How to handle son`s mouth?


#1

I know that my son always seems to be stressed out-usually because of something he has done. Last Sat., we went to the store as usual, and he was in such a great mood. Yesterday, I found out he lost his keys for the third time. For whatever reason, he will not have extra keys made. Calls his landlady in the middle of the night.
So yesterday, I told him he needs to quit doing that and that I would take him to get keys made. He took that as me—trying to tell him what to do. Tonight, on my break at work, he was cussing me out because he didnt believe me when I told him it was Monday. Of course, he took off with that and said some pretty horrible things. When I tried to pin him down on what I said that was so bad, he hung up on me. OK. what will happen is that we wont talk for a few days, then he will call and say he has a lot going on and he is sorry. Fine.
These outbursts of his are getting to me. He keeps doing it. It is hard to believe how he can be so calm one day, and act like this the next day.
How can I stop this cycle-in a way he is going to get it that I am not tolerating his bad behavior towards me anymore.?
I look at all of your posts. I do not see anyone disrepecting their parents…
Thanks


#2

I’ll come clean, when I was still thinking I wasn’t ill and I was on and off and on and off my meds, I was horrid to my family. I was rude, I was argumentative, and I had manic swings due to positive symptoms, and I was hyper sensitive.

It’s taken a lot of family therapy to find that common ground and relearn how to communicate with each other. For a long time, my kid sis was in the middle. I liked her because when she was little, she believed me will all the trust that a 6 & 7 year old has.

But there was a lot of conflict with everyone else in the family. I am much closer to my family now. But there was a time; when this was not the case. I don’t like talking about that part of my life.

But yes, positive symptoms, irritability, paranoia, on and off the meds, angry voices in my head, confusing and not knowing whom to trust when? I was a very different person many years ago.

The only thing I could suggest is calmly state that you will help him, but not put up with verbal abuse, and then hang up. My parents had to hang up and walk away many times. Leaving me to be angry all alone.


#3

Thank you J.
This is pretty much how I have handled it. I guess I just wanted to fix this from “ever” happening again. I try not to take it personally-but tonight for some reason it got to me.
Thank you so muchX


#4

Hi bridgecomet!My son is only 12 but he gets overwhelmed easily these days+tries to take it out on me.The cussing,the horrible rage-it’s awful!@BarbieBF and @SurprisedJ have both given me lots of good advice.Meds have helped somewhat.Now I’ve made it clear that he has no right to talk to me that way.All the advice seems to be working.Relationships are complicated+sz has added more to the mix.Keep calm+walk away when you have to.Try to take care of yourself as much as possible.


#5

Thanks btrfly: I don`t think there is a better place than this site. 20 years ago, this board pretty much saved my life.
Thank you


#6

i dis-respect my mom everyday actually, i despise her and believe she is evil, she has been hardly more than a scourge on my life, just a pussy gangrenous oozing pit is what she is.

I just hate her so much, and she really is a total piece of crap to, it’s not like i just hate people because i enjoy it or anything.

And i can’t escape her clutches, her web, trapped like an animal.


#7

My son used to be very disrespectful and still can be when things are not going his way. As recently as just over a week ago and he lost his laptop for 4 days. He is able to recognize that he went to far and apologize later which is great however the behavior still needs to be disciplined or dealt with in my opinion.

Hang up the phone when he starts. If he calls back and starts it up again, hang up again. Tell him that you refuse to be talked to like that. He can talk to you with respect or not to talk to you. The choice is his. I find it hard to not argue with my son because I do want to make him see or realize what he is saying or doing. I have to stop, back off and not participate because I’m usually having a discussion/argument that is not going to accomplish anything. Arguments and discussions can actually be good and I enjoy a good debate however when the conversation is all one sided, one person throwing out accusations and not listening to the other side, it’s not even an argument any more. It’s just one person venting and/or manipulating. I believe that as long as my son is not in psychosis then he is very capable of controlling the words that come out of his mouth and even when in psychosis for that matter and I have threatened to walk away from my son while he was inpatient for swearing at me. He stopped swearing. :wink:


#8

Hi bridgecomet–My son has said and continues, at times, to say awful things to our family. What everyone here has already said is basically how I’ve handled it as well. Because someone is ill doesn’t give them the right to be abusive or mean. Setting clear limits, with love, and being available in all ways as long as there’s no disrespect has helped me manage the hurtful behaviors.
The other thing that helps my own hurt is remembering that if my son were well, he’d be horrified that he was saying these things! :smile:


#9

I agree. I know this. It doesnt take much to get an argument going. Sometimes, we have nothing to say to each other. I am afraid if I say anything-he will take it the wrong way. Its hard, and wears me out…but we keep on going~


#10

I wonder why there is so much of this though-irritated, stressed, hard to say. Thanks for your responseX


#11

It’s part of the illness. Somewhere the feelings/thoughts become distorted and reality is skewed. It’s probably a great stress reliever for the stressed person!


