@Chrystal I am so very sorry for your loss and sorry that you and your siblings have all had to deal with severe mental illness. I am glad to hear that you are in recovery, that is good news. You are not a monster to have mixed even negative feelings about the mental health of your youngest sister.
Everyone here at this forum (including me) has (at times) had a love/hate relationship with their mentally ill loved ones. So long as no one is really planning on harming anyone else it is all normal human response to a devastatingly stressful situation.
I can relate to your post in that I have pervasive mental illness/alcoholism/addiction throughout my family and it is incredibly overwhelming. My one sister that I am close to (now)is 2 years younger than me and she is schizoaffective/borderline personality and a recovering crack addict/alcoholic-we were estranged many years off and on due to all of her issues, my youngest son has schizophrenia and addiction issues and he is in recovery now also (thankfully) and my mother suffered major depression and alcoholism all of her adult life today she is an invalid on oxygen 24/7 with chronic COPD and she no longer knows who I am.
All other members of my family have a variety of mental illnesses and addiction issues. Even I am in treatment for PTSD, anxiety, and food issues. It is extremely overwhelming when you have family history like we do. I am 57 and what I have learned over the years from my mistakes is that it is critical that your health and well being comes first…even if you want to help your younger sister when she is amenable to being helped you could only do that if you are strong and firm in your own wellness…otherwise you risk losing whatever you have gained.
The other thing I have learned is that even when you love someone deeply you cannot always be the answer they need to resolve their problems. My sister needs loads of help all of the time, but I cannot help her, I care for my adult son full time and I am in treatment myself so all I can do is lead her to other sources of help, she has to make it happen, right now I am trying to urge her to get a counselor and a case manager and she is (for the first time in many years) open to that idea…all I can be for her these days is her sister…she and I talk and visit and share time together when possible but her survival is on her…Very hard to accept but a must because otherwise if something (god forbid) happens to her and I am too enmeshed in her life along with my son, there is the risk we all 3 go down with the ship so to speak…I can’t risk that, I refuse to. She knows I love her and I know she loves me and she knows I can’t save her and truthfully she doesn’t want me to, and for now she is ok.
I hope sharing my experiences helps you in some small way…so glad you are here, there are a lot of wonderful caring and experienced people here when it comes to dealing with mental illness and the care of loved ones. I wish you and your sister the very best.