The more we blame the easier it is to not accept personal responsibility.
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You need to just let him go. One day, if youāre lucky, heāll come back hurt and you can put band aids and neosporin on his wounds and fix him up but you canāt do that until he comes to you of his own free will. Think of it like a teenage rebellion on steroids, protein shakes, and snake venom and I would advise you to treat it that way. Please note, Iām not a doctor.
Iām 27 and I just got out of college. I knew a girl there who did the same sort of mad rebellion late in life (not as late as your son but right when she got out of college). She started dating this one boy, I was somewhat friends with him, we hung out in the same group but he was in the music department (not classical. Rock). I donāt know how old he was thinking back on it but he had long scraggly hair, he was balding. Kinda fat. Any ways this girl was love struck with this guy. Her parents hated him, which I think was a big selling point because he seemed kinda seedy to me. She was pretty. Dark hair, very nice figure though she didnāt dress it, just t shirt and blue jeans. But either way, too pretty for him.
Her parents didnāt let her come to school the semester after she met him but they stayed together. From what I learned later her parents were very Christian and she was one of a number of children. She grew up taking care of her younger siblings because there were six of them or something. There were definitely a lot. She was going into elementary education and she genuinely seemed to like children.
Then one day, weāre all sitting around eating some valentines day chocolate I got from somewhere and she looks at me and says āIām pregnantā
I ask, āWere you on birth control?ā
āI didnāt like taking the pills. It felt like they were a punishment for having sex.ā
āDid you use a condom?ā
āDoesnāt that make sex not feel as good?ā
It was very lucky that I had enough control over speaking my mind that I didnāt compulsively ask are you fcking sitting me? I would definitely would have alienated her then.
They get married and she has the kid. I donāt know if her family would have been ok with an abortion but aside from a strict (and I mean STRICT) Christian up bringing the only thing she complained about her parents was that they were so controlling. She absolutely loathed them for that. From my understanding they did everything they could. They tried to keep her away from him, they gave her birth control pills, I honestly donāt know what else they could have done (bear in mind I never met these people, all I know about them is what little she said). The only thing I ever heard her say about them was how controlling they were. Not that they were bad people, mean, cruel, just controlling.
She was an innocent little bug but she was hell bent on making this decision. Just like your son. You can try to make him take pills, you can try to keep him by you, but it sounds like this kid is hell bent on what heās going to do and you just have to be there to pick up the pieces in the end if youāre still up for that.
I know you will. You wouldnāt be here if you werenāt.
Just treat it like a teenage rebellion. The closer you try to hold him, the further you try to keep him away from those stupid things, the more attractive they will appear to him. Donāt ask me why but thatās how it works. Iām not saying that heās going to be ok or that heās going to come back, but I do think that heās going to keep running if you keep chasing him. Youāre just going to drive him further away and break your heart even further. Take up something to kill the time you usually use to think about him. I donāt know if you work (my mom was a housewife and I guess she still is since Iām still at home), but maybe pick up a job and start saving. Save save save and then if he does come back youāll have a little nest for hospitalization bills, doctor bills, med bills, therapy, all of that. Build a little nest so that when someone comes to you and tells you how horrible he looks tell them (and yourself) the truth. Youāre building a snug little nest for him to come home to until his feathers grow out and he can fly off into the world properly.
Just remember if he does come back heāll only be in the nest for a little while and then hopefully heāll spread his wings and fly off properly instead of flopping around on the ground.
This is all just a laymanās idea, not a doctorās.
Are you a family member?
Thanks,
I am a family member, I do work a lot so I keep busy and that definitely helps. I have hope that my son will come around at some point. He has a whole family that really loves him.
Your right when I say the more I chase him the more he runs away. I just need to stop agonizing over this. The holidays are coming and that makes it harder. I just keep telling myself he is doing what he wants.
He has medicaid so he can check into the hospital anytime he wants to. He can also get housing vocational rehab and a slew of other help.( I spoke to his social worker).
I know the illness effects how he does thinks but he really needs to turn this abusive behavior around for me to be able to reengage with him.
Thanks for all of your kind words. It really helps. In my heart of hearts Iām not sure what will happen with my son. I just keep praying and hoping for the best.
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I know this is three years since the original post, but in searching delusions, came upon this thread and what you said about your son and the cops, is so interesting to me. My son started talking about how the cops in town know who he is and this was in 2011, I think, he was diagnosed in January 2013 paranoid schizophrenia. And to this day, he still has this cops delusion! And to Tea42, Iām sorry, I know Iām doing this wrong, I donāt know how to tag you so you see this but I hope you do LOL! But anyway my son has blamed me for him being born with liver cirrhosis! Because he believes I drank throughout my pregnancy with him! This is completely untrue! He still sometimes talks about his liver even though his blood is checked for things like that on a regular basis because of the antipsychotic medication ā¦ but none of it makes any difference. He believes what he believes. So weird and frustrating and the heartbreak never ends.
My worst nightmare came true when my son was diagnosed in 2013 at the age of 25 with paranoid schizophrenia because it runs in my family. I just never believed it would really happen to one of my kids, you know? Now my nightmare is that he could decide to quit the meds and go homeless and so sick, perhaps angry and aggressive. like what youāve been going through, and Iām sorry, I know itās been some time since this thread started i just want to give you my compassion and empathy 
This is such a devastating disease!
Iām so sad for you. Iām so sad for me. And for our sons and daughters. My son has not gotten to this yet, he has blamed me when he was sick but heās only said a few things over the five years but not really angry and he still seems to trust me and is sweet mostly and respectful but I do so fear he could turn on me like this and pray. It would kill me! Iām already practically ruined emotionally.