I’m away in college from my dad with paranoid SZ. I keep fixating on my next meeting with Dad. I have a full tuition scholarship at my private catholic college. Only one boy and one girl get picked to have this scholarship. I feel a lot of pressure to be here. I almost feel like I don’t deserve to be. Most of the kids that go here have parents that pay their full $56,000 tuition. Their parents worked hard to give them an education, and my parents could never do that. I’m now in my senior year.
Saturday I was invited to celebrate our scholarship at a fancy dinner with the President of my College and his wife, the boy that won, the Board of Trustees member that funded our scholarships and his wife, a longstanding priest in my school, and a director of funding for my school.
When I arrived to this extremely fancy place I was so overwhelmed and felt so underdressed. I don’t even have a winter coat. I was on the verge of tears I was so nervous. I felt like the very well dressed people were looking down on me. I did not feel like belonged there at all. When we all sat down I began to cry a bit. Everyone noticed, I blurted out that this was the fanciest place I have ever been to. I sat in front of the President of my College he whole five hours we were there. I was so nervous I couldn’t eat. And that made me afraid because I didn’t want them thinking I wasn’t grateful, so I forced myself to. I was shaking on the inside. I feel like I made a fool of my self through the whole dinner. When I left I was finally relieved and practically ran to my car.
I called my mom to tell them that night, but I don’t think they quite understood what I was talking about. My mom is illiterate and went to school up to the eighth grade. And my dad just had a stroke.
I’m so lost, and distracted right now. I’m in the middle of finals! I need to focus. It’s so hard bieng a first generation college student who has parents with mental illnesses. I feel so alone in my constant struggle to stay afloat/succeed in life. Thanks for listening.