I’ve been dating a guy who was diagnosed with schizophrenia after he graduated from highschool. He was my world for just over a year,I don’t think I’ll ever meet someone so beautiful as him. He had to focus getting better and he wasnt able to be there for me when I needed him. I’ve almost created a mental tally chart with how many times we have broken up and gotten back together because he promised he could change and my desperation in not wanting to let him go, let him wiggle his way back into my life time after time. I was also afraid that without me, he could possibly commit suicide or damage himself further. I felt responsible because I believed I could help him make his life better and give him more reason to live. Almost all of my body, every inch of me wants him to come back but it just leads to more heart break. I need to move on but I don’t want to without him. I keep wishing he would arrive at my gate and tell me it would all be alright and that he loves me. I keep listening for the sounds of cars driving down my street, feeling excited when I hear the sounds of the front door open or at least I think i do. Loving someone with schizophrenia has changed me and my life. It has been tragic but at least I have had the privilege of knowing and loving him.
I hope things work out for you and your boyfriend Schizophrneia can make lfe difficult sometimes but understanding and tolerance helps.
Moved to the Family section.
(Wearing moderator hat)
You don’t have to feel guilty about it. Sometimes relationships don’t work. You can never be responsible for someone else’s happiness. That never works. It sounds like he has a lot more healing to go through before he is ready to be in a healthy relationship. People are capable of changing, but it very rarely happens within the same relationship.
I can’t even tell you how many relationships failed for me because of my mental health. Eventually I realized I needed to stay alone and figure out how to get better, rather than trying to find someone who would accept me the way I was. A relationship with someone who is unwell can be intense, because your brain chemistry changes when you’re repeatedly exposed to extreme highs and lows. Over time, your brain actually becomes addicted to the emotional extremes. That is also why people stay in abusive relationships. But it isn’t healthy for anyone, and sometimes you just need to step back and detox. Eventually you’ll both find your way in the world.
I’m in a bit of the same situation. My oldest brother has Sz and I thought that would give me some insight or some sort of an edge when I met my ex-boyfriend. Living with my brother through his battles taught me patience and understanding. But for my Ex-bf, it wasn’t enough.
I remember thinking that exact same thing. It’s not true. It’s easy to caught up in that thinking, but again, it’s just not true.
When I look around and see the challenges my ex was facing, and how I could help at times, I felt like I needed to look after him. But my ex needed to figure out how over come things on his own. No matter how much I wanted to help him, my effort came up short.
My ex has a family, has other friends, has other girlfriends, and he’ll land on his feet eventually. I have to let go and just hope he finds health and happiness. If he wants to be a friend later, we’ll see. But for now, it’s not a good idea. He doesn’t want meds, or therapy, or anything. He says he too busy for that. He’s in hospital now, again.
That is very true, and over time the high/ low; fight and make up patten became very easy and almost seemed normal. It was “just what we do” Lots of intensity. I’ve realized now, that’s not a stable relationship.
I don’t know about you, but I made the mistake of excusing some behavior because of his Sz. That didn’t help either of us out. His heavy drinking? Well there are lots of people who aren’t Sz and drink heavily and become mean and hostile.
His other girlfriends? Again, has nothing to do with being Sz.
When things were good, they were amazing. I did fall for him pretty hard. It’s hard letting go. However sometimes it has to be done. I learned a lot from him, and I wish him the best. I am also glad I met him and had a chance to get to know him. Thinking I could help him heal and overcome this illness, help him cope, keep him safe? That never works. I see now that sort of healing comes from within.
I hope things go easier for you soon. Stay strong and good luck
Thank you for letting me post.
I went out for 6 years with a guy. I think we were in love and should have married.
But he actually had a brother who had sz and then left home and was never seen again. The mother kept the home for a long time hoping that he would return. I was only 22 at the time and all this made me think.
I was terrified of having children at the time. And I was especially afraid that if he had a brother with sz we would have “2 headed children”. Of course being Catholic we never did it before marriage. But I was pushing him to do everything but. So we broke up and I eventually got better and didn’t even see a doctor for 10 years.
So then I got married and had our son at 32 years old. The stress of work and a baby and husband gave me another break and I was medically retired from the government. and so here I’ve been visiting sz.com since 1995 1996. If anyone remembers, I think I’m better now than I was way back then.
Why did I just say all that ?
Some goodreads for those who are contemplating – or in – romantic relationships with people who have psychotic spectrum diagnoses.
The former obviously. The latter because psychotic spectrum patients tned to flip back and forth between love addicted and love avoidant, and Mellody explains those nicely. Moreover, our reasoning is anything but reliable under stress.
Thank you for your response, I really appreciate what you have learnt. I just can’t stop wishing that somehow he could be special and different. It just hurts to think that he had such a promising future and now I don’t want to face the reality that maybe his dreams for the future are no longer possible. I have seen some schizophrenics in TED talks that have come out of it, used the disorder for good and have risen to the occasion and become very successful. I have encouraged him to go university to study compsci which he almost finished but couldn’t due to a change in medication due to weight gain. I believe that I could maybe just help him gain a little bit of confidence. Even if I do that, I will be satisfied even if we are not together forever. He will always have a piece of me, wherever we end up. If I could help him not give up, if I could make a difference. I’ll keep trying.
Do you believe that personalities can kind of change things. If someone is determined to be better and not give up and have kindness running through their veins surely that could make a difference from the norm?
You can’t do anything to help him. That is the sad reality. Those of us who are able to accomplish so much are very responsive to our medications/therapy, have a lower level of symptoms, have no negative symptoms, or some combination of those. Has anyone ever explained the negative symptoms of schizophrenia to you?
Negative symptoms are like, lack of motivation, anxiety and depression I think. Positive symptoms are like delusions and hallucinations.
Yeah, basically. It’s a little more complicated, but that’s a good general overview. Some folks, like me and the girl in your TED talks video, don’t get negative symptoms, so it is easier for us to accomplish things that seem impossible to folks who struggle with them. It is very hard to force yourself to try your hardest when it doesn’t make you feel any better or more proud of yourself.
I’ve seen him accomplishing things make him feel better. It’s just harder to get there.
I need to move on, I know. It’s just incredibly hard to face the reality when reality tears you to pieces. Wishing won’t make things better.
I think you may have to move on.
I broke up with my ex during my schizophrenic episode because some where through the madness I realized the situation might end up like this and didn’t want to hold her back from university and all that.
She’s moved on, found love completed university almost and works as a lawyer now.
you are a good person @Kidsister… .
but you can do better… and deserve better.
i want to save everything ;
but it is a impossible task.
we sz are complex…difficult to live with…sometimes.
sounds like you did the right thing
good on you.
I do agree with you that a kind personality and a determined outlook will benefit the person in the long run. But during the onset, during the hard times it’s still not easy.
If the person is still using drugs or drinking and not ready to accept outside help, there is nothing we can do but let go and hope they come back.
I was lucky with my oldest brother, he came back. My ex-boyfriend, still too early to tell what he’s going to do or when he’s going to accept outside help.
Hope your healing too.
thank you @darksith
You may have moved by now. Your mind wants clarity and things to work out. He is struggling with the condition. All you can both do is take every logical step that makes the condition more under control. Medication, making a diary to observe patterns, CBT, even some clinical psychologists can help.
The decision you have is made more simple in this way. Have you researched, implemented and reanalysed what both of you can do to stop, subdue, or limit the condition on your relationship.
I find going to my motor-home, allows me space to clear my head. I need time apart and then i can try again.