I’m sorry this will be long, but I’m at a loss right now.
My husband (38) and I (36) have been married for 2 years this month. We’ve been together for 3.5, and have a son that’s 1. My husband told me when we were still dating that he had schizophrenia, and that he had been off medication for 2 years. He had a great job, a small apartment, we talked at great length about what we want out of a relationship and the future. We were definitely on the same page with each other, were supportive of each other’s individual interests and made sure that we both had time to pursue our life goals.
Almost a year ago, I was on maternity leave taking care of our son. I was suffering from post-partum depression, and had just gotten on medication. During that time, he had been convincing me to not return to my social work job due to the worry of COVID. He also started taking college classes in hopes that he could break into a different technology field.
I think due to the stress of commuting 2 hours a day, buying a house, getting married, having a baby, and starting college all within a year of each other took its toll, and he had a snap. Since then, he has claimed that he saw himself in the back seat of his car, dying, and that he needed to be buried. After “burying” him during one of his drives alone, he stated that his name was now IO, and that the old him was gone.
Since then, I’ve been doing my best to try to be supportive and reduce as much stress for him as possible while trying to balance out life with a new baby and a 7 year old that I had from a previous relationship. He had quit school (partly due to the fact he had a breakdown and destroyed his office) and his previous job, and I picked up a part time job while he worked full time locally. He has offered criticisms constantly, accused me of cheating on him, claimed that my family is out to turn me against him. He spent hours a day in his office, and barely interacted with me and the kids aside from going on for hours at a time about religion and politics. 3 months into his new job, he insisted he had to quit due to stress, so I picked up a full time job at a place he insisted on. He has remained a stay-at-home dad at his request.
Since he had the episode when he quit his original job, I have done my best at being supportive over his various business ideas that never panned out, never pressured him over any affection or intimacy, and never complained about chores left unfinished, mostly because I was finally coming out of post-partum depression and understood that any little positive step is good, even if it’s merely a day for self-care. Still, he would accuse me of having boyfriends in the background, or that I was lazy and that I was toxic. I tried not to let it get to me as I knew he was still suffering from the incident.
Things had gotten slightly better as he stayed home. He was finally interested in interacting with his son, though his attitude towards my daughter got worse over time. I was thinking that we may have found a balance until he’s ready to talk about going back to therapy. Unfortunately a week ago, he got angry over a small box from Christmas I threw away that hadn’t been broken down yet, and it propped open the garbage a bit. I had gotten home from work sick that day, but was still trying to help him clean up after the baby and needing to replace our broken refrigerator. That caused him to have a sudden snap and he threw his head into our drywall, knocking himself unconscious and giving himself a concussion. He has now decided that we need a divorce.
He refuses help and medication, and has decided that the only thing he needs at this point is to live alone, wants 50/50 custody of our son, and that he plans on finding a place where he can be technology free, including phone-free, and has these grand plans to build video games during the day, and sell shaved ice and possibly start growing mushrooms (non psychedelic) for income.
He claims that he still loves me, and that we could still “be intimate” as long as we don’t find someone else, and that he just needs this lifestyle change and he will be fine. He refuses to believe there is a problem.
I don’t know what to do at this point. I love him deeply despite his personality shifting dramatically from what it was, and I want to help him. I’m not sure if I should just go along with it and accept the fact that the husband that I knew and loved is gone, or if I should push even harder for him to stay.