(post deleted by author)
I see that you’ve deleted the post that I’d drafted this reply to, but I felt it may have value to you and others, so here it goes:
Reading back through your posts, I started off thinking I didn’t understand either of you, nor could I be of much help helping you understand him. But I realized that wasn’t it— I just don’t understand your relationship. And whether we admit it or not, most caregiving relationships like this don’t make sense much of the time for a myriad of reasons—especially to outsiders. But we all have our reasons for taking on these burdens: feelings of family obligations, marital vows, love, duty, etc.
I’m reminded of an old joke I believe made famous in a Woody Allen film. The story goes, a man goes into a psychiatrist office and says my family’s very worried, my uncle thinks he’s a chicken. The psychiatrist says, I see, that’s serious, why don’t you bring him in and get him treated? The man says, because we need the eggs.
Individually, I feel both your positions about your living situations make some sense from respective perspectives. I don’t feel you’re being any more “selfish” than he is— in fact to the contrary, I’d say he’s being more selfish and entitled than you are. This is nothing new, as caregivers we have an inherent advantage over the cared for in being coherent and being the adult in the relationship in many ways—after all we’re the ones who’re supposedly more sane. Yet, you’re in this relationship because you need the eggs—whatever that is for you. And like the proverbial eggs in China, the cost of “eggs” in the EU interferes with that, just as the costs of “eggs” in my region of the US interferences in unique ways with my relationship with my brother. And I feel safe saying caregivers universally feel these situations suck— oh, there’s details of just how they suck and to what degree that we’re compelled to vent about here, but unless we can influence our society to change the cost of “eggs” or find tricks to navigate around those costs we’re stuck in this situation.
And because we’re caregivers—we care, we need the eggs. And there’s no escape, until we can’t or won’t care anymore. And as you say, not caring isn’t an option for you—we can’t talk you out of it. So if it helps validate how you feel, we all feel very much the same, but differently—each suffering in our own excruciating ways depending on the price of “eggs” in our locality.
I spent many years and much money on a therapist who tried to break me from framing situations as: this, but that; in favor of: this, and that. Your partner has his position and you have yours, BUT you and your partner are framing it as he has his position, BUT you have yours. This framing leads to conflict, because it forces a choice— one of your positions has to win out to be resolved “satisfactorily”. And most caregivers realize they often need to be the adult in such situations and say no. Which leaves you in the world of the AND— agreeing to disagree or compromising, or keeping a status quo in hopes that better days or a better solution will arise. Which doubly sucks: first because neither of you gets what you want, and the caregiver gets to be the heavy—the responsible one. It also leads to painful states of seemingly perpetual limbo.
Over time, we as caregivers inevitably encounter this dilemma and either face it or run from it. And if it helps, we can offer a pat on the back and validate your sacrifice and acknowledge that it makes life hard, since we’ve shared similar, but different experiences. Unfortunately it’s the cost of those “eggs” that sometimes in our jaded states, we feel goes without saying. Paradoxically, I realized I’d learned this lesson from my therapist when I quit therapy. I didn’t need her “eggs” to remind me of this anymore.