Delusions about me

I think my boyfriend has something like schizophrenia. He has a lot of false ideas about me. Some of them are pretty normal (cheating on him with his family or my coworkers) and some of them are a lot wilder (working with the devil, feeding people cat food, convincing friends to murder their parents, poisoning him, controlling the ads and spam links sent to his phone or computer, being behind the graffiti in our urban area, and now he thinks I’m working with a group he won’t name to get something from him). I haven’t been a perfect partner, but I haven’t done anything like any of this. He isn’t violent, he mostly just brings these things up casually and acts sad that I’m so twisted. He “breaks up” with me every couple weeks lately over stuff like this, talking about how I’m a bad person and should kill myself etc. Eventually he comes back and things are pretty good for a while and he has hope that maybe those things weren’t real. This has been going on for a little over a year.
I know this must be scarier and sadder for him than it is for me. I have heard that you aren’t supposed to argue with people about their delusions. Does anyone have tips for how to support him and show him that I’m on his side?This would be so much easier if it wasn’t focused on me or if he would realize that these are delusions.

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Not to be a jerk, but are you really ready for a life time of this. Next time he breaks up don’t go back with him unless he gets some help. Don’t get caught up in all the drama unless you want to live like this forever with him. It’s like being in a relationship with an alcoholic or a drug attic. Is this want you want for your life. Put your foot down if you really care for him and tell him he needs to get help first.

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@Melody welcome to the forum. My sister’s name is Melody! Anyway, got to agree with @ttt1.

Your compassion is admirable. But if you were dating my super-awesome 21 YO son, who has been diagnosed with SZ, and he stopped taking meds and refused help and treated you like s**t, then I’d be helping you pack!

Please don’t subject yourself to someone who doesn’t recognize or accept a real problem, whether it be SZ, alcoholism, sex-addiction, lying, violence, etc.

You seem to have convinced yourself to ‘find a way to make this work’. But remember that he will NEVER change until he decides. Regardless of what you put up with through the lens of compassion.

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Read I’m not sick I don’t need help and learn about the LEAP method. What he is accusing you of is normal for someone with schizophrenia. My son thought I was poisoning him. That people were trying to catch him to use his organs. The FBI was after him etc. It’s a rough disease to live with and to live with a person who has it. If he can get on meds has a chance of not having delusions. Has he been diagnosed?

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I see what you’re saying. It’s hard because of all the normal reasons, I guess. I love him and want to support him well enough that we can be together forever. I’ve known him since we were teenagers and we’re almost 30 now. He isn’t like this. But you’re right that it won’t get better until he admits he has a problem and that his mental issues can’t all be explained as me gaslighting him. I guess I’ll just work for now at stockpiling resources for when he is ready.

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Thank you for the welcome!

That makes sense. I have the immediate urge to list all the reasons why he’s different and it’s worth it, but obviously a mental health issue doesnt have anything to do with how wonderful he is and how lucky I am to be in his life. It just means he needs to seek treatment so that we can work through it together.

And your point about what I put up with is a good one. I stay through a lot of scary stuff because I know those behaviors are just symptoms and not indicative of the guy I’ve known for 12 years, but that probably isn’t doing him a favor. He talks a lot about how I don’t need to stay, and on some level I think that’s because he knows he isn’t treating me well and wants me to stop him.

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That looks like a great suggestion, I’ll read it ASAP! What you’re saying about your son feels really familiar to me. Last night he started asking me about the codes (not sure what codes) and talking about how he has been reporting the fake profiles I make of us and the people in his life/neighborhood. When I looked around on facebook I couldnt find any duplicate profiles of either of us, but he has been sending me links to some blogs or fb pages of women with names kind of similar to mine. I’m not sure what he thinks I’m making them for, but last night he decided that I might be setting him up to take the fall for something using them. It’s just a lot.

He has not been diagnosed, that I know of. Sometimes he seems willing to go along with my suggestions that there might be something wrong, but mostly he says he only feels this way because I’m trying to drive him crazy. Last week I was able to make a little progress there. I had researched supplements that help with schizophrenia (not delusions, but smaller stuff) and he took a few. I had it set up so that I would shake the bottle and he would pull out 2 pills and decide which one I took and which one he took. That obviously wouldn’t work for actual psych meds, but my next idea is that maybe he’ll try CBT if I also do my own course of CBT. Were you able to get your son to seek diagnosis/treatment?

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Oh yes, I’ve been through the ringer with him. He is currently on a shot that he gets every three months. He has to do this or he will go to jail. He, like most, don’t think they are ill - it’s called anasognosia (lack of insight). Now he can work and function more or less.

Keep talking to him, try not to take what he is saying personally (hard to not). All of these things are very, very real for him. My son thought he saw books all around town with him on the cover (baseball shots). He played baseball for a long time. He showed me - they were not him.

Try to watch the LEAP videos. (google Dr. Amador LEAP). The last thing you want to do is alienate him from you. Believe what he tells you is very real for him. Keep educating yourself and read a lot of posts here. Take Nami Family to Family class and/or support group. They have support groups for your bf as well.

CBT would be great. It’s great that he is open to taking supplements.

