Heartbroken - Help and Advice Needed Plz!

Family
1

I’ve been with my boyf (who has sz) for just under a year. A few months into our relationship he suddenly came off his meds but seemed fine off them. Around Thanksgiving I noticed a change in him though. We rowed constantly and whilst I was aware stress can trigger episodes with him, I felt I couldn’t back down on the way he was treating me. Then suddenly he wanted me out of his apartment as he felt claustrophobic and felt I was everywhere. So I moved my stuff out and stopped sleeping over. Every time we argued, he would blame me but then would always be so sorry and apologetic after. I always thought we could work through all our problems.

Things started to take a turn for the worse earlier this year. He heard voices almost every day, rows constantly, aggressive outbursts but I was always the person who comforted him and calmed him down. In his clearer moments afterwards, he would always thank me for looking after him and tell me he loved me. As weeks passed he became more and more withdrawn from me, like I was the last person he wanted to see or hear from. The doctor again advised him to go on the meds but he refused. So, then about two weeks ago he finished with me. He seemed so cold and distant. He blamed the relationship for his problems. I was heart broken and nearly questioned my own health wondering if I’d just imagined our relationship and his feelings for me over the past year.

Within days of that he went back on his meds very suddenly. I begged him to not give up on our relationship now that he was on the meds. He refused, saying he needed to get his health sorted. Two days later he messages me asking how I’m doing and now he messages me really nice stuff on and off most days. I met him yesterday and he became upset when he saw me and told me he loved me but that he didn’t want to be with me as he needed to sort his head out. He told me he was getting involved in a recovery program. I told him I loved him and wanted to be the person by his side to help.

So then, he called to my apartment tonight with some stuff from his place belonging to me. We talked and he told me he loved me but that I needed to move on and that I’ll find someone better. He keeps saying he can’t be in a relationship as they’re too hard for him to deal with and he wants to sort himself out. He said he can’t ask me to wait for that as he may decide he wants to be single then. We hugged and then kissed, and he tells me again he loves me but has to leave me. He showed no sadness in saying that to me.

My heart is broke in a million pieces. He said he can’t remember part of the last few months so it seems like I fought and cried so hard over the past few months to help him and keep our relationship going and now be doesn’t remember any of it or all the help I gave him when he was really struggling.

I don’t know what to do. I can’t just move on. We had an amazing relationship and I can’t live with regrets in my life as big as this… I just don’t know what I can do to get our relationship back. Does it sound like he’ll come back to me? Or do I not contact him? I just don’t know what to do with myself. I’m completely devastated and heartbroken.

2

Well he sounds like he is prioritizing his health…maybe he should be left alone to sort his illness out. This illness drains some, maybe most sufferers of energy and emotions. I would keep in touch but try to move on if you can. He sounds like he has insight but is definitely not stable. This is very sad, but he might need to be alone. I have this condition but am 90% recovered on meds and without meds this illness can wreak absolute havoc on the mind, which is what sounds like what happened to him. I took the summer off and was pretty lonely save for the weekends during last summer when I got on meds and quit drinking. I needed a lot of alone time to recover and basically wake up from what had been a waking nightmare.

This illness is hell. His mind and emotions are probably stretched thin as can be. I didnt even think about dating while I was in earlier stages of recovery. Now I have been dating people, I have something going with someone as of now actually, we’re sort of dating, I guess you could say we have something other than just friendship going on for sure, but were not officially dating.

I had some screw buddies earlier in this past semester. We were just students using eachother for stress relief. No real bond, just friends who happened to be physically intimate. I was stressed out and deprived of sex so I went along with two people, one after the other.

I did date some people last fall and winter but it didnt get past a few weekends.

But yeah I think moving on but keeping in touch might be best. I really do think that he is too consumed with his delusions and hallucinations and paranoia to get through to others. I know I used to be like that, without a doubt. Now I am moving on in life and am open to experiences wholeheartedly.

Recovery comes in all sorts of shapes and sizes. Some people go on to become doctors or lawyers, some people are accountants or something, some people are happy to have jobs that dont require an education, some people can only work part time, some people cant work at all. Some people are 50% improved, some 0% improved, some upwards of 90%. Some people get worse. It is very sad and there are treatments but no cure. Even the most highly functioning people often need regimented lifestyles (I do, Elyn Saks works seven days a week and she is the current standard of recovery, go watch her TED talk or something) and some cant handle much other than taking care of themselves. I am fortunate to be capable of having a normal life and not come off as mentally ill unless I tell people. I used to think I was beyond repair and that I would never hear silence again. He sounds like he is already doing relatively well. Perhaps if you stay in touch he will come back.

