MY FIRST POST: Things are bad with my schizophrenic brother

Family
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Hey,

I’ve been reading various posts on this site for a while, and I reckon it’s high time to post something here, particularly since I can use some support and advice.

My brother has had paranoid schizophrenia since his mid-teens, and it has gotten bad this past year-plus as every two weeks, despite taking his meds, he relapses; including now as I write this.

He paces throughout the house talking to himself, which makes me very uncomfortable, often loudly and angrily as the other day he was screaming about wanting to hurt whoever he was talking to in his head. He has also treated my mom & particularly me like crap as he has hit me, punched a hole in his bedroom door, and shaken my mom in the past;

Just recently, when I innocently asked him to throw something out for me, he gave me a complete attitude as he gets belligerent, argumentative, dictatorial, bullying, very unlikable, and mean during his episodes. There’s no reasoning with him as he always yells, “No, No!”, always thinks he’s right, and almost never lets me get a word in;

All this despite the fact that I have done SO much for him throughout his life, including buying about 90% of his groceries for the past five-plus years.

Yes, he has a form of anosognosia in that while he knows he has SZ, he thinks he can deal with it without any help as he doesn’t like/trust doctors.

And yes, mobile crisis teams have been called more than once to assess him, but since he hasn’t pulled any knives on me or mom or anything like that he’s not considered a danger and hasn’t been taken to the hospital

He also has major anxiety as I can count the number of times he’s left the house on roughly two fingers in the past 5 or 6 years.

Simply put, my brother’s SZ has made life hell for me. My mom repeatedly tells me to.ignore him, but due to my being on the autism spectrum (Asperger’s) and being VERY noise sensitive, that’s just impossible for me to do;

I go to various places to get away from him when his episodes/relapses manifest itself, but even though he can’t help such, I sometimes feel like his SZ is chasing me out of the house as I feel I shouldn’t have to do that.

Yes, I’m fully aware that his episodes/relapses are something he can’t help as it’s part of his symptoms, but it’s at the point where the only time I feel comfortable in the house is when he’s in his room asleep with the door closed.

All of this has been bad for my mental health and well being, as you can imagine, and combined with the fact that I have hypertension it has caused me quite a bit of worry that my physical health may suffer.

It has also exacerbated my chronic depression in that I have called 988 and my hospital’s mental health hotline to essentially ward off suicidal thoughts, including this past Christmas Day.

Because of all of this, I ultimately and eventually want to cut my brother out of my life, for the sake of my mental (& physical) health and well-being.

However, as I’m on Disability due to my being on the autism spectrum and my depression and don’t get nearly enough :heavy_dollar_sign::heavy_dollar_sign::heavy_dollar_sign: to be able to afford my own place, particularly in the area where I live as housing is VERY expensive,

I’m pretty much stuck in this situation, which aggravated my depression and has rendered me as just plain unhappy.

Sorry this is so long, I just needed to vent.

And ask if anyone has any suggestions as to how better to deal with all of this and to avoid a complete nervous breakdown;

I’m all ears.

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I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now, I am also a sibling to a brother who has schizoaffective with symptoms starting in his teens we are both now in our 40s.

My brother’s symptoms have gotten a lot worse for about the last 7 years ever since my mom passed.

With what you’re going through right now it sounds like a really good time to turn in for a lot of self care if you’re able to make it to a nami family support meeting or a nami peer meeting for your depression through either nami.org or heypeers.com also has a lot of support meetings.

Sometimes when our loved ones are so out of control we have to focus on what we can control. Which would be taking care of ourselves I’m so sorry you’re not feeling comfortable in your home.

Are you or your mom able to talk with his physician or psychiatrist about what is happening even though he’s taking meds he seems to be going through psychosis ?

~ I’m wishing you strengthen Peace during this time

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You are not alone. So many of your descriptions sound just like what I was enduring up until my son went to jail a few weeks ago. I can count 15 holes he punched in walls. I learned to fix the drywall but I have a few thin doors I’m going to have to figure out how to cover up the damage. He’s hit me too. I wish I could tell you a cure. We were trying the keto thing but I think he needs it to be a high level of ketosis as around 0.7 didn’t stop the psychosis. I just want to say I know what your going through. I tell my self at least he isn’t dead and there’s a chance at the future. He tried to hang himself about 7 years ago, and the police came after him once with guns drawn, so there is a real chance that people with schizophrenia meet an early death. I’ve had him in some kind of treatment the whole time, and the professionals have always failed me. Maybe the risperidone was working better but I don’t know if that’s the case or he just got worse. Hang in there. I will say if he gets violent don’t try to discipline him and back away and give him space, even if you have to leave or apologize and be sympathetic when everything normal would call for righteous indignation. Fighting with them just seems to make the fight worse. It’s a terrible disease that is hurtful to the whole family. I pray for a cure.

