I don't know if I can love him anymore (new here)

Family
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I am new here, I have been in a relationship with my schizophrenic boyfriend for almost two years now, living together for about 18 months. I love him, but some days (like today) I don’t feel like I can do it anymore, and maybe I don’t want to.

He isn’t taking his medication as he is supposed to, and as gently as I have been trying to suggest he take it he hasn’t listened. He gets angry with me, blames me for his illness, says I am making him sick. He asks me repeatedly if I am mad at him, or what my problem is, but despite telling him I am not mad, he keeps believing I am, and so he gets angry with me.

He says many hurtful things, and when I reach my breaking point and end up crying he gets even angrier with me for crying. The worst part of all of it is that he phones his relatives daily and tells them how horrible I am, how I am always fighting with him.

I do everything I can to avoid expressing my feelings to him, because he considers that an argument. He has on many occasions yelled at me while I have said nothing and in the end accused me of fighting with him without me uttering a single word.

When he is normal he is the nicest most loving man I have ever met, but inside of him is a monster. It is like living with Jekyll and Hyde. And when he is experiencing his delusions he is frightening, so frightening that I sometimes feel like my life is in danger, in fact he has threatened to hurt/kill me on multiple occasions.
I left him once and went to a shelter, but he apologized and said he was sorry and how he can’t control it, how he wanted me to come home, how he loved me and he would take medication.

He is now taking it, but not how he is supposed to. He just started the abilify injection, and was told to keep taking the pills because the injection wont kick in for a couple of weeks, but he has been refusing to take them.
I feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells, and as much as I love him and want to be here for him and help him, I just don’t know how much of this I can take.

I would appreciate any advice about my situation, I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know if it’s worth it anymore.

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Hello lobibaby,

I’ve been in a relationship with a schizophrenic man for almost 25 years now. He always takes his meds when he is supposed to. I have never loved anyone more in my life as I do him. Cuurrently my 45 year old daughter is in her disease. We believe that she is a danger to herself. She doesn’t take any medications. When her doctor gives her an anti-psychotic she might take it for a few days and then stops. She reminds me that there is nothing wrong with her. I am just besides myself with fear and anxiety. I don’t know where to begin

Cathy

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You have a major decision to make. You could remain in your current relationship or you could leave. Its all about choices.
If you remain you are accepting the ups and downs of his condition for the rest of your life, you are choosing the 50% chance of having a child with this disease (and, all the challenges that come with that child) you are choosing moments of beauty vs months of abuse. You can be his care giver; if you accept that roll it is best if you begin reading all you can on the disease, get a theapist of your own (to help you manage the emotional rollercoaster you are on and to help your spirit not be broken)
If you choose to make a plan and leave the relationship your current boyfriend will survive and will eventually meet another person. You will have made a choice for the possibility of having a loving relationship with another individual, of having your needs met and being appreciated for the effort you put into the relationship. Either way, its your choice.

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I’m writing to tell you a little bit of my story. It’s not the same as what you are going through, but it may help.

My husband and I have been married almost 5 years, together 6. He’s always been different. Conspiracy theorist, intense. Intensely loving and protective, too, if that makes sense. At the beginning of our relationship he sent cards, emails, texts, wrote I love you in snow, flower petals, etc. Again, he was different than anyone I had ever met. He served in 2 branches of the military and has PTSD and a TBI. I began to think he had high functioning Autism or Aspergers, but none of that mattered to me. I am a special education teacher so I was comfortable with a lot of his oddness. Rapid mood swings. Depression. Adrenaline causing behaviors.

About 2 1/2 years ago he had a spiritual awakening and God spoke to him. Things started changing. God told him all the knowledge in the universe. He began saying God told him if he stays here he will die. We needed to buy a boat due to a tidal wave or flood coming (we live 4 hours inland). Fast forward a year and a half. He was in full blown delusuons. He had a mind control implant. He could control the weather, read people’s thoughts even from things they had touched and got briefings from high level government. He was to be president. Songs on the radio were written for him. 3 months ago he realized he had amnesia he had awakened from. He had been a CIA sex slave used in rituals. He had babies with Madonna, Prince (who was a woman named Patty), Joan Rivers (?!?!l). He signed an entertainment license in the 90s and his life was made into movies. He has 2 fixed delusions about me being in lzw enforcement and abductubg my children. He thinks we may be secret siblings. Everything he says is recorded. 2 months ago he destroyed my children’s rooms when we were not home in a total psychotic break. He has been basically homeless for 9 weeks, staying with his mother when he can. He went into the hospital last night voluntarily.

This is my point. Your bf is aware of his condition and is being treated. Mine is not. He doesn’t seem to have the delusions mine does. Drugs don’t seem to be a problem. Mine seems much more severe at this point than your bf. What I would say is that this is a lifetime disease, that may periodically worsen. Research says that people with the disease may have difficulty taking medication. If you decide to stay, have the boundaries I did not have. Decide what yours are, whether it is staying in treatment, whatever. People here can tell you better than I, but I would think he needs to know the boundaries you have set for your own safety and emotional health. Live by them. Watch out for being codependent if you can- try to keep your own life.

Only you can decide what to do. After all I have experienced, I still lean toward wanting to reconcile. If you want to be with him, be prepared to hear from others who haven’t experienced this why you should not. If you want children think very carefully, not because of the genetic component, but the difficulty in having a child where you may be the primary caretaker. Just think through every issue you can, educate yourself, and decide what you want to do for you. You don’t have to decide today or now. I would say, though, even though you don’t need it and probably never will, think of an emergency safety strategy for you.

Your situation is not like mine and hopefully will never be, but that is what I would want someone to say to me if I was in your shoes. Good luck! You will do what is right for you when you need to do something!

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I have been through something similar with a family member. I wish someone had spoken to me with ‘tough love’, as I agonized and wept and spent so much time not knowing what to do.

Here are my two cents…

You have to take care of yourself. That is your primary responsibility. I would suggest focusing on getting grounded, such as in a 12-step program (Al-Anon or Emotions Anonymous). In working a program you will find that the Serenity Prayer will work in your situation and then you will be able to determine what choices to make. Best wishes to you.

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I don’t really think that suggesting that I attend al-anon or pray is helpful, but thanks anyway.