Wow I am in the same boat as you with my husband , my sons step dad , and the guilt for leaving him even to a Nami meeting . Unreal ! I sometimes wish there were 2 of me to please them both . I can’t even look after myself as I’m so busy trying to please them both . It’s exhasting physically and mentally . I truly know and feel what your going through . My son is 19 and living in a student apartment not far from our home , it has been the worse year of my life and just last month my son was diagnosed for now they say with scz . I’m heartbroken and trying to digest it . My husband is not interested in anything about my son as he is so angry with him for a very hard year he put us through using drugs Ect … I know now that my son took drugs to self medicate himself . He has stopped now and is taking meds and sees regular doctors and therapists . My son is in denial and I’m sure trying to digest his condition. He seems so lonely and my heart breaks and I cry a lot alone as I feel my husband will get in a mood if he sees me sad about my son .
Linda, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. Many here on this forum know exactly how you feel to be torn between love and concern for your son and husband. I won’t speak for everyone but many here deal with similar problems with spouses and the differing stages of grief over our loved ones condition.
Read all you can and do take time for yourself. NAMI meetings are an excellent idea. I hope your husband comes around for your sake and his. This requires strength we didn’t know we had. You will find yours. God bless you all!
Thank you for understanding, I finally feel a little comfort knowing others understand and I’m not completely alone . Gd bless you all and I pray it will get easier for us all I am going to do my vey best to attend the Nami group tomorrow evening hope you have a beautiful day
Linda, I am so sorry that your son has been diagnosed and to make it worse, you have just been pulled between your husband and son as you have worked to help your son and meet the needs of your husband.
When people on this board say “its been the worst year of my life” we all understand it really was the worst year of your life. Many people can’t even understand that our bad days are on an entirely different bad day scale.
So glad that your son is taking the appropriate meds. Your son might not actually be in denial. He may be suffering from a symptom of the illness called “anosognosia”. This symptom of the illness keeps them from understanding that they are sick. They actually believe all of their delusions and auditory hallucinations are real.
Hoping you are one of the lucky ones and he stays medicated. Regards, Hope
This thread reminded me of my unappreciated husband’s recent mess up.
We have a nighttime “plan” in place, designed to help him feel I am taking his concerns seriously. If it makes him sleep better…
In the plan, in the case of a Jeb “invasion” he is supposed to go to his closet and get his gun, while I go and deal with Jeb - he sees this as I am stalling Jeb from “attacking” while he has time to access his gun. My personal plan is that I am stalling my husband so I can get Jeb out of the house before his dad emerges from the bedroom. He will have to unlock the gun safe, its going to take a while. In case you haven’t read the entire thread - my husband has no ability whatsoever to stay calm during a Jeb moment, any interaction would be a bad interaction and would make everything worse. I think the most likely reason Jeb would enter our house at night would be because he needed help.
A few weeks back the dogs began barking wildly in the middle of the night. I jump out of bed-thinking to save Jeb from his dad. My thought is- this is it, this is it, wake up. Husband is FOLLOWING me to bedroom door. Urgent whispering ensues.
Me- WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GO BACK, YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE GETTING THE GUN.
Him - I NEED TO SEE WHAT IT IS BEFORE I GET THE GUN.
Me - NO! THAT IS NOT THE PLAN, GO BACK AND GET THE GUN. YOU ARE NOT FOLLOWING THE PLAN.
I am between him and the door, not letting him open the door. Dogs stopped barking, probably to listen to our loud whispers. Of course there is nothing going on that we can find, once we eventually stop arguing about “the plan”.
The plan has one job for him, but he can’t even do it. Which on one hand is good, on the other hand is bad.
The game of LIFE with an unmedicated family member with scz is never simple.
Damn good plan, always have a plan for everything… Practice makes perfect…
That was where we why failed, we failed to practice. Argh!
I would be so afraid to even bring a gun into the picture. Our son would try to find it.
On our guardianship I signed away his right to have or acquire firearms. I thought it made sense then and now. How many of you have taken that step for tut loved ones?
The only guns we own are the guns that Jeb bought. The scz psych doctor suggested we buy them from Jeb -that worked. We aren’t gun people, never have been. We did buy an expensive gun safe to hold all of them after we got them off Jeb.
Sometimes we end up making compromises we don’t like. I am pretty sure you realize the guns aren’t my idea.
We don’t have guardianship over Jeb. The law used to be that he was prohibited from buying guns due to his being disabled due to mental illness. That was a relief, then they changed the law. Now all we can do is hope he hasn’t gotten any more since we got these from him.
That’s what make Jeb dangerous. He buys guns to “protect” himself from all the things he believes due to his paranoia.
My husband’s fears about Jeb hurting him some day aren’t totally unfounded. He is the main focus of Jeb’s delusions and psychosis. When Jeb is shouting at my husband, it is loud, violent, angry shouting.
I hate guns. Scary how your son was able to purchase them. I’m so glad you were able to buy them from him.
My politically conservative, paranoid sz ex thankfully was of the opinion that he was too unstable to own one. Our relationship was so combustible at times, that introducing a gun to the mix would have been a recipe for disaster.
Thank you for your kind words , this site is wonderful !