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Your post is welcome here on the forum, @DHart, glad you jumped on in. So sorry about the situation prompting your post. Are there counseling or therapy resources available to you through private insurance or through public services? In my area there are support meetings for family members of people who are being treated by local government for behavioral health issues. They’ve been really helpful for me. And as @megmeg mentions, NAMI meetings and classes are a source of support, too. The NAMI folks can often be knowledgeable about services offered by local government and nonprofits to help family members of people with mental illness.

Regarding housing, your city/county may have low-income housing options in your area for people with disabilities. Perhaps there’s a local disability advocacy group that could provide info on housing, too.

Lastly, one thing I found beneficial during tough times was journaling. You’re a compelling writer, and it might be helpful to journal your thoughts and feelings. Take care.

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Other people suggested NAMI groups for you.

I know this sounds impossible but can you get your brother to attend some kind of support group? It seems that since he is not interacting with anyone else outside both you and your mom that he is concentrating all his anger and frustration on the only two targets available. it must be pretty intense to have an angry young male taking out all his problems on just you two.

I doubt he wants to attend a group but maybe you could coerce him or talk him into it. Maybe start in steps; first he could try a small online group. What people with mental illness often find out in groups is that it helps to have people in the same boat as them and other people can understand, to a degree, what he;s going through.

Maybe an online group, it doesn’t have to be a zoom meeting at first but maybe once he’s in a group, after awhile he can try a zoom meeting with the ultimate goal to attend one in person.

That’s probably asking too much for him in his condition but maybe the next best thing is having a some kind of mental health worker come and visit him. Like a counselor or a volunteer. I know in my area we have workers who will come to you house and talk to you informally even if it’s just for an hour. There’s specific organizations that do this.

Even for someone who is mentally healthy, it’s not good for them to stay in the house day after day and just relate to two people. For someone with a mental illness it’s even worse, no wonder he is displaying so many symptoms and relapsing, it’s also physically unhealthy to be cooped up in a house day after day without taking walks or exercising.

Something has to change in your household, whatever you guys are doing with him now is not working for anyone involved and nothing changes if nothing changes. Yeah, you should see if you can get some kind of mental health worker to visit him, who knows your brother may like the person and having another person he can talk to would take the pressure off you and your mom if even for a short while.

I’m sorry you have to go through what you’re going through and I’m not criticizing you but Dr. Phil always says, “You teach people how to treat you.” Your brother has got too used to treating you like crap. Whether you have any control over that I don’t know. I realize your brother is stubborn and is in really bad shape but he’s human and knows what he’s getting away with in regard to how he treats you and your mom.

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I would just add that using Dr Amador’s LEAP method of communication can make life more peaceful. While you feel your brother just has some anosognosia, using the LEAP method of communication constantly - and by constantly I mean with every communication written or spoken - can improve the situation a good deal.

LEAP conversations are respectful. Respectful, kind, conversations can disappear in daily family communications especially when there has been a long period of stressful living.

Conversing in LEAP will take a lot of practice, texting is easier at first because you get a moment to think about your reply. How long do you do use LEAP to communicate with your brother? The answer is forever.

Don’t worry that LEAP was created to help people agree to take meds, LEAP is much more important in and of itself. LEAP helps de-escalate emotional situations.

The book is “I’m Not Sick, I Don’t Need Help” by Dr Xavier Amador. Enter LEAP into this website’s search engine and you will find links to youtube videos.

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Hey, thanks for the kind thoughts.

I have therapists that I see, and as for NAMI, I’ve checked out their site, but it doesn’t 100% fit what I’m looking for right now.

As for low income housing, I did research online;

Section 8 sign ups are closed and have been closed for a long time in my area, and the rent is northward of $1500 even in the worst neighborhoods, so as I said, I’m stuck.

Again, thanks for the suggestions and kind thoughts, though.

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Unfortunately, you’re right;

It would be impossible and asking too much for my brother to agree to join any support group, including any online;

Plus it’s at the point where I don’t even want to talk to him as every time I try to, he gets dictatorial, loud, VERY argumentative, and just plain not nice and never lets me get a word in.

We’ve had mental health workers and crisis teams come and talk to him/assess him more than once, but as he’s not a danger to himself or anyone in the form of hurting himself or me or my mom, talking/assessment is all that happens as.we.have to wait until he does something physical or threatens to do such before he can be taken to the hospital and get the help he really needs.

I know it’s not healthy for him to stay in the house, but as his anxiety is about 150 on a scale of 1 to 10, there’s honestly nothing that can be done there IMO;

I tried to encourage him/talk him into walking around the perimeter of the junior college that’s next door to our house at night when no one’s there and he wouldn’t really have to worry about anyone seeing him, and he wouldn’t even do that.

