Nice to meet you all. I’m in distress and I would like to talk with people that might understand the situation better. I tried with family and friends but they don’t know much about mental illness and they don’t know the whole picture, so their oprion is biased
I have a relationship with a schizofrenic. He told me almost at the very beginning of the relationship, but he appeared quite normal to me so I thought the relationship might continue. He also was living on a pension for schizofrenia provided by his state B.
We are both Europeans from two different european countries ( I will call mine A and his B), we met in a third european country (C) where I was working. I met him while he was taking a job training but he was struggling finding an accomodation (which I believed as it was indeed very difficult) but when the training ended he left the job after few weeks saying he wasn’t able to do it.
Then one day after more or less 1 month and a half we knew each other he decided to leave heading to a 4th country ( which we will call D) because according to him accomodation was cheaper ( but still vacation rentals though…) so he left telling me we had a bond now and we would have met again soon. I was quite puzzled by this behaviour and I thought it was an excuse and he would have never come back and I would have not heard from him anymore. But unexpectedly he came back to visit and then went to his country (B).
Again I thought he would have not come back but in the end he decided to move again to country C to be able to be close to me. He found another job and an accomodation and when a room in the apartment I was living in got free since he had to leave his, he came to live with me ( also he asked if we shouldn’t move in together in our own place). Everything went well for some months untill there was an issue with the owner of the house and also he got into an accident on the bike. At this point he left the job and wanted to leave. He told me stuff like that I was not in good shape and behaving like an automa and I was brainwashed ( because I was going to work everyday), but then he asked me to go with him saying we could have done better things (work related)and since I was having troubles at the workplace and I was already thinking of leaving one day ( i worked there for 4 years) I decided to go.
So we had to pack in 2 days and we left for his country B where he got a cheap studio for us. But he got angry at me because, because of me living with him, the pension amount was reduced a little bit… So he declared that I left ( but I was still there)…Anyway after 3 months he decided to leave this place because the neightbour was making noises to go to his mom’s place for the summer since she was going on vacation and I went with him. During these 3 months I tried to apply for jobs but since I was not native no one wanted me also my language skills were pretty basics. So I applied randomly to other job offers also in other countries and I was called by one in another country called E. He applied also for another job in another country F and actually we both got the job. But since mine was better and since it was more sure that I would have kept on working we decided to move to country E.
This because his mom’s place was very secluded and no one was looking for altermative accomodations and she wanted us out by the end of summer. In country E I rented a place for us and I went to work, everything was more or less fine untill covid arrived. His pension was cut and I had to sustain most of the expenses myself while he was getting angrier and sadder by the minute…at some point when they reopened the borders for the following summer he wanted to leave from country E to go back to country B for his pension but then he changed his mind. At the end of that summer I lost my job in country E and I didn’t know what to do next as I was still paying the rent and expenses. I tried to suggest he could look for a job there too and I was looking for jobs anywhere (except from country C where we were before because afterall we left for a reson…)I also tried in my country A and so on but I was unsuccessful…him instead applied without telling me to country C and he received a job offer and left after 3 days leaving me there. It was december by then.
I could not follow immediately because I had to take care of the apartment, give it back and I had a notice to give. Also it was almost christmas and they were starting to close the borders again.When I heard that I had to try to speed up the process…I asked the landlord if I could leave without too much notice, but he still had to come and check the apartment but it was sick…then to travel I had to have a covid test and they were starting to cancel transportation again. It took me a while and with a lot of difficulties I managed to reach country A and then again the borders were closed. in the meantime I tried to look for a job in country C to be able to reach him and I managed, in january I was able to go there, but it was not simple…because while I was doing it he left his job he just got and wanted to go to south or to country D… in the end I managed to convince him to stay in country C for a while since I got the job.
We stayed some months in a place and then I rented an apartment for 1 year. Obviously I was paying the rent ( that was almost all my salary) and he was helping with food since his pension came back for few months then it needed to be renewed ( but he was complaining about that) and after a bit he became very sad, kept saying he was stucked and sometimes he was mean. I didn’t know what to do also covid was over by then and soon the rent contract would have expired and the rent prices would have skyrocketed again…luckily I received a proposal from my family to go to an apartment that was my granma’s in country A.
