I’m find myself needing to have some serious conversations with my sibling , I’m just not sure how to approach them at this time .
We lost our Dad at the beginning of the month my sibling has been living at my Dad’s home for most of his life despite a few brief years when he was with me or roommates , hospitalized or jail.
He has been in my Dad’s home for over a year by himself because his behavior was so erratic ( self medicated schizoaffective disorder and ptsd)my dad had to move out.
I saw him for the 1st time in 6yrs since my mom had passed when I went to care for my dad .
I was surprised at the constant talking he would talk into his phone or while sitting in front of the Bible going over things from the past almost constant. The times he was jailed or hospitalized. This was something I had never witnessed with his disease in the past. My Dad named me as executor of his estate .
And I’m considering declining, I don’t think I can afford the lawyers, I’m in another state , I don’t have enough time to properly address the estate which is just a house and one vehicle.
The state of the house would make it difficult to get what’s it’s worth and my sibling lives there in a pretty hoarded state his desire is to stay there but I will not be able to cosign for him.
He would be able to afford the current mortgage but nothing else heat electric food and I don’t even know if he could just be transferred to that same mortgage or if it would go up .
So there’s a lot I need to talk to him about but he’s mostly all over the place.
IDK, try the direct approach? If he realizes something important like he’s in danger of losing his housing because he can’t afford it, that seems like it would grab his attention. How lucid is he? Does he understand basic survival and that you might not be able to pay for his heat, electric and food? Does he take medication?
Right now he can cook for himself and basic things like this make some appointments if there was a working vehicle he can drive sometimes
It’s very hard to say it really changes throughout the day I think I I’m definitely going to try direct approach because I want him to be able to make the decisions for himself.
In the past he is ended up in crisis situations because of his actions and then I had been left to find him roommates or some type of housing situation which he constantly remembers and brings up.
He never has any accountability or awareness of why he ends up in the hospital or in jail unfortunately.
This time I really want him to have his own choices and of course keeping him housed is my major goal
Well unfortunately I just tried to have a short conversation with him about some possibilities and decisions we’d have to make which has sent him into a PTSD spiral
I read up on that. Does that happen often? How do you deal with that? You can’t talk to him about decisions and choices in life? I don’t want to pretend I know how to deal with something like PTSD. I hope you both end up alright.
It is very difficult to deal with basically when it gets heightened we have to stop the conversation so it’s very hard to accomplish things.
Usually he can just say I’m hanging up now he has been through a lot of programs throughout the years including anger management and I sometimes see the skills he learned in those classes coming to the front.
And of course he always says he uses his weed for PTSD .
I also need to hang up and take a break because it’s very emotionally draining and non-productive.
Unfortunately, your situation is probably playing out in multiple families every single day, year in and year out. There are no good answers or solutions to your questions and problems. Since there is a mortgage on the house, I seriously doubt the current mortgage will transfer to your brother. And, even if it does, as you said, he won’t be able to afford basic living expenses, so foreclosure would probably be in the near future. How much is the house worth and how much equity is there in the house? If there is considerable equity, since you are the executor, you could sell the house, and buy something less expensive or just find something reasonable to rent. Obviously, ownership is usually preferable, but in your situation, it may not be the best option. Are there any type of support systems or services in your area with group homes or something similar that he could live in? It’s a lot to deal with and think about, I don’t envy you. You have been put into a very difficult position. I am a Dad to a 29 year old son, who has schizophrenia, and who would self medicate if he had the chance to do so. He is currently on prescription medication and doing very well, but if he ever gets off his meds and starts to self medicate, bad things will happen. I worry about the day when I’m gone and who will care for him. I have other children, but I really don’t want to burden them with the responsibility. This is a huge problem in society that nobody wants to deal with and, until, the people in power decide to do something about it, nothing will change. I hope and pray you find a good solution to your problem. God bless you.
I’m glad your son is stable right now.
One thing I’m finding out about for future is if you’re able to set up a special needs trust for your son that does help to dictate someone what will happen after you pass.
If your son was disabled at 18 or younger he should also receive some of your social security which of course would help.
I’m still trying to figure out if there would be much equity in the house. At first my sibling was insistent that he get to stay there and of course keep all the possessions he is a hoarder. Unfortunately the home is in an HOA neighborhood and it’s almost been taken in the past because of the hoarding situation.
But just recently he seems to come around to wanting to move My Hope is that there might be enough equity that I could get him something he can afford and a working vehicle.
Hi, thank you for the tip on the special needs trust. I will definitely check into that. I hope you are able to find the best solution for your brother. God bless.
@trcanon0121 in addition to a special needs trust, you might also look into an ABLE account for your son. It’s a savings and/or investment option for people with disabilities and is exempt from the $2,000 individual resource limit for SSI. My son has scz and like yours, bad things have happened when he self-medicated. Fortunately he has been sober for seven years and he takes his prescribed meds. I try to work with him to gain skills that will help him when I’m no longer around.