As I’ve said, I’m through trying to talk to him unless it’s to find out what groceries he wants. TBH, I want to cut ties with him as being with him the way he is is bad for my mental health/well being; I have to take care of myself, and everything I’ve read about families of SZ says to do that.

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I’ve bought and read that LEAP book by Dr. Amador, and what he says is good.

However and unfortunately, to be perfectly honest I don’t think it would really work with my brother as IMO that method takes too long, he’s way too stubborn, and I just feel that I don’t have the time as I have mental issues of my own that I need to deal with. It would be too much for me and my mental psyche to do this LEAP method in a way that would be effective.

Sorry…

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I hope you can figure a way to take care of yourself. Maybe there is another relative you could live with to get your life away from your brother started. It does sound as though you are quite concerned for yourself with good reason. My older son lives with autism so I do understand how your environment is important to your mental health.

Unfortunately, as they teach at NAMI, helping your brother’s situation improve can take years of loving dedication. Maybe your mom would be willing to work the LEAP method to help your brother. I know it’s frustrating when a parent can’t afford to help both of their children.

Best wishes to all of you.

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Your brother sounds like my brother when he was first diagnosed at 19. Stubborn, abusive, loves to argue, impossible to live with. I sympathize with you.

If he’s being threatening and destructive, he could be dangerous. I hate to perpetuate the stereotype but you have to protect yourself. Stereotypes aside Billy stabbed my mother in one of his psychotic rages and the “crisis teams” (worthless) won’t do anything until it escalates to that level. Until then it’s 100% about his rights and 0% about your rights.

He must find housing away from you. If he’s anything like Billy he won’t last long in group housing but it’s a start. It gets him “in the system” and when he gets kicked out he may be involuntarily committed for a while, which will buy you some more peace.

Don’t feel bad because he will ruin YOUR life 100% guaranteed full stop if you let him. He will probably never “grow up” if he’s anything like Billy but the best thing you can do for him is to keep nudging him in that direction. Don’t feel bad because believe me he doesn’t feel the least bit bad about what he’s doing to you.

The way I look at it, after my experience, is you can choose to ruin your own life while he ruins his. I did just that and it sucks. Or, you can help him when you can, but help yourself first. Billy was a vampire and I let him suck the life out of me. Don’t repeat my mistake.

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Please don’t write off LEAP until you’ve read up and thought on it some more. Unless and until you find a way to disengage with him completely, having some tools at hand to manage a bad situation is as good as it might get for you. You may be pleasantly surprised. I find LEAP helps me manage my spouse, who has dementia, and has also taught me - a very impatient and easily riled up person - to better manage my own emotions. You can only really control yourself, but how you engage with others is also within your control.

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It sounds like there is no easy answer.
Your mother you says: “repeatedly tells me to ignore him, but due to my being on the autism spectrum (Asperger’s) and being VERY noise sensitive, that’s just impossible for me to do”
Question: Is your mother open to attending a NAMI family to family class with you? It appears that she’s dealing with your brother so that she really doesn’t have time or understanding to realize how difficult it is for you with Autism. She needs to take care of herself. How will that happen?

You stated: “Because of all of this, I ultimately and eventually want to cut my brother out of my life, for the sake of my mental (& physical) health and well-being.” It sounds like living some place else is not likely but what about learning more about Boundaries and how you can use them to take care of yourself? Example: When you scream and yell and shout angrily, I am going to my room until it is quieter out here. Then go to your bedroom (hopefully you have your own space) and put on some head phones to eliminate sound and listen to was quiet and peaceful music.

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I appreciate your reply.

However, to answer you…

  1. While I think she understands my autism and how difficult it is for me to ignore him, I also think that being that she ignores him, what works for her should work for me; her and I have gone over this multiple times, and TBH I don’t think she necessarily 100% understands what my ultimate needs are regarding this issue.
  2. I HAVE set boundaries with my brother, telling him that when I’m home and resting and decompressing from being out and about, to pace quietly and if he talks to himself, to do so in his room, which he said he would try but knowing him the way his SZ/SMI manifests itself, it will not always be successful. Plus I’ve pretty much stopped talking to him because of how argumentative, belligerent, and not nice he gets, which is bad for my mental health; There’s a clubhouse in the complex where we live that I go to when he relapses, but I still hope that he’s in his room and preferably asleep when I come home from that. It works, but it’s still very stressful and not good for my mental health being in the house with his condition in general.
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Hello DHART

I have been through exactly what you have. Targeted and chased out of the home by my brother through out my life ever since we were teenagers. Lived in fear of him for decades, it has consequences on every aspect of your life. You need to get away from him, he will sabotage your life, things will only get worse. Make a solid plan, you will probably find that being away from him will improve your mental health and inner strength so much and it will put your life on a better trajectory. Never trust him, he is paranoid and envious of you and see’s you as a threat, he will throw you under the bus.

