The pain of my son being in and out of the physiological hospital is so overwhelming every few minutes i Just want to curl up and cry I am so sad it pains me so much to see him suffer .
I understand. We are still coming to terms with our daughter’s illness. It changes a lot for her future and also ours. It’s hard to accept it sometimes.
It is incredibly painful. I’ve been dealing with this for 7-8 years now, and it still hurts. I try to not get my hopes up, and “accept the new normal”. But those are pretty heartless words - I don’t LIKE the new normal, I don’t WANT the new normal.
Its very hard sometimes - I know from experience. But don’t give up hope. There are many reasons to be hopeful. Here are some videos to watch and to keep in mind:
Fred Frese, PhD., is a psychologist with over 40 years of experience and was diagnosed as schizophrenic after more than 10 years of involuntary psychiatric hospitalizations.
Pat Deegan - now a professor at Dartmouth College:
It’s so uplifting to see these stories of recovery of people with schizophrenia who have made a quality life for themselves. Here’s hoping!
AAmark I know how you feel…many nights I have cried myself to sleep over my son illness, one time we were at the hospital because he felt he was going to hurt himself,
we were waiting for about 5 hours for him to be admitted and a room to be ready. I remember that I couldn’t stop crying for at least 3 hours. Not sobbing, but the tears wouldn’t stop falling. I tried to stop but couldn’t. My son said he was sorry, My heart was breaking for the pain he was in. I told him we just loved him so much and we are always there for him.
Many of use know what you are going through, hang in there, cry if you have too, but don’t give up hope!
Read what you can on this illness, see if there are support groups in your area,
Hugs to you
i have tears in my eyes right now just reading your post its like i feel like when if around my son i have to always pretend to be happy and postive never upset i dont want him to be upset or feel bad or feel guilty for making us upset my worst fear is for him to say those words " im sorry " and feel bad about something he has no control over so for me theres a lot of pretending to be happy for his sake even if i really need to cry and crying would be great for me . but sometimes at the most unexpected times i will just tear up i will think of him as a tiny baby its almost as if im grieving for someone who has died my father died about 6 months ago and the memories and crying are the same as i felt with him then . maybe its just from stress and worry but its very painful and heartbreaking just thinking that he has a broken heart or is miserable . I love him so much ! i worry about him so much and its so wonderful to know im not alone and there are other moms who understand here my husband doesnt like to talk about him he worries too and im sure he feels the same way
johnsmom in all the years of my sons illness(10) he never saw me cry, we all kept that away from him because we didn’t want to upset him or make him feel worse.
When he was talking about hurting himself or suicidal thoughts, it was about making all the people who left him, ( ex-wife, friends ) feel bad for the way they treated him.
When I broke down is was like he finally saw how much his father and I would be hurt by his actions, while all these years we have supported him and never left like his friends and wife. So for us, him seeing me cry was a good thing.
You mentioned about thinking about your son when he was young and how he was.
And It seems like with this illness our son doesn’t remember much of his life before it.
So with his okay, we brought out some family movies of my son when he was very little. He got to see how loved he was and we had a lot of good laughs too. He saw that he had a happy childhood and it jogged his memory of those good times.
oh yes depending on the circumstances it can be a really good thing to see your mom crying thats actually what prevented my second oldest son from joining the army when he was 18 at a time when we were fighting in 2 wars so showing concern and that you are affected by things can make them think twice for sure and suicide is something they definately do have control over and he should be sorry for trying to do that and it also shows how much you love him , but i hope you didnt think that i thought bad of you for crying in front of him i didnt think so at all everyone breaks down at a point even if we dont want to it just made me think of how much i control my true feelings around him and why and just so glad i found a place that i can share my feelings with other people its really great
I think you have a valid point as well because if they see that we are upset by their illness they can blame themselves, and get more depressed.
Definitely by having a positive attitude around our sons, they can draw strength from that when they are feeling down.
I enjoy this forum because we can share our experiences, since we’re all in this journey together🌺
So sorry you are going through this. My wife and I have been dealing with my sons illness for about 9 years now.
The first few years where really rough for me. A profound sadness still exists but I’ve learned to accept, understand and heal my feelings over the years. Individual therapy and NAMI meetings really did help me. I would encourage you find this kind of support. These days my son lives independently. We help him financially and he still struggles with SA at times but things are much better now. He is paranoid schizophrenic and fortunately the symptoms have lessened over the years. He receives a small ssi payment. He also has an act team that works with him to administer meds and other support. The ACT team has been a huge help in his recovery, if you can get a similar system to help your son please look into it its been a godsend for us.
I understand the pain of seeing your loved one struggling with this brutal illness, I too was curled up in a ball doubled over with panic, tears and heartbreak but things will get better. You’ve probably heard it over and over but you do really need to take care of yourself it will benefit you and your son.
