At breaking point and started.divorce proceeding with Schizophrenic husband. Not sure I can go through with it

I will start by saying I love my husband dearly. No matter how horrible, irresponsible or verbally abusive or delusional he has been, I still love him so so much and I think I always will. We met young as students and have been together 12 and a half yrs, married 5 and a half.

After years of him getting worse and worse despite taking meds ( he hates taking them though) I finally cracked. He is bad with money and wastes it on buying stuff all the time, and always demands it off me. He accuses meof awful, awful things. He gets fired from job after job. He started a business that failed drained his savings and still won’t give up on it even now. I gave up my dreams for him like back packing, travelling, teaching abroad. I turned down a promotion for him because he was paranoid about my new colleagues.

The NHS (UK ) said it was a one time psychosis and he will get better with meds… he only got worse. They basically left.me.to look after him once he was discharged from hospital and said his symptoms would go with time and meds. I said something else was undiagnosed, something long term but they told me to drop it and i wasn’t helping him chasing a diagnosis. Then they discharged him from community support despite medicine and counselling not helping just because he wasn’t ill enough to go to hospital. The paranoia and delusions never left. The bad money habits got worse. He was always going off sick from work.

He got worse and worse in his treatment and verbal abuse to me and expected me to pay for him and do most of the household chores and cooking etc. He got got fired again for threatening behaviour and blamed ME. That was the final straw and I filed for divorce for him not taking responsibility and refusing to get more meds or see a doctor or try to get a job. I still paid for everything and let him live with me… weeks later he woke me ranting and shouting in another psychosis and nearly harmed my pets and he stole my phone, wrestled it off me so I couldn’t get help. Neighbours called the police and i packed my bags and left with my pets while he was sectioned again.

He living in my home on stronger meds and has some Community support again. This time they diagnosed him with Paranoid Schizophrenia.

He is asking for another chance and saying if I give him a list things will change. But I’m scared after what happened and he is still angry and bitter I ‘got him locked in hospital again’ and does not think he should have been sectioned. But I still love him so so much and long for the man was once was and the life we planned together that I am not sure can happen, like having a baby, me doing some mini travels as solo trips. Maybe buying a house one day.

I am crippled by indecision and am going round in circles in my head.

Has anyone else had to decide this? Do things ever change? I am only 32 and am scared I will always love him and will.regret walking away, but I have already spent my youth and good years looking after him and helping him, putting him before myself.

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No…i left abusive narcissistic man but not with psychosis…i think if it was me id probably leave but try to get him help
.does he have other family?
I have same with son…but put up with it as mother …but not sure how long as wife…id try though to get help…which seems impossible…as it is with kid…out psychologist said paranoid schitxo is hardest to fix because they dont trust any one to get treatment

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Thank you for reply.

He has a brother abroad who is not interested in helping him and only advice is to try and get us back together again- only so he doesn’t have to deal with it or help him himself.

I have tried to help as much as I can, told his new care coordinator he doesn’t ask for help when he needs it, submitted a complaint to the hospital for neglect and am still paying the bills for the flat I am currently letting him live in rent free as he is unemployed: but it’s my home and this will need to change at some point as I am not living in the home I pay for. I live in a relative’s spare room right now.

When I try and give him advice or tell him off for spending money he doesn’t have ( then he cries he doesn’t have food and will starve) we end up arguing again over money. I really want him to change his ways and improve his quality of life but he only seems to find the motivation if I agree to take him back and stop the divorce. I wanted him to get better for himself, not just for me. I worry it won’t last if it’s only to win me back.

I know I need to make a decision and can’t go on like this forever but it is so hard. I think of the life we could have if he managed his illness but wonder if I am chasing a pipe dream, but I love him and wish we could have our life together. But his illness got so bad I was being breadwinner earning the money, housewife doing all the work and carer looking after him. I was exhausted and unhappy. But he says he can change…

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That is so hard…i feel.for you…whatever you do is your decision…probably need some support group or such. I need that…i went to one for awhile and was good.

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I’ve thought about a support group, I don’t think there are for schizophrenia carers.specifically in my area and much of the support is during working hours. But I guess that doesn’t change that I need to make a decision at some point.

