It’s almost 4 am and I haven’t slept much in months. I have been dealing with my boyfriend/fiancee who has been off of his meds for 2 years and 4 months. I can’t walk away it is agonizing to see him like this. It has never been this bad. His doctors gave up on him because he was non-compliant. He twitches all the time now and he shakes when sleeping and drools. He thinks that I drug him…or the neighbors are coming in to hurt him and he tells me I’m letting them in. He lives in an apartment and he has changed the locks and deadbolts 5 or 6 times. He nailed the small crawlspace to the attic closed. Security systems…cameras etc. He even turns off the power in the garage and uses a lamp timer so when he leaves power to the garage is off and when set turns on but always end up waiting a long time to go back in. Now he will not leave at all. Hygiene is terrible. Bad. Calls me all night. Blames me for everything and twists everything totally upside down. Really scary because he started talking to himself a little months ago now its whole conversations. He will start talking to me in the middle of one of is conversations with himself and just starts talking to me and I have no idea what he is talking about. I don’t live with him because I’m taking care of my elderly father who is very I’ll. And more than half of the time i go all the way over to his place and he wont open the door. Another new one. He wont open the window blinds…shades …or windows and smokes like a chimney. He takes OTC sleeping pills but has to stop every once in a while because he gets used to them. Now he wont tell me how many hes taking and only sleeps a little and falls asleep like earlier while looking at his phone for just a few minutes then right back to his miserable self
Hello Laz,
It is so hard to watch a loved one who seems to be having an episode or breakdown. I have edited my response, hope I have not offended anyone
I only hope that my intervention is helpful, my son was exactly like you are describing and I was clueless. this is only a suggestion and these words come from my heart, I wish I had had the sense to intervene for my son. AnnieNorCal
Take care, AnnieNorCal
I agree that your boyfriend has reached a point where he might benefit from involuntary hospitalization. You will have to make a case for him being a danger to himself or others. You may not be able to get that accomplished right away, but the sleeping pills are a definite concern.
You can call for a “wellness check”. If necessary, you might be able to get a mental health warrant opened, so that he can be picked up when he leave his home. That was available in my county.
I was just going to ask something similar. My son is starting to barricade the doors. He has a court date next Thursday. The crisis team I called said to ask for a court ordered mental health evaluation. If I get that , then they will come and get him which is his fear. But from reading what @AnnieNorCal says - I think this may be the best route. And it will likely get mean and ugly when they do come to get him. It’s that or let him get worse and worse. I have to look at it like he is a stranger living in my basement that is really off course.
Thank God you don’t live together.
I agree w others. Call around to find local mental health resources, even the police, to have someone check on him and hopefully commit him to a hospital to get treatment. Good luck!
When it gets extreme, it does seem like the correct time for extreme actions on our parts. Its a decision we all have to make on our own as it can turn out poorly.
I would really want to be sure it was a CIT officer or team coming to my son’s aid - if I was to take extreme measures.
@Laz, this is so hard on you along with caring for your father.
Your boyfriend’s illness is not his fault or yours. You did not cause it. You cannot cure it.
Call local mental health crisis team, if there is one, and ask for their advice. They will know the resources in your area and be able to talk you through the choices you can make right now on his behalf.
I agree with the welfare check idea. It is not up to you whether or not he is admitted involuntarily, but you can list the reasons you are worried about him (as in your OP) on the request for the welfare check and tell them his health history and the he has stopped taking psych meds.
Yes this is really happening. My husband went through the exact same thing. The cameras, the hygiene, the hatred of me and assuming that I’ve been making secrets calls to have him ‘survailenced’. It seems right now that calling in the professionals is his worst fear and he will only hate you more. Wrong! Call them. He is sick and he desperately needs medical attention. The longer one allows psychosis to go on, the harder it is to medicate and sometimes it’s too late. It got so bad for us, my son and I were living in my car because the ‘monster’ was loose at home. So yes! Call your local mental health clinic and ask them about getting a TRAINED mental health professional to his house. Don’t just call the cops. They are trained to treat criminals. They are not doctors. Meet them at the end of the road and talk to them first so they know exactly what’s going on. Good luck to you honey
Getting a mental health professional to do an in-home evaluation is the better option, but unfortunately, in many case that just isn’t available.
