My son has been talking a lot here lately about my death and that I need to set up a trust fund for him. Then tonight I asked him would he please stop talking about me dying bc I’m only 50 and I’m not dying anytime soon, to which he responded "well you’re not going fast enough "!! I’m not sure how to take that!?!
My son asks me questions like that a lot because he worries about what will happen to him when I’m gone.
Just the other day he was asking me when I was going to retire, if I had retirement savings. In the past, he’s asked me if any of the life insurance is set aside for him because his dad has said several times within his hearing that he wouldn’t be able to take care of him like I do.
Hopefully, the last part of what he said was a joke. I remind my son that both of us will hopefully live a very long time too.
I wouldn’t take any of that by itself as a threat, but what kind of trust fund does he think you can set up for him in your current situation?
Did you hear anything about your disability? If you got it, you guys could at least live separately again if things get bad.
I wouldn’t take it as a threat, my son has asked the same questions off an on…I think sometimes it is a concern for the future. With sz…statements can often come out wrong…you have to take that into consideration.
Haven’t heard anything yet about my disability but hopefully by the end of the mont!!
I try to keep that in mind but when he said I wasn’t dying fast enough my heart both broke and was scared. They are so unpredictable!
Let’s consider you have a son/daughter with sz who is receiving money from government (benefits/aid) for housing and to be able to buy food etc. If you leave them part of your estate, they could lose all or part of their aid.
To avoid this, in your will you say that you want the money to be left in a trust fund and invested. The fund is typically administered by lawyers and a family member. The person with sz asks the family member for money from the fund as and when they need it, for example to buy a new TV, or attend a training course, and the lawyers and family member decide if a payment should be made, and for how much.
Thanks for the advice - I’ve heard that before, so I need to look into the details.
I’m terrible though - I don’t have a will or anything.
I speak from a place of experience and love. Our son has threatened us many times over the years and we put up with it. Then it escalated last year and he held a knife to my husband’s throat. I hope you don’t go this route because it may not end as horribly but relatively as well as it did for us. We had him arrested and didn’t bail him out or get him a lawyer. He’s home on probation now but he went through a great deal of trauma and now has felonies on his record. It was absolutely the worse period of our lives. Think of it this way - by kicking him out when he threatens you you’re protecting him from jail. That’s true and it’s not a good situation for someone mentally ill. Horrible to be honest.
For me, and it’s such a personal thing, here’s what I wished we had done a few years earlier. We should have set boundaries when he was diagnosed that any threats of any kind and you’re out the door. We have set up a Trust Fund but we’ve set it up that he has to stay clean and it will be managed by a Fiduciary but only if he stays out of trouble. So if he kills us now, and yes, we still worry about that from time to time, then he gets nothing.
So it’s a new life. But we have boundaries. If worry, depression or being an enabler helped my son he’d be in great shape. He is now getting out on outings with my husband and sometimes with me. So we’re making progress. Next I want to get him to do his own laundry. Now if I had done those requirements at a much younger age, he’d have progressed even faster.
Hugs and love
I’ve told him I will kick him out to which he reminds me that I will have to get an attorney and go through court to have him evicted bc he lives here and gets mail here. And unfortunately he is right, unless he physically hurts me of course. And since I don’t work and have no income at the moment he knows he has me over a barrel. I just pray daily that it never comes to that!!
If he threatens you and you fear for your life, no, you can get him removed from your house. I’ve done it several times and it works. They’ll put him in for a psych eval for 72 hours at the most. We have a PERT unit at our Police Dept. and you can call them and arrange for this or even have them talk to him about the reality that you can have him removed if he threatens you but doesn’t touch you. My son broke my glasses and I had him removed. He’s urinated on my walls. I get how horrible this can be. Now he’s doing better and I pray for the same for you.
I’m sorry you’re not working but I pray that you’ll be able to find a job quickly and get out of this bad situation. Just like my son, he sounds very dangerous and it’s horrible to be strong with our kids but it’s to keep him out of jail for much longer maybe? If you can move out with a friend, do it. Sometimes we enable them and they need a bit of reality?
My son is constantly telling me to go get checked because he is sure there is something physically wrong with me. I’m perfectly healthy but he is sure I am not. I believe that any of his worries manifest into paranoia. He has often said he is unsure he will be able to take care of me if I were to become terminally ill.
Perhaps if you get a physical done and have all the blood tests, you can alleviate your sons preoccupation with your death. I know it helped my son to know that I have blood tests that prove I don’t have some hidden illness.
When he said it "you’re not going fast enough " Referring to my dying, i was on the phone with my daughter. She couldn’t believe he said that and was concerned with his tone. He knows I suffer from chronic migraines and ptsd (that comes from a long line of abusive men in my life from my father and 3 ex husbands. He knows when I’m weak and that’s when he strikes the most. But I do try to look past the brain disorder and try to find my son in there. Today was a good day! I’ll take them whenever I can get them!! I know he does worry about me but sometimes the words he uses scares me. Just like yesterday he said out of the clear blue sky “mama you know we are going to die at the same time right?” I try to blow it off but I do sleep with my bedroom door locked!!
We all have to hang onto those good days!
My son brings up that kind of stuff from time to time - I just tell him that we’re both going to live to a ripe, old age.
