So sorry for your pain & anguish.
I’ve been at this 10 yrs (of diagnosis) 29 yrs total. I love my daughter & it breaks my heart when she says “I just want to be normal” I know that this is most likely for life. What a roller coaster for her and myself. Constant battle. Constantly dealing with stigmatism. Constantly dealing with those who understand the disease and those who don’t get it. It seems like every time there is a medication change, I have to adjust to a new daughter.
I’m sorry to have gone off your topic but even though I have no idea what you are going through with your son, I know you love him, want the best for him & I know he is better off having you there to advocate for him.
**So today…I have called everyone at the hospital, and no one will talk to me-not even the doctor-because C. doesnt want it. I actually had a nurse hang up on me! Wow-things are getting bad at St. Elizabeths!!!
Heading to work, I see my son walking home! I do a u-turn, and come back. He is in a gas station looking at t-shirts.
I pick him up and take him home. He is pretty much the same, maybe a little sedated.
This episode has left me with the feeling that I should let him handle his life. My sis, his dad, and I, are still going to help financially. Make sure he has all that he needs to help himself. If he continues to cuss us all out, we will not talk to him, but will not yank the money either.
SO-has to do his own laundry-grocery, follow up with doctors ( I will have to see this to believe it ), do the research on his own illness, etc…
I am rethinking his diagnosis from 20 years ago. This weekend I will be at the library finding every book there is on codependency and borderline personality disorder.
Thanks to all of you for supporting me—it means more than you will ever know **
I went to CoDA for awhile. That is, I went to CoDepedents Anonymous for greater than a year. When I got there, I asked one of the older members, “What is codependency?” He said, “When helping you is hurting me, that’s codepedent.”
I have searched to understand Borderline Personality Disorder because I have known a few folks with that diagnosis. Curiously, one can be schizophrenic and borderline at the same time!
My ex was suggesting guardianship.
I KNOW C. would not like it. However, he will not seek help for himself.
I don`t know what to think anymore, but I feel that if my son really wanted to do something, he would be able to get around that-or it could really cause things to get worse.
What do you guys think?
I think you should step back a bit. It’s clear he does know that he needs medication and as you said he can control himself when he wants to, he can be polite, but he’s using you as a verbal punch bag. My son also did that early on. I was to blame for everything. But now he’s living alone he is forced to see that he makes his own mistakes. A couple of times when he ranted at me I just told him we would talk later when he was calmer. And later he apologized. He has stopped ranting now. I have never completely withdrawn financial support. When he asks, I give him money, and sometimes when he doesnt ask. That way it is neither a “reward” for being good, nor a bribe etc. He’s not a child but we’re a family so I help him. He actually wants to be independent. He wants to work. I am sure your son does too. So, yes, l didn’t think boundaries would work with my son because sometimes he is so irrational, but they do. Of course, it’s not the end of your pain. When he suffers, you suffer in sympathy. But it helps to stop conflict. Who knows, he may find he prefers acting like an adult!
My son can be like C. With me he is one way but with another family member he makes it all sound so horrible. He knows who will be manipulated the easiest and he can up-play or down-play symptoms based on what he is looking for which is usually benzos or now alcohol.
I to have been tossing around the idea of guardianship or power of attorney for some time now. I have done some research on it and have a lawyer on hold. It’s not something I want to do… I would say to contact a lawyer that specializes first and find out what would be involved in getting it. Try to find one that offers a free consultation. That’s what I did and I got some good info.
It’s hard watching my son sometimes. He can’t/won’t do so many things but when it’s something he wants then he can be amazingly resourceful.
When my son is really symptomatic then I let things slide more however when he is reasonably stable then I expect to be talked to and treated with respect. I also have to keep in mind to walk away from him when he starts to get negative with me. This does help a lot. These types of boundaries are very important in my opinion.
I know it’s hard. We want to protect… Sometimes we can’t.
Please try at least five Al-Anon meetings. Does your son have an alcohol issue? If so, it’s the best help for detaching with love that I’ve ever experienced. Hope you will find a caring group that you are comfortable with; I know I did!
Hospitalizations are so difficult! We had five-minute visits. If we weren’t taking our son home, he didn’t want us around! They were real difficult visits and it took a long time. You can find that you can have a life and he has his own Higher Power. Even though I know God is the same God, he has his own destiny that I can’t worry about every minute of every day. My son’s choices have been his and I can give loving support, emotional support. Learn about financial and detaching because you come first. It is important and was important to my sanity. With hope, Janet
Sorry to hear about your struggles. Boundaries are very important, especially with any comorbidities (ie. a mental illness and substance abuse). When C’s in the hospital, are medications given? If doctors try to give C meds, why are they stopped?
I’m no doctor, but it sounds like more than schizophrenia. If substance abuse is involved, that could explain some things that you’ve described. If not, how certain are you about C’s diagnosis? It is not uncommon at all for schizophrenics, especially high functioning ones, to have other disorders (ie. anxiety disorders are pretty common). This further complicates treating the patient. A misdiagnosis can be even more detrimental.
I spent 10 years with regular medication changes and substance abuse problems because I simply wasn’t getting relief and have had problems and symptoms that were very treatment resistant. I finally found a way to find relief and that was a whole new approach to treatment and acceptance.
Being abandoned left and right sucks, especially when you want to keep people in your life but you seem doomed to screw that up. Some advice that is especially true with people with addiction: 1) enabling continues the cycle 2) you can’t force someone to get better (ie get off drugs, take prescribed medications as prescribed, or even participate in treatment at all) 3) it can be just like a tight-rope balancing act or like walking on egg shells and as if you are just being used, don’t you agree? (Your instinct might have originally been to placate C, this will only get you by)
Oh, by the way, C might have denied you the right to information about C’s treatment/hospitalization, but if memory serves me right, it isn’t against the law to give the doctors information- try to limit that to things they might need to know in order to help C. I hope any of this helps and good luck!
Thank you so much…
Well, at the hospital last week, I gave all info. on my son to the ER people. My son has been there so many times they should have all the info.
They let him go in less than 3 days! They would not talk to me, would not take any further info., would not let me speak to his doctor, gave him pills that I told them caused seizures. They released him without telling me, and I found him walking home.
Now, I know he probably told them not to talk to me.
BUT-this has never happened before. Now, C. has to GO HIMSELF to anything he needs. Make pdocs apptmnts, everything. He has to ask himself.
This has never happened before!
I used to scream and cry to get what he needed, and to get doctors to talk to me. Nurses were usually pretty good. I just don`t have the fight in me anymore.
I really am at a dead end…
**