This was a timely bump up - husband had a rough go last night when Jeb was yelling. I didn’t sweat it because its not the out of control yelling. I am happy to say my husband did much better than he has in the past. He was shook up, poor guy, his brain just jumps on the crazy train once Jeb gets going.
From what I have read about cognitive behavior therapy and how it works, I can see that my husband’s mind does jump to conclusions when he hears Jeb yell. Supposedly, its the essences of paranoias, the mind jumps to conclusions and becomes fearful based on the conclusion it has made.
Jeb yells, my husband’s brain jumps to the conclusion that Jeb is about to attack him. Husband becomes fearful beyond rational reasoning. He verbally lashes out at me and says I am minimizing his concerns. Much less intense last night. My nightmare continues to be my husband losing all control and going out to confront Jeb -bringing Jeb’s worst paranoid fear into reality. I do agree with the sources that say most people with paranoia based scz are only dangerous when they are faced with a threatening real situation that totally freaks them out.
His psychiatrist says Jeb feels safe at home. He has probably asked Jeb to make sure we aren’t hurting Jeb, right? What Jeb means is he feels safe inside his home.
Sometimes my stress level gets so high I feel it in my belly. My stomach literally starts to hurt. I also have a son that has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. He’s currently in the hospital and there starting some new medications. He’s only 18 years old and this has been the most difficult time of his life. I also have a spouse that doesn’t understand he only wants me to fix it and he stays out the way. I wish he would at least try to educate himself on our sons condition. At least he would have a better understanding of his behavior. I pray and I believe that my son will be OK. However It feels like I’ve lost someone but there still here. I grieve like someone has died. I pray things get better for you and your family.
I so understand you and sorry your going through the same pain as me . i have booked a therapist this Wednesday for myself as my husband , like yours , doesn’t understand , doesn’t want to go to the therapist with me and does not educate himself either . You need to try and stay strong and don’t make yourself sick as your son needs you to be well so you can look after him . I go to NAMI alone which helps so much and i will go therapy alone , what ever it takes to help my son . Try some Rescue Remedy for stress and anxiety , its natural and helps at that moment . my son will be turning 20 in January and i will do my best to help his life be as normal as i can get it , I’m not saying its easy its far from that but i will try and i will educate myself in order to help him . He is my only son and no one but a true devoted Mother will understand how we feel . Fantastic book that really helps Understanding Schizophrenia: A Practical Guide for Patients, Families, and Health Care Professionals (ravinder d reddy MD) , all the best , Linda
I’m so pleased to hear you attending NAMI … what did u think ? All I know is so far they have helped me in so many ways
Linda - I think as you read through the many posts on here, you’ll see a common thread. Most of the posts are from moms, not dads. I am not trying to discount the dads’ input at all, but in my house, my husband is bipolar, my son is schzioaffective w/ bipolar. I am the one who takes care of everything within the walls of our home. My husband is seemingly unable to deal with our son’s illness and wishes to “sweep it under the carpet” for the most part. A lot of this, I believe, comes from the way he was raised. His mother chose to sweep things under the carpet that were not perfect or acceptable in her view. Therefore, my husband has a lot of shame and unacceptance in him. My husband also overreacts to every little thing relating to our son. I believe this is a part of his bipolar and I try to keep that in mind, but it is very exhausting to calm him down, try to remind him that he is assuming the worst, that may or may not happen, etc. on a daily basis, sometimes several times a day. He has what are called cognitive distortions. Every single one of them. I love both him and my son, but they are both a full-time job in addition to me working a full-time job. I, too, feel extremely grateful to have found this site. I have yet to make it to a NAMI meeting though it pops up on my Outlook calendar at work faithfully and reminds me. I know it would probably be really helpful. Would love to hear from anyone else on here who is dealing with multiple mentally ill people in one household and how you hold it all together.
Hi Lisa ,Im sure Your doing an amazing job for both of them ! its so exhausting ‘mentally and physically’ , sometimes i just feel i have no energy and no appreciation , i just need to remind myself to take one day at a time and that this is a brain disease that my son has and not really who he truly is … So hard, i know , you know and everyone dealing with this knows … Does your son disrespect you ? I’m just having a bad day today with my son disrespecting me , i just want to cry and he doesn’t even care , i don’t understand it i just don’t …
My son has disrespected me, it felt awful. The first time he called me an ugly name, he did it in person and it was a low mean whisper. I didn’t know he had scz, it was back when we didn’t know what was going on with him. I was just crushed.
Now my son texts all kinds of accusations and names during severe psychosis. My husband has actually been helpful in helping me deal with those texts. I have not told him the specific names I have been called, I don’t want to increase his issues with our son. Years ago there were skits on tv about world politics. They would run an old clip of a terrorist talking and insert different silly sentences. They always ended the silly stuff with “oh, and yes death to America”. When I receive a text from our son, I will read my husband just the communications parts and my husband will say “oh and yes, death to Dad”?
Oh, that is funny! Maybe I can hit on an addendum that I can mentally add to my son’s negative outbursts that will keep me from snapping back. That is what is hard for me sometimes. Even tho I know it is ‘the psychosis talking’, when my son starts in with accusations, sometimes it is very difficult to not start defending myself. Which of course is pointless.