Hi all, I’m 26 and I have been living thru this hell since last year and more recently at the end of last year my brother has moved back in with us. I have tried my best for the last several months to deal with this the best I can, I have been the one to get my parents to attended family to family NAMI meetings after I went, etc. I have educated them that the last thing he needs is to be drinking etc. thankfully the NAMI meetings have helped educate them but I am struggling as someone who cannot afford to move out. I had worked two jobs and couldn’t and now I finally am going back to school and definitely can’t now. I am never home because I work so much, which is probably for the best because I get so easily overstimulated and my brother bangs around and laughs to himself in his room all day long. I really try so hard to remember how difficult it must be for him but I can only take so much. I sleep with ear plugs in. I listen to asmr over the earplugs. But he bangs around in the room BELOW me and idek what he is doing in there but it wakes me up! Like the vibration! I get startled awake and can’t enjoy even being in my own house. Not to mention, my parents don’t really spend time in the rest of the house anymore as much as they used to because I’m pretty sure it makes them sad as well as they don’t want to listen to him. But we do talk mostly in the kitchen during meals or when cooking and that’s not even often - because again I am not home a lot. And he will shush me. I try to not let it get to me but as someone who needs to talk to my parents and socialize and decompress after work it does!! And I know what he hears in his head is probably a lot and then my voice on top of it doesn’t help but he expects me to go in my room and live up there pretty much. He yelled at me earlier today to shush and I tried to politely tell him no, I live here too. I need to be able to talk down here. He replied back to me “I literally never say anything to you just SHUT up and got upstairs and talk there.” I DONT WANT TO. I want to live in my own fucking house! I really try to keep a clear head and I don’t argue with him ever because I always just feel too bad for him to put my foot down and I’m sensitive so I don’t like when he yells back. And then I get upset that he is not the brother I know anymore. But I can’t live like this!! My parents tell him that we need to live too and he takes it better but when they aren’t home he really is mean to me if I annoy him. He refuses medication, says there is nothing wrong, and slams around. He Will ask my parents for alcohol and they say no, more slamming of the door. I jump. Rinse and repeat. This is hell. And I finally got into a really competitive program and will be going back to school and I’m so happy about it but I don’t know how I am going to study or focus. I am so burnt out with all of this. How do you guys do it? I feel so bad for my parents. They are near retirement age…didn’t think this was going to happen. On the same note, I feel so guilty thinking this…but I do not want to be responsible for him. I am just starting to live my life. I do not want to provide for him when they are gone one day. He hasn’t worked in a while now. My family tried to tell me that I need anxiety/antidepressants but it’s easier for them to control me. I don’t see how taking any of those is going to help me not jolt awake in the night or not get yelled at.
I guess I just need some tips or someone to relate to.
I have started re-watching the Nanny before bed for the first time in a while. I love that show. Fran’s laugh drowns out the noise. That’s the only light in my life at the moment.
Save yourself! Go to Alanon- that’s what I’ve done- I won’t let my son live with us and destroy our lives too-this is just too much for anyone to expect to live with- somehow you need to move out- he’s not your responsibility- he’s an adult- he may be sick but he doesn’t know it and no one can make him take meds- as hard as it has been to let go if I didn’t I would be dragged- we didn’t cause it, can’t control it, can’t cure it- I hope you find a way out- you are not responsible for your family members. You are only responsible for yourself.
I wish I could. The housing crisis is so bad where I live I can’t afford to. And to clarify I don’t ever really drink, he was the one who begs them for alcohol. I think you mentioned Al anonymous in your comment - wasn’t sure if you thought it was me drinking. I made an edit to clarify it’s him that wants it. Unless you meant something else entirely. But I get what you mean. I’m starting to view it like that. I didn’t cause it. I can’t fix it. Part of me feels like that is giving up and I feel guilty but I am burnt out. Thank you for you words.
I never lived with my younger schizophrenic brother. I spent a few nights at my parent’s house while he lived there and after that I knew there was no way I could ever live with him.
I was going to school and working when I was a young adult. Later on I was working full time at demanding jobs. Billy’s antics were so disruptive in every way possible. Forget about sleep. Forget about getting in the bathroom in the morning before work. Forget about having a nice, clean house. Forget about having any kind of life or having any stress free time.
Billy would do stuff like put on his Marine boots (yes he was a Marine for a week; thankfully they had enough sense to never give him a gun!) and march up and down the hallway (REALLY LOUD) while repeating Nazi slogans. This would go on all night and he would not stop when I asked him.
So I don’t know how you could live with your brother and work without going crazy yourself. Get your brother a housing voucher (Section 8 or whatever), social security, and SNAP. Get him in group housing if you can and be ready for when he gets kicked out (if he’s anything like Billy he won’t last long).
Is there a compelling reason for you to allow him to ruin your life? Because he will I guarantee it.
Sibling here ,
I’m sorry you are going through this right now ,
This illness is incredibly hard for all involved!
I understand housing is outrageous, if you haven’t already I would suggest talking to school about housing options explain your situation and consider roommates . I’m glad you found NAMI as a resource
Your school probably has free mental health resources for yourself as well.
