Hi Jackson. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
We too experience a lot of the “disgusting and disrespectful” verbal aggression towards us when our son is agitated and escalating. The language and accusations are beyond anything we could’ve ever imagined coming out of our child’s mouth. We used to think we should just stand there and listen to it, so he would feel he’s been heard, or we would let our frustration out by talking back to him, but now we just remove ourselves from his presence as quickly as possible. There’s no point in subjecting ourselves to the onslaught.
We’ve learned that there is nothing you can do to “correct the behavior” when he’s in an escalated state. Once he’s calm again, you can attempt to calmly state your dissatisfaction with his verbal aggression and you can clarify your behavioral expectations until you’re blue in the face, but even then he’ll probably do it again. Once he’s back in an escalated state, the disgusting stuff will probably come out of his mouth again. For our son, it’s like he has a box in his head that’s filled with all the gross words and thoughts. If he experiences any kind interpersonal stress, the box gets opened and out comes the disgusting rant.
I strongly recommend you set up a way to lock yourselves away from him, or lock him away from you. You need to be able to separate yourselves from him, to preserve your own mental health. Plus, removing yourself from his verbal abuse will lessen the reinforcement he gets when he’s engaging in the behavior. Decreased reinforcement might lead to a decrease in the behavior, or at least a decrease in the duration of the behavioral events.