Husband freaking out - AGAIN


@squid that’s all valid points. I think worry for the future might weigh heavier for my husband than me because I am so busy with the here and now I don’t have time for the future. All our future plans have gone on hold but for him, he wants to keep working towards them. I get that life doesn’t stop but my credit is shot due to medical bills. I can’t even think about buying a house, let alone find time to actually look for one. For him that dream lives on and I haven’t had the heart to tell him that I don’t know when or if that can happen now.

I call him my husband and we meet the common law criteria but I don’t know when we will be able to actually get married. I qualify for assistance I never would if we were married.

The hopes and dreams and life plans are especially hard. And mentally he hasn’t adjusted in the way I have. I am still in crisis mode trying to find answers. He leaves most of the week and no matter how much I keep him in the loop, he still wants me to do all the same things I did before and I just can’t right now.

I wish I could do SSDI but not an option for at least two years and only if we get the right diagnosis which no one wants to give her.


We filed for coverage with SS twice, have been asked to file on behalf of welfare several times. Both times we applied we were turned down, one time accepted. The reason was the same for both times we were turned down. Let me explain…

First time, he was approved, but not approved. The paperwork said his condition was lifelong and debilitating. BUT, because he was medicated and his condition was under control (no major symptoms for a period of time), he did not qualify. If our income decreased, he would qualify.

I cried, because it was the first time I read in print, with my son’s name (the one we spent months deciding on, our baby!!) and his dx, and his future prognosis. I cried, and cried. My husband was working in another State, and I only could talk to him a few minutes several evenings a week. Son was having major issues in school, but was not considered in need of financial assistance. (He got every sickness, medication issues were constant, and the bills were through the roof!)

Husband lost his job, and we were informed that sons medication (just one) was over $800 per month. Total medication cost exceeded $1100 per month.

I contacted SS, and he was approved. Boom…check arrived.
Husband went on unemployment, we reported. Checks still arrived.
Husband got another job…we reported. I sent in documentation and telephoned representative.
TWO months later, we get a bill. For “over payment”. We were also dropped from SS.
We repaid…that was fun.

Later, we sought SS again. He was denied. We knew he would be, as husband made too much money. BUT, the state at the time needed him to be denied, so the state could cover his medication cost. It’s a dance you have to play, they need the refusal documentation, but were able to pay for meds that my husbands insurance could not cover.

I’ve been told to continue to follow testing measures, etc, keeping documentation. When he turns 18, we’ll need it to get him on SS.

I’m confused STILL by this subject. I know I have some facts wrong, as the world of SS does not seem to make sense to me. I talk to lawyers, and listen, and apply…it seems to come back to husbands income. I had one representative tell me to DIVORCE husband, file independently and son will qualify. Had a lawyer recommend this too. The lawyer had clients who did this. I’m not comfortable with this direction at all. Our relationship has been through enough without adding this. Even if we don’t “mean” it.

Just our journey. Every time we move, I pack and drag these documents with me. Each time they want to know what State I filed in last time? Would I please file again…they need the denial for this or that.

We’ve been fortunate in that husband really, really pushes for GREAT medical coverage with each employer. We learned the hard way to look at all the little components of insurance coverage. (I’m still learning.)


I found this link on another thread. I don’t know how to post the thread itself, but here’s the link someone put up. It’s really great, at least for me, as it explains so much about SSI…


Hi Lisa ,

Just a quick update ! my son’s meds Abilify seem to be working and things are better and stable. i hope all well with you .



Important correction on this:

Husband and I were talking about this time period just the other day.

He reminded me that son did NOT qualify for SSI. What happened, was that I qualified for severe PTSD. They paid ME…and then wanted a refund for overpayment.

We applied for both of us.

For our son, they said he needed a year of symptoms without medication. (We have the letter still.)

Sorry for the confusion…I forgot completely that the coverage was for me.

NOTHING for son…ever.


Hi ! Your life sounds identical to mine , with husband and son and feeling bad to even make a nami session . It’s so hard and mentally draining . It makes me doubt my marriage at times which saddens me . (My husband is my sons step father ) it’s come to the point that I do what needs to be done for my son and what ever the outcome with my husband will be will be . I’ve almost come to except we may not be together in the future . My son is sick and I will not abandon him no matter what age he is . He just turned 20 and my husband says he’s an adult and I should let him be and face life . He doesn’t understand his schizophrenia and refuses to come to nami with me . My son lives in students apartments and I see him once or twice a week and get the silent treatment from my husband when I get home . Unbearable. I try to get him used to it , I know he despises when I see my son but that’s not going to change .


