Family and Caregiver Schizophrenia Discussion Forum

Trying my best to understandl


#1

Hello may I start with how much I love how the members in this forum are all so helpful and seem genuinely caring about the struggles that others are going through…
I’m the partner of a paranoid delusional sz and I have been on this forum previously when having a difficult time in our relationship and once again are in a hard spot so thought I’d come back just for some kind advice and a little support. We have been together for just over 2 years we have a beautiful son together and have another on the way. We tend to have a fun loving relationship majority of the time but seem to come to a head at times and things become very hard for me to continue to understand that he can’t help being insensitive or self absorbed at times and not to take what he says at times to heart. he tends to say things that I find nasty but I think sometimes I may take what he says in a different way then he actually means how do others deal with this confusion so as it doesn’t become an issue? I mean I’ve read and read and had talks with him about how he thinks and feels as we are very open like that but it’s really hard for me at times to be able to just brush it off and when I cant I notice that me withdrawing into myself because I’m hurt aggravates his paranoia and then instead of him asking what’s wrong so I can tell him his hurt my feelings he takes it as I’m up too no good and I’ve been cheating even when I’ve been by his side the whole time wether I’m sneaking out of the house while his asleep or sneaking outside to have a smoke and meeting in the yard with someone to have them jump the fence if he comes out. It’s becoming a problem for me Im not my happy self as of late and I feel weighed down a lot of the time and don’t know what to say or how to be supportive and understanding in a way that balances out for both of us, I mean I know I’m not fully at fault but I’m kind of thinking maybe there are things I need to change about how I communicate and how I comprehend what his saying to make life happier for all of us.im hoping there are a few out there that would be willing to share some insight about this kind of issue so I can get a different point of view and would be more then happy to share more of the story with anyone who’s interested. As I said I have read a lot about sz but it’s not the same as talking to people that have been there and done that and I’m hoping hearing from both partners of people with sz as well as those living with it themselves will give me a better understanding of where I may be going wrong… Thanks for reading


#2

I am not in a marriage with someone with sz, it’s my son who has it. But I found that absolutely the best thing to do when he said nasty things was to keep completely silent. Don’t communicate about nasty comments and paranoid delusions. I found that often stopped them dead and I even got fairly rapid apologies. The other thing is to look for patterns. I found that my son regularly ranted at me in the last two hours before his medication was due. After he had taken it, I pointed out the pattern and told him that if he didn’t want to increase the dose, he would need to find something calming to do in those two hours. But I was only able to spot the pattern because I didn’t engage with his negative feelings, which had no basis anyway. From what you are saying, I think you may have a similar thing going on. Hope that helps. (My son increased his dose and it stopped, BTW)


#3

You need to remember that it is his illness talking and not him. It would help for you to detach as much as you can but still love him. Maybe you could go to some kind of marital counseling where you can explain in a nonthreatening way that your husband sometimes hurts your feelings. Maybe adjustments can be made in his med’s. The important thing is for you to keep your own sanity, and you can do that best if you detach with love.


#4

I think also you need to spend some time with other people too, family and friends. That will help a lot.


#5

@BarbieBF could you please put the LEAP links and all those other goodies up here? You’re (at least to me) our sz to family communications super hero. I don’t know if you have all of those saved on a word document or what. I do invision you wearing a mask and a cape with a B intertwined with an F whenever you jump on these with those links. :blush:


#6

I do something a little different than the rest of you, just to throw it out there. When my daughter speaks to me aggressively-I call her on it. Every-single-time.

Does your BF work? Does he interact with people other than your immediate family? If so, does he say mean things to co-workers, bosses, extended family members, grocery stores clerks, doctors? Because if he does not say mean things to them-that means he can control it. And if he can control it you should not bear the brunt of aggressive and mean behavior just because you will tolerate it. He can control it with you too.

The way I figure it with my daughter, if I want her to have all the meaningful things in life I think she deserves I have to help teach her to navigate social relationships. And she will never be able to keep friends, a boyfriend or husband, be a good mother, keep a job-if she can’t learn how to communicate appropriately with people.

I do NOT get emotional-I don’t get angry, or withdrawn, or scared-I just call her on it with same emotions I’d use to comment on the weather. I matter-of-factly tell her I don’t deserve that treatment-I don’t treat her that way, and it’s okay to be upset but it’s not okay to treat me poorly when she is upset. Then I ask her what might help her feel more calm, less angry, whatever.

She has gotten 1000x better at dealing with frustration since I have started doing this (although she still has her blowups). I would have said, when I started that she simply wasn’t capable of it because if her illness. But she is. The only reason I know that is because I expected it from her. When she can calm herself down, she can do a lot of things better-she can think through solutions to problems she was too emotional to handle by herself before.