While your still at home maybe you could try a sound machine for sleeping at night ,
I can completely relate to home not feeling like home ,
And wondering what will happen when your parents are not around .
Maybe you can talk with your parents about applying for disability benefits for your brother he most likely is unable to hold a job now and who knows when he will become more stable , this would cover his health insurance and a source of income .
Mom and Dad could look into setting up a special needs trust /will
NAMI will have information on this .
Grieving the relationship you had with sibling is very common. I feel like I’ve lost my sibling over and over again my sibling started having psychotic breaks at around 16yrs old and and would have long periods of being mostly ok the last 12 yrs he’s in his 40’s now have been really Hard after our mom passed 6yrs ago he has had such a decline and is unmedicated, lives alone in my Dad’s house my Dad actually had to move out and live with a friend
Because my siblings behavior is so disruptive and it’s extremely hard to find housing for him otherwise.
I really wish my parents would have been able to set a trust for my sibling, the worry about what will happen when my dad passes, I will not be able to afford to keep my sibling housed and he refuses anything I can try to help with like getting him on housing lists so he could start to try independently living .
He has some decent days and can drive , cook , and shop.
But the state of the house is hoarded and dirty he also is very paranoid a lot has severe PTSD
I wish you and your family strength during this journey
Thank you for sharing here
When i was in college i often would go to a coffee shop and buy a small item just to be in a comfortable quiet place to study for an hour, so i would offer the advice to take breaks from the bedlam. Often my son wakes me up abruptly in the middle of the night, sometimes i yell at him to shut up but if it stops i just go back to sleep, but its bad when im shocked awake from a deep sleep to a scream, it scares the hell out of someone and the heart starts racing. Breathing excercises like meditation have become my friend so LEARN MEDITATIVE BREATHING, it can really help. I also try to teach my SZ the breathing techniques as it can really help them too. Repetition is the key; to keep telling them about it and inviting them to try it with the hope that one day they will want some relief so bad that they have it in thier head from our (your)example and start using it. Distracting them with a reward of something they like is also a technique; for example they may be spun up about something and i make a homemade pizza, i had to learn how to make the dough but its pretty easy. SZ eat too much and long term overfeeding them isnt good, but it does seen to quiet them some. It is easier as an old parent for me to do this because ive been caring for my two kitds (his sister is grown and on her own) for so long, than a young person such as yourself, but i think it could be useful. Another thing is to SET a LIMIT and fight back, this is dangerous as escalating yelling can turn to violence quickly, but over the years say NO to a clear line can get through to them in some areas and they will learn to not cross some lines unless its a particular psychotic delusion directing them; the psychotic delusions are very syron beliefs for them. I have no alchol or weed or drugs in the house, although it took years to get my SZ to voluntarily quit the medical MJ; alcohol is a really bad ingredient to have in your house. I hope this helps, you are not alone, never give up hope for you or your brother. I plan on trying to feed my SZ a ketogenic diet when he gets out of jail and see if that helps.
This is very much where I’m at now. I feel like the last time I saw my brother was when I came home from college for a week. That was probably in 1978.
I don’t grieve his death. I grieve the tragic life he lived. I grieve the decades of pain and disappointment he brought my parents. I have some really old pictures on the wall of family (1960s-1970s) where Billy is the impish little kid. Yeah he was a little “off” but we all hoped he’d grow out of it. Instead he grew up to be ersatz Charles Manson.
Hello. I’m sorry you are dealing with this. I’m a sibling as well and went through this years ago with my older brother.
On a practical level, your earplugs are a good idea. Also get some noise-cancelling headphones. They don’t have to be the bluetooth ones, either. Just industrial-type sound blockers. For the vibrations, and I’m grasping at straws here, but you might try ordering from Amazon some egg crate bed foam material. Don’t know if you have delivery where you are. It’s soft and thick. Maybe put it on your floor, or just cuddle yourself in your own bed if it makes you feel better. It comes in a roll and you put it on top like a mattress topper.
You could also try this: Practice nodding and “showing agreement” with your brother when the arguments start, even though you don’t agree and are probably freaked out by what he’s saying. It’ll feel fake but it will save you the cortisol surge of getting into a fight with him, and it’s those stress hormones that will wear you out if you don’t pay attention.
I just want to grab you and pull you out of that house. It’s a huge burden for a 26-year-old to endure.
Please get yourself to the library or other safe places as often as you can, as IansDad suggested.
Dr Xavier Amador has quit a few video’s on how to deal with SZ. I found them helpful. Specifically learning his LEAP method and about Anosognosia are helpful. I found it really increases MY Resiliance to the bedlam by getting a little educated watching his videos. Specifically i dont feel as frustrated when at often times i cant get through to him what i know is right because i understand that ANOSOGNOSIA is a characteristic of SZ, and they DONT KNOW THEY ARE SICK. This is one of the most difficult parts of dealing with our SZ loved ones. Often i just have to let stuff go and know not to engage in trying to tell a SZ that “the inside messages they know are true” are not. I just try to make a judgement if it is dangerous or not. Building up trust with your SZ is critical in the long term treatment. Without them having some trust in you because they know you love them they will drift farther away from reality and treatment. I also recommend watching Dr Chris Palmer as there is hope with a dietary treatments.