The lack of support you have from your family in this situation says it all. I used to be told ‘stiff upper lip’ when my brother was smashing my door down in the middle of the night.

I am speaking from hindsight 30 years down the line from where you are now and wished I had made a plan to get out then and never go back. I got out three years ago after he threatened me with a wrench, my family didn’t seem to think this was an issue? It took me two years to stop jumping at every noise I heard in the night.

Make a long term, solid plan, see what help is available, house shares, even a refuge you are not in a safe environment. I used to get live in jobs to get away - nanny, farm work, personal assistant, housekeeper, hotel industry, horse groom. But, the jobs I went for were short term because I needed to get away as quickly as possible. So when it came to an end I was back there again.

Because the situation is so whirlwind and often having to leave with just the clothes I had on, I didn’t plan properly, but if you can make a proper plan with a long term live in job you will be ok and you can rebuild your life.

xxx

Your post has read

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Preach it. Nobody knows until they’ve experienced it. And then they think you’re exaggerating.

My brother has been deceased six years and I still have to take a pill every time the phone rings. Whether it was Billy calling, or the police, or the hospital, the phone was always bad news.

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Yes, there is no protection or acknowledgement. Even though the police were called to our home multiple times over the years due to violence and property damage not once did any one ask if I was ok or if I was safe, I certainly wasn’t.

Just to list a few of the crazy things I had to go through

Being constantly mocked, belittled, humiliated, called names - accused of things I didn’t do or having intensions I didn’t have or for copying him?

Being called a prostitute because I made a cup of tea in the kitchen at twilight with the curtains open…………..even though our house was isolated in the countryside.

Having my clothes, photographs and belongings stolen, cut up

Having my computers destroyed

Having my bedroom door smashed in night after night for years.

Being beaten up, followed, him hiding in a bush and throwing stones at me.

Being spat at in the face

Writing on my bedroom walls

Walking on egg shells

Constant vibe of intimidation

Being spied on when having a bath, yes, there was a hole in the bathroom ceiling, and he used to drop things through it at me. and then waiting to attack me when I came out of the bathroom and slamming the door in my face when I tried to get away.

It was like being plagued by a demon, I apologise to anyone that may take offence to that but this is what it was like for me.

Also you are in a kind of bewildered fog as nothing makes sense and these attacks come out of nowhere. It is very disorientating and you are trying to defend yourself against physical and verbal assault.

I am 100 per cent NO CONTACT now. My life is peaceful, no more drama.

No, no one who hasn’t been through it understands or even wants to try and understand. I wish there was more protection for siblings that have this kind of home life.

I hope you can put Billy behind you and live a worthy life - we bore our cross for long enough, we are allowed to be free from abuse xxx

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DHart, Blackberry, Eddie 1, firstly thank you for being here and open. It’s been a while since I’ve posted, because of the trauma of reading the stories. Eddie1 thank you for still helping put things in perspective for us as we are still struggling. I had to cut my family member off in Dec finding out he was getting 1000’s from me unnecessarily and threatening me all along the way. I was a wreck! Im so sorry everyone is going through so much in so many different ways. Seeking advice from a counselor was very helpful until he became very ill himself, and I had to stop the counseling. I have moved, but Im still very on edge that he may try and find me. The trauma continues. But I am interested in what Blackberry mentioned about 100% NO CONTACT. Can you give more info as to how he would not be able to find you? ( I apologize for not putting your full login.) I hope you’ll be able to see this. Also. I understand how others use different methods. I bought the book about “I’m not sick”. I do agree with the person who explains our mentally ill person’s own dilemma. I feel so bad for them. It’s heartbreaking. God bless every one’s journey. Thank you for letting me tell my ongoing story.

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So sorry you are going through this. Everyone on this site knows and lives with this similar situation. Sometimes its good to vent and know that you are not alone. Please don’t ever feel guilty about having to get away from your brother. My son has sz along with a lot of other mental issues and we will throw in alcohol too. I also know how expensive it is to move out. Have you considered a group home for yourself? My son is finally in a good one. I don’t think that it will last but there are nice and good people in this home. If you could find something for yourself, you can work on yourself and what can make you happy. In this home my son can pay his rent and groceries on his disability. They also helped with food stamps. Psychiatrist goes to the home, the meds are delivered. It really has been a blessing. As I said, he won’t be there for long. One more screw up on his part and he will be thrown out. Good luck to you. Vent here anytime.

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Thanks for the kind feedback.

As for your suggestion of my living in a group home, that wouldn’t work for me because I’m a VERY private person who needs to be alone without anybody around, things are best for my mental health and psyche when I live alone.

Thanks anyway…