When he’s fairly well and realizes that he’s not functioning like other people, he’ll tell me things like he wouldn’t be able to live without me and that we might as well get a double coffin - or urn, since I don’t plan to be buried.
I keep stressing to him that this new program he is in is designed to help him be able to live independently if that’s what he wants, and that they will step in to help him if anything happens to him - since we don’t have any family we could depend on to do that.
Him & his father love each other, but it’s best if they only see each other for short periods and I don’t think they could live together if I wasn’t around. If there was a true crisis, his dad would be there and be great, but it wouldn’t be good for everyday.
Yeah my son and his father are the same way. His dad is there in emergency but doesn’t believe he has a brain illness. Says it’s the drugs he takes. Which I think is funny and the pot calling the kettle black!! His dad is a high functioning pot head! And has been all his life. He also drinks a lot. But works hard and makes really good money and helps me out financially from time to time. I pray one day they can have a better relationship! However it hurts me when his dad calls me wanting me to come see him and ride horses but doesn’t want our son to come. And I know that hurts our son too so most of the time I don’t go.
That sounds very scary. I can understand your fear. I’m sorry about the abuse you have had to live with. Has your son always said these sorts of statements or are the new since being diagnosed? Perhaps it is not his illness, but rather from learned behavior. I’m just wondering if family therapy might help.
Also, my son has never been violent until this past month he assaulted his father while we were visiting him. I put my son in the hospital after the assault. Since his release (knock on wood) we have had all good days! The only thing that has changed is that they prescribed a patch called Scopolamine. It is suppose to help with the drooling from the Clozapine, but it has done more than that. It has taken away his agitation and anxiousness, and he hasn’t seemed as depressed. He’s actually cracked a few jokes and laughed, a side of him I haven’t seen in a long time. He still experiences the voices but his mood and attitude have made a world of difference.
I don’t know what medication your son is on, but maybe this will help. We have tried so many, and this is the first on that has helped so much and it isn’t even an antipsychotic so there is no battle getting him to wear it.
Stay safe. Hopefully we will both someday get our sons back, the ones we know and love.
He was diagnosed at age 22 and is now 32. Bf his diagnosis he never said or did anything to make me feel scared or afraid. However, he has been through a lot since Christmas. I divorced his step dad, moved my son in with me after 3 years of living on his own in a house I bought for him beside us. He was spiraling out of control and had almost died several times.
After several tumultuous mths, he finally agreed to go back on the invega susteena shot and there has been marked improvement over the last couple weeks.
I’m so thankful for this break!! He has also started online school and the persuasive friends that push meth are no longer coming around!!
The downside of the shot is weight gain. He craves sweets !! And that’s a big deal for him. I’m trying to help him make healthier food choices.
I’ve not heard of the patch you mentioned but will most definitely check into it!! And I pray that we both will have our sons back for good!! Along with every other loved one who suffers from this terrible invisible brain illness! I can only imagine what it must be like to walk in their shoes! I will never give up on my son or learning and sharing about sz and bpd.
I’m so thankful for this forum family!!
That’s so great he’s doing better - and staying away from the drugs. I was pretty worried about both of you.
For me, if I have a lot of sugar, I just want more & more. Same with white bread & french fries. But, I find if I have some more fruit, it helps. I think it’s an addiction in every sense of the word.
Maybe you let him have some sweets, but just get him to eat some fruit with you.
My son has recently taken a liking to kiwi fruit - I peal it with the same peeler I use on cucumbers & potatoes then slice it. It doesn’t hurt that it’s very pretty.
He’ll also eat apples on his own as long as I get the right ones - honeycrisp are his favourite.
Last night he ate an entire bowl of cucumbers & vinegar, and ever since he went into the hospital for the first time last fall, he’s got a thing for raw spinach & hot sauce. He eats it by the bowlful.
I don’t get on him about the junk food - I just make sure I keep offering him the healthy stuff too, even if it’s asking him if he wants some of whatever I’m eating.
I’m so glad he is doing better. I am thinking about having my son try Vraylar. it’s relatively new and something we have not tried. Unfortunately, if it doesn’t work and we wanted to go back to Clozapine, we would have to go back to the weekly blood tests and we are only now getting close to only having the blood tests monthly.
My son has battled with drugs as well. I think much of the problem is that they just want to feel good. It’s so hard to convince him his life doesn’t suck, when it really does suck.
All of these medications cause weight gain. My son has went from 160 pounds to 254 pounds in the past four years. He has an insatiable appetite and craves sweets also. Sometimes I think that eating is the only enjoyment he has. He lost 7 pounds in a week the last time he was in the hospital, but gained it right back. I’m sure if he lost the weight he gained it would help with his social anxiety. I’ve also told him that if he lost weight his doctor could lower his medication dosage.
I pray for a cure for this disease. I was so hopeful when I read that NAMI said that there would be a cure in 10 years, then read the article was posted in 2003. Over thirteen years since they posted the article and still nothing.
I will never give up on my son or the hope for a cure.
Vraylar is good! My son took it for a short period with no side effects!! But that was when the bad influence friends were around and he stopped taking it. Along with all his meds. Wish it came in shot form! I would recommend giving it a try if your son is willing to take pills. If you do, let us know how it goes.