#12

@bridgecomet… I think that’s one of the biggest regrets we schizophrenics have about this illness, is that we screw our parents round so much. We do not mean it, its just we can be very stressed with our internal world.

Unfortunately I have a lot of regrets due to this illness. But I wasn’t in my right mind at all at the time. Unfortunately I was very stressed out with voices telling me to do this that and the other. Anyway, this stress can lead to tension in the family. Unfortunately I have had the misfortune of hurting and disrespecting my parents a lot of times. Deeply regrettably I spat in my mothers face. I deeply regret that but I was not in my right mind. I was off my head, very much stressed by my internal world. To understand schizophrenia, you must understand that a lot of things are going on inside the mind of the schizophrenic that causes a lot of stress. This unfortunately can cause stress for the families. But trust me, the patient schizophrenic does not intend to cause this offense or disrespect. He is not in his right mind. He is basically controlled by external forces.

Forgive your son for his outbursts. Trust me, he does not want to do these things.


#13

I totally agree. When I read this it reminded me of when my daughter was in the hospital. She had her spine operated on due to scoliosis. She was in so much pain that even morphine was not taking it away. For days I had been by her side taking care of her better then the nurses were. Going home when I could to work remotely at my job as things were not getting done at work then back to the hospital. For days the nurses did hardly anything. I had to point out to them when her pee bag was full. I had to physically help her move positions frequently to help ease the pain. I bathed her and fed her. Anyways, one day she yelled at me for not doing something right. I got mad at her as it really hurt my feelings. She was able to control herself and not yell at the nurses so yelling at me was a choice. I did not stay mad. I never do at my children. She apologized and we moved on. I understood that she lashed out due to her pain and I accepted that however it was not going to become an accepted way of handling it.


#14

Great analogy. How old is your son? Does he respond to your setting limits? Fortunately, strong as they’ve had to be at times, my son responds well when I set limits. I have a feeling it helps him feel more in control as well.


#15

He is 20. He does best when there are limits and boundaries even though he fights against them :wink: He wants to be treated like an adult even though he is barely functioning at a younger age when it comes to being responsible for himself. I’m thinking family therapy might need to be our next step as we are at a spot where he needs to “grow up” and I’m unsure how to proceed. It takes patience some days to just get him up and out the door for his schooling twice a week. He does what I guide him to do however if I try to point out things he should be and is capable of doing at this stage and age he takes it as an insult that I’m putting him down. Outside help/therapy/input is looking like it may be necessary.


#16

when I am not stable - I can become manic and have mixed episodes - depressed and psychotic. This combo of symptoms turns me into a monster at times. I was rude, irritable, angry all of the time. I would be hypersensitive and delusional, I was constantly arguing with my father especially. That kind of behavior is not who I really am, the illness makes me this way. So in a way it can be excused, it is very difficult for non SZ people to see this, including mental health professionals


#17

[quote=“Wave, post:16, topic:5918, full:true”] I was rude, irritable, angry all of the time. I would be hypersensitive and delusional, I was constantly arguing with my father especially. That kind of behavior is not who I really am
[/quote]

I have schizophrenia. I agree the illness is responsible for all this mouth and aggression, not the patient but the illness.


#18

C. is 37 yrs old.
The last few days, he has been actually opening up to me about how he is feeling. I guess right now, we are trying to work out new ways to deal with each other so we don`t end up in an argument, and no one feels hurt or mad.


#19

How do you deal with your family when you are feeling irritable?


#20

@bridgecomet…It can be hard to control oneself when aggravated by voices and my internal world. Trust me, I was a nice guy before this illness took hold. But schizophrenia can well up anger like a volcano. I was rather placid before this illness. I got on with my parents. Unfortunately I get aggravated by this schizophrenia. When I do get aggravated I will take some anti psychotics as this helps ease tension. Also, I will go to bed to get some sleep as this helps me relax and eases tension. Also, I put on some music of a song I like. This can help me de-tense.