So I told him about this possibility and that we could have gone there after some restoration. I was very relieved. But then a lady from downstairs came to tell us not to make noise ( we heard the same noise too and we were not doing it) but she was sure it was us so there was a fight… this led him so I don’t know what a psychotic attack…he wanted to go to country B and started to say unrealistic things like he would have travelled untill there by bike and buy a land and put a tent…he broke everything he owned except few things and he left telling me we would have reunited after we did our things. I didn’t know what to say, I tried to stop him but there was no way and he left. I couldn’t do much that going to country A to this place and start to restore it.
On his side he travelled by bike for a few days then the problem started since he had no money and started to tell me I was a scam and to not contact him anymore. He was very rude and didn’t want to talk to me anymore and at some point he went to a hospital in country C. Then after some days he decided to go to country B at his mom’s…and contacted me back saying he was sorry…and then started wandering around a city in country B without money or a place to stay…some time he was at a friends’ house but many times I had to help him untill he went back to his brother’s first and then hismom’s as she was away again untill she came back and he wanted it out.
Unfortunately my restoration works were going slow…and some months passed this way. luckily when he left his mom’s I was ready and I told him to come here in country A. In my opinion this was the final solution as I didn’t have to pay a rent and I could find a job. Happy ending? NO. During the previous months he got a different pension that was much lower and wasn’t able to get the other one…he stayed a bit at my place then he left several times…once he got a job in country B saying that then he would have found a place for us but since he could not find a place he left the job after 1 week…then he went to an homeless shelter tried to get help from his mom again…in the end he decided to come back here.
He left other times to continue with the request but just few days and he was coming back but he was always sad and angry against me. He considered this place a deadend ( I don’t know why, he said that here he could not find a job, but he never wanted to work, infact he wanted the pension so…? nonsense) and told me bad things like he didn’t want to spend his life with me and other bad things and he said he wanted his pension back. I told him very calmly that I was happy to be together but if he wanted that so badly he could go, he was not a prisoner. So he left in june for country B badly telling me very confusing things and I was not even sure if he left me forever or not. he went to stay in camping with very little money but he was still talking to me. one day he was telling me he was going to a city to jump because he wanted to die.
I was very alarmed I called the police and his mom no one wanted to do anything. in the end he want to a hospital talked to her mother that sent some money but the wire was not immediate and he was with no place… so I had to help him financially to cover those days. Then for a month he was able to live in a place but he was talking only about death. After that time he had again no where to go. His mother refused to help I had to help him again as much as I could.
He came back here in august, he was supposed to stay one month but he made a mess with the neighbors and stayed only one day…he went back to country B in the hospital. Then he decided to stayin the streets since it was summer but I still had to help him. It was a nightmare for him but also for me as I was always scared he could have done something stupid. Sometimes he told me that if he got back the pension he would have gone in country J a couple of months and then die, with no consideration of me whatsover. And once he told me he applied for a job in country D while he told me he could not come here because it was “abroad”…but also country D is “abroad”).
In the end he got back the pension in november…and in december got a social housing. we met in november some days in country B and then came here in january for some days to get his things. Why did I write all of this? Because he told me very often that we would have find a solution to be together while I knew that if he wold have continued this path it would have been difficult. After he got the house he realized that and I only get an “i don’t know” as an answer. When he came here in january I waited for him to talk about the situation and he suggested a solution but it’s unclear if he will try it, when and so on.
So I started to think that he broke up with be without telling me waiting for me to get tired of the situation. I asked this directly he said that is not like this. I am under great emotional distress and my mind sometimes becomes paraoid…as this was all a scheme and i’ve been abandoned and that I helped him financially to basically be able to be far from me. I am also ashamed my mind suggests me that considering his mental condition. I am unable to understand what is caused by the mental condition and what is part of his personality. I am afraid that he will never find a solution. While before I always tried to find a way as you could read, this time I don’t know where to start, it’s very difficult to me to go in country B and also he didn’t ask it.
Since he’s the only reason I would move to country B if I don’t have a feedback from his side I will not start the process. I tried to write a letter to him explaining all these feelings and asking in which direction is better that I move… but as a reply I only got that he wished it was easier and we could stay together and he doesn’t have a satisfying answer. I saw him putting a lot of effort to get this pension back, but I don’t see any real effort in regards of the future of our relationship. Could you please advise about this situation and his behaviour? what do you think? is it because of schizofrenia? what should I do? While before I didn’t I regret sometimes to have left country C in the first place if this was the outcome.