Chinese herbs and sarcosine can also help. https://brainvitaminz.com/

Schizophrenia is (they believe) too much dopamine being produced so the shot my son gets reduces his dopamine.

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I’ve been right there with you. My bf has been accusing me of sleeping with coworkers, family members, my daughter’s girlfriend. It gets extremely hard sometimes. Right now he’s not speaking to me because of this very thing. What’s worse is he thinks that these people have the ability to become invisible and that I’m being intimate with them right in front of him. Add in everything else (He had to go to Florida for a family member’s funeral and when he got back he insisted that he wasn’t in Florida, his dad’s not really his dad, etc) and it’s the perfect storm of confusion and hurt. He’s amazing when he’s not experiencing all of this. I’m expecting a baby with him in a month and I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that I may be raising this little boy on my own. I want to explain to him so bad that I think he may have schizophrenia, but I don’t think he’d believe me if I said anything. I think he knows deep down that he has an issue though so I may be wrong. I pray for him constantly.

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I understand if this is too personal, but can I ask how you plan to handle things with the baby (congratulations, by the way!)? My boyfriend is phenomenal with kids and I’ve always wanted us to do that together, but now my biggest fear in the relationship is that if we do have children he will either refuse to believe that they’re his or he’ll decide I’m abusing them and run off with them.

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Thank you! I honestly don’t know. My plan is more or less just to take it day by day. He has a daughter from a previous relationship (as do I) and he loves her very much. He doesn’t see her that often but he talks to her frequently and you can see the love for her in his eyes when he brings her up. He is also awesome with my daughter (both girls are teens). He has had moments of saying that he doesn’t believe the baby is his, but for the most part he’s been as present as he chooses to be with appointments and stuff. One thing I’ve learned is not to push anything. I tell him about the appointments and tell him that if he wants to come then that would be awesome but it’s completely up to him. When he gets overwhelmed or feels stressed it tends to make the episodes more frequent.
If he chooses not to be involved then that’s a bridge that will be crossed at that time. No matter what, this baby will know about his daddy. I’ll just have to figure out a sensitive way to explain it when he’s older.

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I hope everything works out for the both of you. Does he have family that will support you in getting him help? Just wondering not being nosey, just the more support you have the tiny bit easier it will be on you.

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That makes a lot of sense, thank you for sharing! That’s great to hear that he’s good with the kids you already have.

He has family but I don’t know if they would help. I think he’s already turned them against me a little bit by pretending to be me making a false abuse accusation about him to his brother, in an attempt to get his brother to admit that we’re sleeping together (we aren’t, I’ve only met him twice and he’s married). But that’s a good thought, they might have also noticed that things aren’t right with him. I guess he just lost his second job of the year (which he thinks I caused), so maybe the strange behavior isn’t only happening around me. I’m reading up on the LEAP method, amd it seems like it would be really helpful to have a strong community practicing that around him.

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He absolutely needs professional help immediately. The sooner the better as it can get worse if not treated.

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Melody my heart goes out to you regarding your boyfriend. It is most important that you take care of yourself and not get lost in finding help for your boyfriend as much as you care about him. Do you feel safe? Are you really able to be who you are and not just be there for him? Are you becoming a better person in this relationship not just one that helps him get better? It seems your focus is a lot on him and not how you are taking care of yourself. You are a valuable worthy person and can function on your own as one. Please don’t make yourself dependent on him only. He needs to make his own choices and work through his own issues. Until he does it’s going to be a life long battle and if you have children it makes it more complicated and definitely not easier.

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Thank you for this response, Julie. I’ve been thinking about it a lot. This has become so normal for me that I had forgotten that I am supposed to be safe and happy. I’ve been isolating myself from my friends and family to avoid provoking more accusations. I just moved this week, and maybe it isn’t okay that I feel so much safer now. At my last place he had somehow gotten a hold of a copy of the housekey, and when we were fighting he broke in and pulled my glasses off my face and stomped on them and stole and smashed my phone. He gave that key back, but I never really believed he didn’t have another copy, and he maintains that that whole episode was just him returning my key and that I’m the one twisting the story. I haven’t been getting angry about this kind of behavior because it feels more like a symptom than a choice, but I need to acknowledge that it still impacts me. I’m very glad to have found this group so I can see what to expect and make informed decisions about what I can handle.

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Melody I listen to Leslie Vernick about difficult and destructive relationships.
Check her out:. Leslievernick.com
Be safe and take care of yourself.

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I say this as someone who grew up with a parent with untreated mental illness: don’t have kids with this person until 1) he understands he needs treatment, 2) he has been stable for a LONG time, 3) he understands that being compliant with treatment is a prerequisite for being a family, and 4) you have a plan, the resources and the inner strength in place to walk away if things get bad again after you have kids. Even then it’s a risk you would be exposing you kids to.

Kids don’t get to decide whether or not they want to tolerate abusive behavior - it’s forced upon them by the adults in their lives. They don’t understand it and they internalize it and it has lifelong affects. My siblings and I are all in our 30s and early 40s and we are still dealing with the fallout. It affects future relationships and the kind of behavior and treatment they will tolerate from their partners. Please don’t assume he’ll treat the kids differently than he treats you - the truth is you can’t know what will happen.

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