But for now, let him be. He’s had a hard time, I dont mean to give him excuses, but I sort of am. Try watching a paranoid schizophrenia simulator on youtube and reading about the symptoms like thought disorders and delusions, the symptoms you cant simulate. I used to sleep 5 hours a night and wake up psychotic and agitated. That went on for over a year. It hurt me and it took me another year to recover and trust people and open up to them.

I understand that you feel like all is lost- that is not the case. You may come to realize that you dont want to get back together with him if you really read up on prognosis, medication compliance, ect. I mean the fact that he quit meds means he is not truly stable or sane. Someone told me that sane people take meds, crazy people feel just fine. I think that is true. He denied his illness and thought he was not ill, that or his meds stopped working, either one is not a good thing and something you might not want to be around because people do some…how do I put it…crazy shit when theyre psychotic. He may have ended up emotionally hurting you quite deeply, I think maybe he realizes that and that may be the reason he wants to cut things off.

Just stay in touch but do move on. He was psychotic, and recovery from psychosis is slow, period. It gets deep into people and is known to permanently scar them psychologically and emotionally. I do my best not to look back, there is a lot of suffering in my past and he has been suffering in a way that I dont think you can imagine, not to say youre ignorant, just saying that its basically impossible to imagine what its like to be fully schizophrenic. Hallucinations, delusions, trains of thought that run off the tracks, emotional numbness, incorrect fluctuating emotions, insomnia, paranoia that I cant even describe, its just hell. My case went something like 3 voices 24/7, constant delusions that I could not control, sometimes broken trains of though (formally referred to as disorganized thinking), insomnia, extreme agitation, you get the picture.

I mean to say that he might be incapable of love right now.

3

You can become his estfriend I understand his point of view when schitz effects u it controls you & your not you anymore I have two kids & a loving fiance when I get stressed out I end up having a episode sometimes & I start asking my fiance are u sure u want to marry me & telling him I dont want to take care of the kids I want to luve n a pshyc hospital instead. U see it really takes over ur mind & makes u SO negative. One day his medicine will be right & he will undrrstand he needs meds to survive & u will always be there for him if he needs space give it to him . Just be there for him when he needs u again. Again be a good friend for now

4

Thank you both for taking the time to reply. I figure it’s a case of letting him go but it’s next to impossible when he’s told me previously that no matter what, to not give up on him. Even when I asked him that tonight, he said he couldn’t give me an answer. My eyes are truly opened to how dreadfully painful it is for someone to have sz, and for those who love them, and I’ve been aware of problems which we may well face in the future etc., but this sudden break-up was never expected.

I do feel there’s truth in what you say about possibly trying to protect me as he keeps telling me I’ll find someone better, illness free etc, can offer me a better future etc. But it’s killing me to walk away from someone I love and care for so much. I guess its impossible to understand how it went from him telling me for so long that I was everything he ever wanted and he couldn’t wait to marry me, start a family etc to this situation where it’s all over in a matter of days.

5

Do you think it’s a control issue? Maybe he only likes you when it is on his own terms. When he feels good he likes you. When he feels he is control of the relationship. Maybe I’m way off here.

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@77nick77 thank you for the reply. I’m not sure about the control aspect but I don’t think so. It seems like he hasn’t been in control for some time from what he now tells me. I think he maybe trying to protect me from things as although I understand he needs space,I think his guilt over me being unhappy maybe driving this. It doesn’t make sense why he keeps telling me he loves me, but then being negative about the person he is and saying things have to end.

7

I think he should seek help with his mental illness. I notice a lot of people with schizophrenia also have psychological problems due to feeling shame and being lost.

8

Wow, yeah that would be heartbreaking if you truly love him. Personally I feel relationship comes first and in fact should be healing unless the relationship itself isnt working… In other words in my experience a good relationship = health, motivation, etc…and I would have much more of a problem being by myself and not having anyone close.
The protective thing is possible if there is a chance he could become abusive verbally or otherwise and he doesn’t want to do that to you… I have heard of such things before. However i still think if 2 people really love each other they should be able to overcome that

9

Wow Desperatlysad, I know how you feel I am going through he same thing with my boyfriend of 1 year. Your right it is. So very HARD…and DRAINING. There are many days that I don’t know if I will get through it. I Love him very much & yes it does hurt. I hope that we both ( you & I) can get through this. It helps to have this support Group and maybe they can help us learn and understand. GOOD LUCK and KEEP YOUR HEAD UP!!!

