Solicitation for advice, thoughts, soundboard (please tell me if I am crazy)
My husband wants to have kids. Before we got married, we had talked about having children. We both wanted children, and possibly to adopt/foster (we both worked with Special Needs students, I still do)
Here’s what’s going around in my head right now:
I am tired. I don’t know if my husband realizes how imbalanced our life is, and how much is on me. I work full time. I pay the bills. I do the paperwork. I take care of him. I manage our debt. I plan our meals. I clean. I cook.
Whenever we talk about family planning, he is excited about being able to be a “stay at home dad” but inside, I feel crushed. I am exhausted now, just taking care of him. I can’t imagine growing a person, then having to leave and keep working, and hope that my husband is stable enough to manage while I’m at work. and I know I would still be responsible for taking care of all the things he doesn’t take into account-- doctor’s appointments, dentists appointments, food every day all day, etc.
I don’t think he will be a good father. I feel a LOT of shame about admitting that. My husband would be an amazing father in a lot of ways. but when he’s symptomatic, he’s not reliable. He’s angry, agitated, irrational, and can’t always use his words. I know it’s not a true “test run,” but seeing how he acted when our dog was a puppy really made me worry. He was short-tempered, resentful, and his symptoms went through the roof (intense anxiety, agitation, agoraphobia, etc)
What do I do?