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Hello, Chai
Sorry about what your going through. It kind of seems with you around him, he has it made. There is no reason other than love of you (and for himself) for him to try to get better. He seems from what I read to be using you as a crutch to lean on which is fine if he is truly trying to get better but… I’m not sure he is. I totally get that you feel responsible, what if!?? something happens to him if you walk away ( I know that is one of your fears). And I think talking to people or a specialist can tell you he probably will not change unless he absolutely has to and with SZ that may never happen anyway. I think you need some me time and he needs to find out what it is like to not have you supporting him. But I have no idea how you would get him out of the apartment and be able to stop supporting him. Is there anyway to do a trial separation and get him evicted out of the apartment. Ugg! Crap! I suppose it may have to be all or nothing. I hope you have some support, I know how depressing it can be around someone with Sz on the bad days. Because of the mistrust and accusations, leads to heart ache, tears, anger, wanting to give up on everything. Please keep your spirits up. Its sounds like your a really good person and this is not your fault or his but the consequences of it are horrible. Hope to hear from you more! hugs and best wishes being sent your way.

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Yeah he is having to learn to do things for himself now like shopping, cooking and form filling. At the moment he can’t get by without me helping financially though.

I would like to do trial separation ideally, but as he doesn’t have a job I don’t think this is possible. He will need the money from the divorce to move out so it that’s why I am.struggling with indecision. It’s all so final. I just wish he was in a position to separate first and support himself so we can really think about it and maybe try dating again to bring back the trust.

I am scared if we divorce he will be unable to find and keep a job and they money will go or he will spend it unwisely due to the SZ and become homeless. Even divorced I would still worry and care about him.

My sister is concerned I will take out a big loan to buy him out the home and divorce but then I won’t be able to go through with making him leave, or a.little while later he will lose all the money and be homeless and hungry and I will let him back in depending on me again as an ex husband

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I divorced my sz ex husband.Yes it was very hard, but I do not regret my decision. We are both doing better as friends.
My advice: save yourself.
It helped that I knew he could go back to his mom’s house and live —an option no one liked.
Will his brother take him on? Does he have a place to stay?

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Hi Jan,

What lead to your decision to divorce him? Did you ever give him chances to turn things around?

He phoned me today pleading for us to forgive and forget as he loves me and I love him. He wants to be more independent and responsible for me and will sticknwith a higher dose of meds. But he still doesn’t agree on some of the issues that led to him being sectioned, he still thinks his life was in danger and I think it was paranoia / delusions. That’s what worries me that he doesn’t recognise when he is ill.

Also that i do want someone I live with to help pay bills, I don’t want to have to pay for him forever. He has applied for jobs now but I am worried he won’t succeed or be able to keep it. It sounds selfish but if I may not travel or have a family or a nice home, I at least want the nice holidays and to do nice things in my free time, but because i am the only earner for 2 I can’t afford to go on holidays even.

I’m not sure his family will help him but getting him on the plane without me holding his hand will be a challenge

In my case, he started drinking and became violent. That was the final straw.
Where is your partner now? Are you like Cingular separately?

He has never ever been violent and does not have a drinking problem. The last straw when I filed for divorce was when he get fired from work- again- for being aggressive and threatening other staff when a work item went missing because he took no fault for his actions and blamed me! He was clearly becoming unwell and refused to see a doctor or take more meds and blamed me for all his problems and was verbally abusive.

I lived with him during the divorce as he was unemployed and had no money, until one night his psychosis become and he woke me up shouting at me accusing me of animal.abuse and tried put my indoor cat in the street to ‘play’ in the middle of the night- we live in a block of flats, high up. I never would have seen her again. When I tried to call the police he wrestled my phone off me. I was so scared I packed a bag and my two cats and left.

He was taken by the police and sectioned in a mental hospital under the mental health act. He is now out and is taking high medicine dosage and engages with community support, but he is still depending on me to pay the bills even though I am staying a a spare room with family.

So he is trying but I still can’t commit to going back and trying again but am.struggling to go through with the divorce because we so both love each other. I know he wants to do better but I am not sure it’s possible or realistic.

It will get better.
I still mourn my marriage breakup, but I don’t regret not living with him.
I had to support my ex financially for about a year after our separation. I felt morally obligated.
Hang in there. Give it more time. Stay strong.
Get therapy if you can. It helped me.

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I’m so torn. One day I nearly cave and go back to give the marriage another chance. The next I am 100% divorcing him again.