@Linda - I put my son first as well. My BF is supportive but we all couldn’t live together anymore. For us, I think, the issue was my BF never knew my son when he was well. We still date now and see each other regularly. I am sorry that your husband is not supportive. He may not really believe your son is ill - at least that was the case for us at the beginning.


I see my son and my husband as equally important parts of my life, but recognize that my son’s need for support is greater than my husband’s!

My hubby and I went thru a bit of a rough patch last year, but I think we have worked thru it. My one-day-a-week off has been part off that, as I recognized I needed to pull back a little from my involvement with my son, and take care of me, in part by taking care of my relationship with my husband. We are even planning a vacation, which we haven’t done the last few years.

I will always try to help my son live the best life possible, but without completely sacrificing my life.


Hi Diane ,
I don’t think he cares about his illness , he just believes that my son is an adult and should live his life without my help . Im now seeing a therapist as this is too much to handle , feels good to talk to someone about it , thank you .


I feel i give so much to both and not enough to myself . I see my son once a week for a few hours and address his needs and my husband makes it clearly obvious he is unhappy about that even though the rest of my time I’m with him . its just very sad but i deal with it and do what i need to do .


It’s great that you’re taking some time for yourself, Vallpen! I read something (maybe on this site) comparing self-care being similar to the oxygen masks coming down in a plane - you need to put your own oxygen mask on first before assisting others.

Is respite care available in your area? I don’t know if your son would be open to someone coming by and checking on him (or checking on ‘the house’) while you’re on vacation. Or a relative or a friend?


I think his dad is going to come to town during that time. He hasn’t completely committed yet. If he doesn’t, yes, I will figure out some alternative.


and now seems like a good time for a bump.


@Hereandhere and @hope You two are cracking me up!


I haven’t read the entire thread, but I hope that your husband has made progress on at least trying not to exacerbate your son’s symptoms.

My Dad went about it differently, but the end result was the same for a few years.
My dad had his own obsessive and absurd conspiracy theories which he would talk about often, especially with my SzA brother.
My dad would tell him that Schizophrenia isn’t real and he should trust the “voice in his head” about things ((clearly, my dad did not understand the core concept of hallucinations)).
Several years and many conversations later, my dad has become less absurd himself and learned how to talk to my brother about helpful, meaningful and positive things.

I hope your husband has made similar changes to the way he chooses to interact with your son.

I think a big part of miscommunication, or poisonous interaction (especially among family) is not really feeling like our words have any meaning to the people we care about.
A big mission of mine has been to help friends and family feel like their words and actions matter. That they make a big difference.
We all know what it’s like to have our words fall on deaf ears. We all know what it’s like to try hard and see no effect.
It’s miserable. The long term is that we do anything, say anything. Either to illicit a response, or only because we honestly feel like it doesn’t make a difference.

I hope your husband has learned that his temperment and his words make a profound difference. If he doesn’t know it already, I hope you can help him see it.


Like your dad, my husband has made strides toward understanding our son’s situation. He is still highly fearful of Jeb and is never in his presence. The delusions Jeb has about his dad have become deeply engrained. It is for the best that they are not together. There are other families in this sort of situation.

When Jeb did drive off to move away. My husband said he thought he would be so happy to see Jeb leave. He said instead he felt nothing but worry for Jeb as he left.

Husband has done a lot of self examination over these last 10 months. I have realized that you just can’t expect someone to handle a situation that they are not able to handle. He is much more sensitive about what he says to me in regards to Jeb. When we do have a situation - like when Jeb called and wasn’t sure where he was and wanted us to have someone pick him up, we do work together much better than before.

Its a process, I am grateful he continues to work to understand and be supportive.

I wish we had a similar thread for men who have wives who freak out during psychotic episodes. At the live support group I used to attend, we had many men who were taking the lead in regards to their family member with scz. There are a lot of married people going it alone out there. Sometimes the forum is just a good place to rant.


“Sometimes the forum is just a good place to rant.”
The forum is always a good place to rant!
I’m sure tons of people here would agree, ranting online is a lot more healthy than bottling up, or flipping out on family!
Really glad to hear that your husband is working on being your ally in crisis. That’s when it counts the most.

Something I noticed about the Wreklus family:
We are pretty damn sharp when it comes to managing immediate crisis.
It is the normal day-to-day where we are each working on being better.

Something reassuring in knowing each person sees their short-comings and does their work to overcome, however slowly.


Its a long journey of slow progress for many of our family members after they are on meds. Hard to be patient and supportive day in and day out when progress often needs to be measured in years.