Seeing the hopelessness was part of the reason I stopped going to NAMI meetings. I started feeling guilty for my successes and often felt I couldn’t relate, since my experiences were quite different. I used to frequent the DX forum, but I don’t anymore for similar reasons. In her memoir Elyn Saks said she’d attend bipolar and depression groups instead because she felt she could better relate even though the illnesses aren’t the same.
I have a friend who’s worked in a mental hospital since before I recovered and I asked how she deals with it because she sees people at their worst. Since she collects teddy bears I’m going to frame her response as a metaphor. It’s like she’s in the business of fixing teddy bears. She sees how they are before and after they come in her shop, but rarely sees them elsewhere. They may come back broken again, but at least they had some time in the hands of others. And if they don’t come back, she hopes they are happier than they came in and bringing some kind of joy. And on rare occasions she sees them out in the world and doing well, and she feels it’s all worth it.
Welcome, Lys.
Read as much as you can on “early intervention websites” or “first episode psychosis” in the country you live in. In the mean time just enjoy your friendship. What’s the rush?
@Maggotbrane, thank you for your thoughts and insights! In Canada we have enjoyed seeing the talks by Bill McPhee
He also had a publishing business where he published the magazine “Schizophrenia Digest” which was most informative. Have been out of touch with this topic so not sure if it’s still available.
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@anon64643646 thank you. I’m aware of Bill McPhee and have seen some of his stuff. Because of my line of work it’s difficult for me to be fully ‘out’, since once you let that Genie out of the bottle you can’t get it back in.
I’m exploring starting a YouTube channel in an anonymous fashion, and may launch it in a few months, if I can get the logistics figured out. Without getting into details I have a different angle than him and other similar advocates and I’m interested in representing under-represented folks like caregivers, friends, family and professionals who because of privacy concerns and laws and stigma don’t get much of a voice.
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@Maggotbrane,
Yes, I imagine the risk is way too high with coming out. I’m sure everyone here will be looking forward to your channel when you get to it!
I felt compelled to write in the hopes of pointing you in another direction.
I have spent the last year trying to help a friend…doing so will eventually drain every bit of energy out of your soul and you will begin to wonder if you yourself are sane. Honestly, no matter how positive a spin you put on all this the odds are that it will end badly. Choose a good life and get out while you can.
Trying to help someone is a noble thing to do…but sometimes people cannot be helped and you need to protect yourself.
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I have been wanting to make a reply similar to this but have hesitated because my husband and I have been together for almost ten years now.
It is tough. You will have unexpected crises. Things will happen that you never thought possible. You are both so young and I’m sure he’s a great guy. But the moment will come where he has a crisis. Are you prepared for that? Truly prepared?
I went through the same feelings as you, but in my 40s. Yet I stick with my husband because he is a human being, a human being who wants to be loved and deserves to be loved. I loved the man he was when we met and so it is very difficult to stop loving him because he is under the control of delusions and can’t live in the state where I live now and chooses to be homeless and unmedicated. I wish the circumstances had been different.
My life has changed…forever. I will never be the same carefree, independent, confident person I once was. I will always be tied to this person who has strong delusions and will not accept help, who will not admit he is ill.
Protecting yourself IS the most important thing. It is hard to see when you are young, in love and infatuated with the guy, but please think about your future. If you are prepared to care for him for the rest of your life, then stay with him and realize it will be a bumpy ride, not always happy and potentially stressful. Read up on schizophrenia and talk with therapists or doctors to get an opinion. Best wishes to you and your guy.
To add to what I said earlier…no amount of personal research will prepare you for this. I have spent many hours reading about this illness over the last year and have come to the conclusion that I still know nothing. It is futile to try and truly understand the illness and prepare yourself to cope with it.
It had a negative affect on every aspect of my life and with any other relationship I had friends, family and parents. There is nothing that can prepare you for when the illness gets worse…and then you feel trapped.
I will say this that since late last year I got into a real relationship with a great person who is very normal and emotionally mature. The difference is truly amazing…it is like night and day…comparing the two you realize how little the ill person offers and how much they demand of you. It feels so good when the other person is able to offer real relationship qualities and nothing is demanded of you.
I agree with the caution in a romantic or even platonic “relationship” but disagree in regard to whether or not there is hope for help and a better future. For a family member, there is MUCH that can be done. Learn as much as you can. A book I just starting reading but should have read a long time ago is “Surviving Schizophrenia: A Family Manual” by E. Fuller Torrey, M.D. I continue to learn helpful information from this and other sources.