I don’t know if you think it would work for you-but this has made both our lives much better.


#7

Thank you all for your advice it’s much appreciated
My partner isn’t medicated at present his


#8

Sorry… He was hospitalised the last time roughly 3 yrs ago and recently went to mental health because he had had enough of not being able to sleep and seeing things that he knows aren’t real but they kind of told him they don’t think its sz that his previous episodes were drug induced and his current symptoms were more anxiety related which we both know is stupidity we left with him saying they clearly don’t care or don’t know what they were talking about so medication just now seems to be out of reach but one thing I have realised from the comments made is that I don’t tell him outright that his offended me and maybe I should try that approach instead of just with drawing hoping he’ll put 2 and 2 together that that’s whats has happened so once again many thanks


#9

Welcome back @Boggled

Using LEAP may help:

Please look at these sites:
http://www.leapinstitute.org/ - under resources are free videos on using LEAP
LEAP is a way of communicating to build trust. Listen-Empathize-Agree-Partner.

http://dramador.com/ - Dr. Xavier Amador is a clinical psychologist whose brother had schizophrenia. He is the founder of the LEAP Institute. Wrote the book: I’m Not Sick I Don’t Need Help! Can buy from his website.
Search Xavier Amador and LEAP on youtube.com and you should find some long videos

http://www.treatmentadvocacycenter.org/index.php - under problems you will see anosognosia
Anosognosia looks like denial but is different.

http://lesswrong.com/lw/e25/bayes_for_schizophrenics_reasoning_in_delusional/ - helped my understand delusions

It’s hard to enforce boundaries and find a balance between understanding that the way someone is acting is from symptoms while also insisting that you be treated with respect. Personally I don’t believe that in loving someone with SZ that I should allow myself to be treated with any less respect than anyone else. I found it somewhat eye opening to watch my son do dishes for a neighbor for a couple of smokes while at home he did nothing… Same when he was inpatient and talked to nurses etc without swearing yet swore at me. Yes symptoms have to be looked at but he if was able to control himself in other situations then he was capable of controlling himself around me. Of course when he was in full blown psychosis then these boundaries tend to slip and that is ok.

I’m not sure that there is much that you can do to stop your BF from feeling paranoid about you cheating on him etc as really the feelings are internal and have little do with your actions. You could stay by his side 24/7 and never talk to anyone and in reality he would still think what he does because it’s his SZ or paranoia that is causing it, not you. These things are believed based on confabulations… Not lies but the ability to only see if something is probable, not if it’s actually true based on facts. I forget the exact quote I read once but it’s something like this: Assume that reality is such that my mental states are justified. In other words. Because I feel so strongly about something then it must be true. Almost all articles etc state that you cannot argue with a delusion so sometimes the only thing that you can do is not participate and walk away. Yes it’s hard to put your own feelings on the back burner. Sometimes I allowed myself to get drawn into pointless arguments with my son or let my emotions rule… never a good thing. Usually walking away was the best approach and a lot of the times, once he calmed down, my son would come back and apologize or come back talking to me normal about something else like it didn’t happen. I constantly told my son. I love you however I refuse to be treated or talked to in that way. Talk to me with respect or don’t talk to me.

How is your son doing?


#10

Thank you @onceapoet. :blush:


#11

schizophrenia is an illness that robs the person of their autonomy. Your mind is elsewhere, through no fault of their own. Please boggles have patience with your partner. Be forgiving and understanding.


#12

I think you should tell him, but not necessarily on the spot. Pick your moment. Don’t say anything when he’s in the grip of fear, paranoia or anxiety. He won’t be able to process it or respond well. Speak about the damage to your feelings when you are both calm.


#13

Karl thank you for your advice and although it’s hard at times I am trying to understand and be forgiving as I know we love each other and I do realise that people say and do things they don’t mean with out the sz it just becomes a little difficult not to take it personally at times is all
And your most likely right about picking a good time Hatty to discuss how I feel about a situation so thank you for pointing it out sometimes when you start getting caught up with the fact that someone has said or done something that’s offended or hurt you it’s hard not to run with the emotions and react in a way you regret later especially when the other person won’t acknowledged they have said or done something wrong so thank you to you aswell
And hi barbie you always seem to give the best advice thank you for taking the time to share your insight with me again , our son is doing pretty good he misses his daddy as his just began working away to help his dad till just before Christmas which is sad because his missing a lot of his son doing things for the first time which causes a mix of emotions for my partner I think but it is good at the same time as his feeling like his accomplishing something more then waking up sleeping eating and watching movies all day and night so that’s really a positive but I think it’s also causing him a lot of stress that he causes him self then puts on me and I’m pregnant so I think my own emotional state amplifies that and has made it a very trying time for me
I don’t know if you’d remember but I had a few conversations with you a few months ago as he wasn’t living at home he was running away and getting himself caught up with the wrong people and doing and saying things rather out of character for how id known him, I’d just like to say it was a tough time back then but things have improved he returned and we were doing really well for sometime and we are doing ok for now just having a hard time myself with things how they are,I really hope you remember as some of the things you said really helped me back then your truely an amazing person so thank you for helping and supporting everyone that comes on here I don’t think you could comprehend the positive impact you give to most