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Thank you all for the messages. @StarryNight he is thankfully back on his meds now and starting a program next week which I hope will help him and also make him realize that’s it’s not the r’ship that is the problem, but just his thinking, because we had an amazing r’ship up to the past few months.
@e_lunaseer I had always thought the same as you, but I guess I perhaps wasn’t fully aware of the grip the illness can take on someone’s emotions. I had never foreseen him withdrawing from me emotionally like this. I think the protective thing may be a real possibility though as even today he told he wanted me but needed to learn to stop depending on me, which I think is a good sign the meds are helping although the withdrawal is still there. I’m not exactly sure how long it takes meds to start working but I think there’s an improvement for sure.
@lizo6932 I really feel so sorry that you too are going through this as it truly is the worst feeling in the world. Has your boyf withdrawn totally or how are you both getting along? I agree this forum is great for helping, I just wish I’d come across it before all of this so I could have known more or had better insight. I hope we both get through this awful time and things get better for our boyfs. If I can be of any help please let me know or maybe we can mail each other, might be good for us both. It helps to know were not alone in all of this.

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Thank You Desperatlysad, I will try to keep in touch but sometimes I am unable to get on here. I try to get on without him knowing.

12

I think that he cares so much for you that he doesn’t want to hurt you - and he knows he might if you stay together. He’s probably also sorting out his own self-worth and self-esteem: maybe he might feel like he doesn’t deserve you, like he shouldn’t drag you down into his illness and the lifelong journey that it entails?

There are no easy answers when a loved one has sz - my mom has had it from my early childhood. But these forums are a great place for advice, talking about it, and just getting support.

I believe that whatever happens, it’s for the best. If you stay together - it will be for the best. If you separate, it will be for the best.

I don’t know if you’re religious - but I am, so I’ll include you in my prayers tonight, whoever you are.

13

@trevdna thank you so much, I pray every day that things will turn around but right now, nothing is working.
@lizo6932 you are in my thoughts so much, and if there is any support I can offer please let me know.
I met him today and he kissed and cuddled me but said he didn’t want to disappoint me thinking we would get our relationship back on track. I said I was sad already because I’d been with him through the bad times and now that things will improve, I was at a loss to understand why he’d end it all now rather than take the support and comfort a relationship can bring. He kept saying he could do awful things and he didn’t want to disappoint me. I said he should tell his doctor he’d just ended the r’ship so it could be discussed and his feelings of disappointing me but he said no to that. I asked why he wasn’t sad over things and he said he wasn’t thinking about the breakup and has blocked it out as he just wants to concentrate on himself and that the peace and no pressure he has felt the last week, he knows he’s doing the right thing. I made sure I listened and empathised, but tried to explain that the rows were because of the symptoms but he doesn’t want to hear it and says he’s now on his meds and knows this is right. I explained that he’s focussing on the rows but not the good times, and that new memories can always be made now that he’s back on the meds and we can work on things. He didn’t want to hear that either and when I gave him my notes from my counselling session on the relationship, he refused to look at them although I told him to take them with him and read in his own time. He said he’d take them with him but wouldn’t read them. He then asked for a photo of me as he said he’d like one of me. He also said he’d be there for me and any boyfriend I will have in the future! I didn’t want to stress him anymore so I left it at that, and he’s gone off thinking we are the best of friends. He ended our meeting telling me that he wasn’t going to tell anyone we had broken up, that he’d leave me to deal with handling that end of things. I can’t put into words how I feel right now.

14

No need to desperatlysad I can feel your hurt as I have these feelings often. This relationship is already a little hard as I was in a 25 year Marriage and after it ended I didn’t even consider having a boyfriend or letting anyone that close. When I started seeing my boyfriend now I never thought that I would fall so much in love with him. We have a huge age difference ( I’m 53 & He’s 35). it doesn’t matter to us but maybe that’s why I am so Patient ( Most of the time). Be Patient and try to keep a hold of your feelings for him even if it is silently for awhile.

15

Schizophrenics can be odd sometimes. If I were you I wouldn’t take his current coldness too much to heart. Trust me, this illness can cause a lot of this shit. He may not mean what he says. He may be under the influence of voices telling him what to do or he may also be paranoid of things which may be causing him problems. What Im saying is don’t take it personally. Schizophrenia can cause this shit. I personally have done a lot of things I regretted over the years. Ive hurt a lot of people close to me but I didn’t mean it. It was the illness.

16

I wouldn’t worry about that at all. My Dad is also married to someone 17 years younger than him, and got married in 1970…My Mom who was 5 years older than him almost completely flipped when Dad told her he was marrying someone “half his age”…LOL.
But now after 44 years of marriage there really isn’t much age difference like back then, as they are both ancient…just kidding - actually my Dad is in better physical shape than his wife…

17

Thank you all for the messages. @lizo6932 hope you are doing ok, any support I can offer please let me know,your in my thoughts. @karl - thank you for your reply, I’m trying to not take his coldness to heart as much now. Although it’s proving a lot more difficult than I thought possible. Any time I try to put distance between us, he contacts me. One moment he’s telling me he loves me and kissing me (although still not wanting the relationship) and the next moment, I don’t hear from him for days. Im going to try continue putting some distance in place though as it’s an emotional rollercoaster every day and is eating me up inside so much. Again, thank you all for the messages and support.