This is very dangerous, If I were you, I will contact Adult Protective Services, so they could probably do a home visit. It breaks my hearth that he is having all these terrible symptoms that we know as caregivers only medicine can bring him back to feeling ok.God bless you and hope he could get the assistance
And thank God he have you!
Yes I agree with all that he needs to get to a hospital to get stabilized. It can be a hard process both on you emotionally and actually getting someone to put a hold on him. I have come to realize that the disease just gets progressivley worse the older they get and longer it goes on untreated. I had to watch my son deterioarte for almost 2 years before I just couldn’t take it and did everything I could to get him into a hospital. I kept thinking he would get better but his meds just were not working and then he wouldn’t take. now he is out of hospital and doing better but there is a lot of him I have lost in the last couple of years. It is now a longer road to climb back up to see him in a recovery state… all the best to you…
@Laz where are you located? I’m in Colorado and just figured out how to get an involuntary evaluation. It’s called a civil emergency mental health hold. I am going through the county attorney (free). I had to write up all that was going on and they created an affidavit that goes to the court and then it becomes a court order eval. In my case, they will come to the house, break in and take my son away in cuffs to a hospital for the eval. If you do this your fiancé will receive the paperwork and know that you had him involuntary committed. In my case I don’t care that my son gets upset with me. Good luck ! It’s a tough thing to do.
I encourage anyone who believes their loved one needs to be hospitalized to received needed care to document as much as possible regarding any prior mental health related hospitalizations or ER visits, diagnosis if there is one, medications history, and manifestations of the illness (paranoia, depression, manic episodes, disappearances, etc.). When our son was missing/homeless for 3 months, it was such a document that finally helped him to be detained and KEPT involutarily. It has continued to be a journey, including additional hospitalizations, a residential program that only lasted 3 weeks, etc., but when it got so bad I was able to apply and get approved for guardianship. An additional 3-month hospitalization occurred, and when he was at the worst, the hospital was able to start treatment/medication and convince him to continue. He is now at an outstanding treatment program, but only the hospital doctor referred him and then because he signed an agreement that he would be medication-compliant for one month and “he had no other option”. I would not let him stay at our home (although he was home for a very brief time). It is incredible how it worked out but I encourage folks to be persistent and strong and loving when you can be in spite of all of the above. I expect there will be significant challenges ahead, but we believe he is in one of the best possible programs for recovery and we are hopeful. Keep up hope.
@hope4us Thank you - I may go the guardianship route as well. Son is currently in hospital (first time). He’ll likely get court ordered meds or take them just to get out. We’re on day 3. Where is your son now?
There are residential treatment programs around the country (US). I can give you the names of several. I suggest getting that info from your local NAMI affiliate or the treating doctor. Most are private pay or if they take insurance, it is likely be out of network, although there are other options for persons on Medicaid/Medicare. The best way I know of to learn about each one is first look at their website, then to call and talk with them. If your son is a young adult (as is often the case with first episode), a program specific for young adults is probably the best. (I wish there was a way to private message on this site as I want to respect our son’s privacy.)
@hope4us Was this for me? There is a way to private message. Click on your H (name) and there is an envelope. Click on that. I can’t afford the private treatments places that I have seen. 30K a month for the two I know of. He is 28. I’ll send you an email so you can reply. At this point they can’t give us any info. due to hippa. Now we wait until he is moved and see if we can find out where he goes. He’ll likely be in the short term unit for a while then a 1/2 house.
Not to be Debby Downer, but… have you seen the price for these treatment programs? Most of the programs are very expensive, and insurance companies that will pay for them seem few and far between.
We lucked out and our insurance is in network. We don’t know how long the insurance will cover. Plus the program where we are encourages families to apply for financial aid. Yes, it is incredibly expensive. After losing our son (missing/homeless) for 3 months and repeated hospitalizations and ER visits since, we are willing to sacrifice where we can. There will be a limit at some point if this doesn’t work. Our son seems to be a good candidate for this program but it wasn’t easy getting to this point. @DianeR I will try to message you!