale. Ausburgers people mainly just have social problem. I don’t have it full on but it does in some ways define me. So does the schizophrenia and depression.
I have just lived with it so long that I am afraid of there being a heaven and having all of my illnesses gone. I wouldn’t be the same person. What would I be? Who will I be? I am not worried about who your friend will be. He is himself. Untroubled. He is back in himself.
I have met people for whom the drugs have done nothing. People for whom the depression never lifts. It’s just there. Always and forever. (This person had depression not schizophrenia). But when she dies. And I die, no matter what our souls do, we will go back into the world. Our bodies will be eaten by worms who will be eaten by birds and we will get to fly! Maybe not consciously, but we will be there.
I like birds. I keep cats, but I like birds too. There is something endless in their eyes. Like they aren’t quite there, they are somewhere else. Like their eyes are so full of things we can’t see that they can’t see us. Maybe they see an afterlife. Maybe they see a heaven. Or maybe they are just on the lookout for predators.
Your friend is at peace now. Whatever is waiting he has his peace. Only he didn’t consider your peace. That’s what needs to be dealt with.
Go talk to him. He isn’t there, but go to his grave. Go alone. Talk to him. Say everything you need to say and more. Let him know that you loved him and still love him. Let him know you miss him but will wait to see him. Tell him that you will live your life in a way that would make him smile.
Who knows?
Even the grass has ears.
Maybe the birds will bring the message to him.
Once more, my condolences.