#14

Yes, I think I remember you from before. I’m glad that he came back and things have improved. I can only imagine how hard and emotional this can be for you right now dealing with your own pregnancy as well. Sometimes we are stronger then we know. Is he staying away from the wrong people now? If he is it is hopefully helping to keep him more stable.

Thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot. :purple_heart:


#15

When someone have a son suffering from the schizophrenia
There are many questions has been located in his mind about
the current state of his son and the abstruse future that waiting him

He ask the question about his son;
1-Is he cured from his disease,after a while of taking medication ?
2-If not,is he remain suffering from that disease for his lifetime ?
3-If yes,is means that he needs to all current means of care for lifetime ?

4-Is he able to succeed in his studies ?
5-Is he able to rely on himself to get a job to live on during his lifetime ?
6-Is he capable of marriage and procreation ?
7-Is he able to bear the responsibility of himself and his family member
if he has in the future ?
8-Do in one day,get rid from all his problem,and exhibits
in the social life as any one ?..etc

We know that, the father do not expected these suddenly events to his son
the question;
how can the father/mother help the son to overcome this ordeal ?
TO DEAL WITH YOUR SON correctly
1-you should have knowledgeable about the nature of THINGS,
which have arisen /epitomized /emanated /have grown /
have created/ have emitted inside himself
2- you should know the internal scenarios of events that
take place" most of waking time" inside his mind,which
has been occurred by influence of these THINGS,
which make him act and behave as you see !

Must first,you should investigate the real facts about the nature
of these THINGS and know the type of events course

Do not give any significance at all to know any THING else


#16

Yes those are questions that as a parent we ask ourselves and try to get the answers too.


#17

Yes Barbie he has!! I’m glad he came back too, I had times of doubt if I could keep doing this back then and I’m glad I did it was rough but worth being patient and things turned out for the better, i feel like I’m one of the lucky ones because from the bad experiences we have gotten closer during the calm and I in a way owe that to this site being able to talk to others and see what others have wrote about their thoughts and feelings helps make so much sense out of what I’m going through more so then any text book ever has


#18

Do not forget that,these questions and many different more has been
emitted in the mind of the sufferer

-tirelessly,all time of day,there are a huge of questions has been
emitted in the mind of sufferer,about the internal phenomena and
events and its relation with the events that occur in the surrounding
world
Thus,he stays most period of time seeking { tirelessly} to find answers

=if he finds correct answers,he lives his life normally and overcome
the most problems in the existence of sz and its symptoms
=if not,he will farewell the rational life …etc

so that,what the questions, what is the correct answers,
what is bad effects of the wrong answers on his mental behavior ,
and what is the possible sources to obtaining the answers ???

you should be aware that,he can live his live while sz coexistence with him , wherever he can act and behave normally as all others people "non-Sz ",as if sz does not existed inside him,but
he should have correctly answers about all questions that be located in his mind


#19

Believe or not believe
all answers are optional,wherever you can select the answer as you want,
and be seek to achieve it ,and you will find it in the ending !!
for example
-if you want to deal with sz as a genetic disease,
-so your son takes the medication day by day forever,
-there is no hope from the recovery from the genetic disease
-thus,your son has depend on the medication without doing
anything to confrontation the sz problems and overcome them

-but,if you want to deal with sz as a condition like to be
a genetic state “not real genetic disease”,
we ment,you can reject it or accept it
-so,your son can take suitable medication for a while of time
{one month,3 months/6 months or year }, or to the time that
he can act and behave compatible
-stop depending on the medication,and let him focus his
attention and behaviors toward
exercise the social life with otherness ,study,working…etc
-day by day,month after month,year by year ,he learning
to do the positive interaction with daily life events
-push him to make him take his luck of the life like any others
LET him spend his time in social life,job life,studying life
instead to loss the time in the imaginations

you should know that,in all options,the person must be
live his life while the sz and its {internal} symptoms existed !