Family and Caregiver Schizophrenia Discussion Forum

What should I do with my schizophrenic boyfriend?

He’s at the homeless shelter & he’s telling the guards to tell me he’s not there. I called him 3 times & went over there. But they are covering up for him. We broke up… It was because I tried to change him. I stopped becoming loving & understanding & tried to change him. Should I give up? Do you think he really doesn’t wanna talk to me anymore? Or should I try harder?

idk @jasminez4u2 maybe leave it a while, maybe you being around is unhealthy for him just now, sorry x

Do you think he’ll ever call me back?

i dont know @jasminez4u2 sorry

You’re both probably better off this way. I understand why you’d want to change him if he is living at the homeless shelter. But sometimes we’re just not ready to accept help at first. And I’m sure the relationship created a lot of turmoil in your own life. Based on your words, you kind of sound like the abused girlfriend trying to rewrite your whole life to accommodate someone who isn’t willing to do the same for you. Granted, I know nothing about your relationship. I’m just guessing. But, while we might rather have love and understanding, what most of us need is a push to better ourselves. We just have to be in the right frame of mind to accept it.,

Just give it some time. Maybe eventually he’ll decide to take the steps necessary to get help. Maybe not. But don’t try to push things. People have a tendency to pull away moire the harder we try to push them.

You’re absolutely right!! Except he was taking his medication regularly with me. It was me trying to force him to get a job, and get out!! I had unrealistic expectations for him. I knew him for 6 months, and done research on schizoprenia so I had an idea of what I was getting myself into. But recently, when we actually start living together my logic with schizoprenia went out the window. I start blaming him for not communicating with me, and being there for me emotionally. He was getting better with me, his mom told me she appreciates everything I’m doing for him. But I had so much mixed feelings for him, I loved him but I didn’t realize how much of a commitment this would take on my part. He’s so nice & sweet for the most part, it wasn’t till after I start getting frustrated he started treating me different! He signed up for a group home, so he would only be living with me temporally. But I got overwhelmed & started to become depressed with him. It wasn’t just him, it was my own insecurities getting in the way. So I broke up with him. And now he’s at a homeless shelter. I feel like I broke his heart, but on the other hand he treated me very cold at the end. I’m so confused. I miss him. Can you please tell me how you think he’s feeling from your perspective? Maybe you have insight that I don’t know

Well, I don’t know his story personally, but based on my own experiences, it is very hard to have someone push you to grow faster than you’re ready for. Especially if he had already made so much progress. I recently made a lot of progress in my own life, but then my aunt talked to me about how I’m wasting my life and I need to go back to school, and it pissed me off. I worked hard to get to a stable place, and I wanted some time to just sit back and be proud of my accomplishments, without being pushed even more.

Flat affect is a very real thing, and can make us feel like total emotionless zombies. I remember the day I decided to get help was when I was at my sister’s wedding and just felt nothing. Luckily for me, that has mostly gone away as I’ve healed, but that isn’t how it works for everyone. It is kind of part of the package deal when you’re dating someone with schizophrenia.

That said, the most important thing in every relationship is that each person is taking care of their own emotional needs first. It sounds like your emotional needs weren’t being met. It isn’t your responsibility to make him better. You need to look out for yourself, because if you don’t, you’ll never be in a stable relationship. That was a hard truth I’ve had to learn. I’ve had a lot of relationships crash and burn because I wasn’t taking care of my own needs. So, maybe something you’ve learned about yourself is that you’re not the kind of person who can handle a relationship with his kind of schizophrenia. And that is totally okay. You don’t have to feel guilty for being honest with yourself. He will continue on his journey anyways. Maybe he’ll take some of the things you taught him. Maybe he learned a lot about life from his time with you. And maybe that’s all your relationship was meant to be. Just a learning experience for both of you.

I feel bad that I have put resentment in him towards me. Those were not my intentions in the beginning. I have so much love for him. He let me see such a vulnerable side of him & I will never forget it. I don’t want him to remember me by the person I became at the end. I still want him to know that I love him unconditionally. Do you think it’s possible for him to let me be a part of his life even though I am not together with him? I don’t want to ruin our friendship. However I’m scared of rejection, I feel like he hates me now. Do you think if he honestly wanted me in his life, he would reach out to me? This just happened a few days ago so everything is still fresh. And thanks for the advice, I appreciate it.

I might be the wrong person to ask about that. I very strongly believe exes shouldn’t stay friends, because it prevents them from fully moving on. Obviously, it works for some people, but I personally can’t see that being a good mix.

I heard a saying once that rang very true for me. A girl breaking up with you and saying she still wants to be friends is like your parents saying your dog died but you can still keep it around.

If he comes back to his senses he might regret giving you the brush off. Your boyfriend needs to get on medication. Until he does that a satisfactory relationship is probably impossible.

My on off again partner of 3 years does this from time to time I know it’s really hard to do and I make the mistake of trying to contact him at times but for your own emotional sanity I recommend you just stop trying and wait to see if he comes round and contacts you. From my own experience it just causes more hurt and confusion trying to figure out why and what his thinking or how can I make it better because there really isn’t an answer a lot of the time and it leaves you feeling rejected overwhelmed and lost
Don’t beat yourself up about things you’ve said or done everyone’s on a learning journey and we all make mistakes most of all when we are feeling hurt by someone we love and feel like we aren’t getting the same in return

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Let him be for awhile.

I had a boyfriend who was SZ and when I tried hard to reach him, he retreated. I tried not to push, but I would worry when I hadn’t heard from him for a few days and I would try and chase him down, only to find, it never worked.

I hope you take some time for you and let him rest and just see what happens. The way things are going isn’t helping the situation. Good luck and I hope things work out for you both.

He broke my heart

We’re good at that, unfortunately. I left a long trail of broken hearts in the wake of my psychosis. I would like to apologize to a lot of them, but in the end I think it’s better for them if I just stay out of their lives now. My sister liked to say that we don’t break hearts, we destroy lives. I don’t want to open up old wounds for people.

Why’d you do it? What was your reason for leaving?

Lots of different reasons. I had to go through a lot of personal growth before I was ready to be in a stable relationship. I had a tendency to cause drama when it wasn’t really necessary. I got really clingy and I couldn’t trust anyone, not even after they had proven themselves to be trustworthy. I just didn’t like the person I became when I was in those relationships. Those people brought out the worst in me, instead of the best.

Ultimately, I think the reason was that I just knew it wasn’t ever going to work. If it’s right, you just know it. There is no question of, “Could I make this work if I really tried?” Relationships are hard, but with the right person it doesn’t seem hard at all.

Pretend he’s a little feral kitten. Let him be. At most send a message (don’t call ask for whoever runs the shelter to tell him) that you’re ready whenever he wants to come home. If he does, wonderful. Maybe ease back into it. Leave out a little cream in the morning, maybe a few kibbles at night. Don’t reach out to pet him until he’s ready or he’ll spook. Slowly and gently.

If he doesn’t come back, that’s his life choice.

Hi Jasmine! I been with my partner 12years and 6years ago after having my son my hubby was diagnose schizoaffective… I did all I can to help him. He refuse it. He’s in denial. I lost my husband overnight to this disease. U name it I been through it. Still going through it until today because I believe in hope. Don’t know how longer I can chase him down. If there’s no string attach I would say run, run as far as u can. This is a life time disease. U deserve to live happy and I do too.

Might not be a bad idea to get a copy of this. (Changed my life.)