I cried the other day. When my son was first diagnosed I kept on crying, though not in front of him. But I think it’s ok to cry in front of him. My sons main ‘symptom’ these days is depression, but I’m not sure it is depression really. I think it’s really sadness or grief. The longer he stays well, the more he sees and regrets the ‘waste’ of the last ten years of his life. It is a good reason to be sad. And I have told him that I cry because I don’t like to see him suffer. We’re all human, we can support each other without repressing all our feelings.
I have schizoaffective disorder and I was in and out of hospital for the last ten years. I used to come on this forum and offer advice. In the last year, with new meds and a positive outlook I stopped getting delusional or severely depressed. The key is what you tell yourself. If I start feeling depressed, for example, I force myself to think of fun and happy things and while this may sound too obvious it works. When I was in hospital over a year ago a therapist taught me how to deal with depression and paranoid thoughts. I’d heard it all before but I never seriously listened, thinking my problems were insurmountable. It has to click with the sza person. If I start feeling paranoid on the bus like people are talking about me, I just think maybe they are, but so what? I’ll probably not see them again and I don’t care about their opinions - I am NOT going to stop that from me getting out and enjoying life. Part of dealing with sza is what you tell yourself as that is a coping mechanism. Don’t get me wrong. Some things like voices don’t just go away, they need
medication. I don’t have the negative thoughts like I used to suffer from since meds and more self-confidence have helped me. Part of self-confidence is not just feeling assured about yourself
but also showing that you can deal with things by having the fortitude to fight negative thinking. I used to get caught up in depression and think I’m depressed and can’t do anything and think about the depression I was in. If you just visualize it helps immensely. Some people get so depressed and have no fight left in them but I believe that at least part of the depression would lift if they didn’t focus on the depression. This may sound easy to some but it is very difficult and took me 37 years to realize these things. Again, the sza person has to believe this practice will work. I have had eleven books published now, too; my latest is SPILT COFFEE and is about three sza men who love the Filipino nurse who looks after them. I take Seroquel, Trazedone, Loxapine and Luvox for sza, as well.
I’m going to show this to my son. He’s 18 and just graduated . Diagnosed with schizophrenia, undiff 2 years ago
I cry everyday, it is normal saline and it is therapeutic, but I also see my own counselor every two weeks and sometimes I just bawl my head off to her again it is therapeutic, do you have someone to talk with?? If not I strongly recommend you find a friend or counselor who will let you be sad and not try to “fix” things but give some positive coping mechanisms - I actually started a blog just so I could get some of those feelings out and that has helped me a lot.
At the height of my son’s illness I was also devastated and did cry and mourn a lot-every day, not just for what I knew he was experiencing which was bad enough, but for the loss of my own “dreams” of what I always had hoped to see for my son, graduation, a career, marriage, and independent life, Some patients can get well enough to achieve all of these goals and that is wonderful for them and their families. Some will only be well enough that the people who love them can sleep easy at night knowing that their loved one is not actively trying to do harm to themselves or being propelled into dangerous behavior by unseen voices or visions. Some of us have to be grateful that we can talk and laugh with our loved one one day at a time and that we can cook a meal together, enjoy a movie or take a walk in the park. For those with a more difficult diagnosis life is day to day and sometimes moment by moment. Our expectations have to be abandoned and we have to be ready and willing to adapt to a new reality of that ‘day to day success’ approach. What went right today? Instead of what went wrong. Most importantly as a caretaker and advocate you have to take care of yourself, even as far as getting counseling for yourself to have a neutral party to discuss your fears, anxieties and sadness as well as your victories and happy moments you share with your son. I have been in counseling off and on for as long as my son has been ill and recently restarted it again when I started to feel emotionallydepleted. Don’t give up on him or yourself. I wish you both the best.
I found it so helpful for me to have some good friends who allow me to dump my feeling on them. An outlet is important for the caregiver. NAMI has great support groups, hopefully you can find one in your area.
My son was diagnosed 8 years ago. I am generally a positive person but more and more have become sadder. It is always there. My son lives with me and as I am on my own and over 60. I constantly worry if something happens to me what will happen to him. I have some family but they have busy lives and do not really understand. My son had got some friends but something happened, I don’t know what, at the beginning of this year and he says he cannot cope being with people. I wondered if moving out would help but don’t think he wants that. I am so stuck in this situation and I see no positive future for him.
I broke down at the pharmacy yesterday, the immediate reason was frustration of lab results not getting to the pharmacy so meds couldn’t be refilled, but I’m sure a lot of it is just continued grief about the illness. The silver lining is that a complete stranger stopped and provided comfort, helped me get it back together and got the manager for me. The problem was not resolved, but I communicated my frustration with the system - and also regarding the pharmacist who felt it was her place to say, well maybe you should talk with his doctor about changing him to a different medication - uh, my son is on what is considered a ‘last resort’ med, I don’t think you get it!!!