How did your financial support come to an end. I worry- and my sister does- I will just be paying for him forever even after divorce because he will just keep running out of money and be at risk of starving or homelessness or huge debts. Because I will always worry about him and want to help him if he is in trouble.

I think it is very normal to waver on a decision to divorce. Just remember that you felt you needed to leave and start the divorce for reasons that made sense at that time, probably still make sense, and are important to you. Of course you still love him, and you wish the marriage would have worked out.

I left an abusive angry man six times before I finally divorced him. It was terrible when we were together, and we would be kinder to each other when I left each time. He always talked me into coming back, and it slid back into the terrible marriage (either slowly or quickly) each time I went back. Prolonging the divorce that way, over several years, was not good for me mentally. I was a wreck when I finally left him the last time in 2009.

You will always remember how you love your husband. But you left for reasons that are important. I say you need to just push through with the divorce. But only you are in charge of your future, so you could change your mind. Good luck.

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It hurts my heart to read your story! I’ve been together with my wife for 16 years and I’ve experienced quite a bit moren than I bargained for. I’ll get back to you in a few days when I have a pc in front of me, I’m typing this on my phone. If you haven’t heard from med until saturday evening then please remind me cause I’d really would like to discuss this issues with you.
Have a nice week😉

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Sometimes I feel guilty because I read other people’s stories and they are harder with the spouse being physically aabusive struggling with addictions and I think mine isn’t that bad.

But it was exhausting being the only financial provider, managing the household bills, cooking and most of the cleaning and often I couldn’t have normal conversations or relax at the end of the day because ofnhisnparanoia and delusions and his fears are all he wanted to talk about. Like no one will hire me because they only hire people with blue eyes, or the government is trying to sabotage me etc. It felt more like I was a mother than a wife.

When he worked, although it was hard dealing with his paranoia of colleagues, his announcements he had to.quit for his personal safety, and the amount of sick days he took, at least we did have nice things to look forward to like holidays and future plans we saved up for. Now I pay for every thing alone it’s all the stress without being able to do anything exciting with my annual leave. I’m still young and now the years slip by with no future plans or holidays and me worrying about his health and money. We weren’t a team in the last yew.years of our marriage, everything was on me as the carer and only earner.

But we have had a lot of good times and enjoy each other’s company when he isn’t unwell. I just wish I could ask the future, ‘does he get better? Does he hold down some sort of work? Do the higher dose of meds work?’

That’s why it feels so hard to figure out what to do. Things could improve and I might have left the person I love without giving them a chance. But also I could just more of the same and it might be harder to leave next time or I just drag it out leaving him and that might be worse for him.

He has talked about returning to his home country but the mental health support is worse there

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Hi, thanks it would be good to hear your story. It’s hard being a spouse in this situation because people don’t understand why you put up with it and are with them, but there is still glimmers of the person you love there. But then it doesn’t really feel like a team or an equal partnership if one spouse is doing everything because the other is not well enough help

I have been the main and now only earner. My job is well paid but stressful but I can’t afford to leave for something easier. I have done all the household admin like paying paying bills, done most hoousework and cooking, been the main carer for the pets and my husband. And I’m so tired.

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Hello again!

I understand that you are in the UK which means that you’re only 1 or 2 hours behind me (I’m in Norway). So if its OK with you I’d love to talk to you on Messenger, but then you first have to provide me with your Facebook ID, or you can search me up by looking for Erling Andreassen. I don’t use Facebook very much so you may have to try more than one person. Anyways I’m dealing with a schizoaffective (bipolar subtype) wife that I’d love to tell you more about…

Erling

ons. 17. aug. 2022 kl. 13:41 skrev Chai_Tiney_Latte via Family and Caregiver Schizophrenia Discussion Forum <notifications@family-sch.discoursemail.com>:

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Re ending financial support: do what you can to get him benefits (don’t know how it works in the UK).
You don’t have to support him forever.

You have already done the hard part by leaving. Trust your instincts. Don’t go back.

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I am trying with benefits but once he gets the divorce settlement he won’t be entitled to any. I’m worried he will lose all that money and have no future, then come.back begging me as may be at risk of homelessness.

Government benefits are so little even before the divorce money it’s just enough for him to eat so I’m paying for everything.

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