Family and Caregiver Schizophrenia Discussion Forum

My schizophrenic boyfriend is so cruel to me


#1

I love him. He’s always been volatile and unstable but always showed he loved me. He proposed to me a month ago in France and since then almost every day he is horrible to me, shouting, swearing, even spitting at me a few days ago. Now he has totally withdrawn from me, when i’m crying because yet again he is being horrible, telling me if i don’t like it i should just leave him. My family and friends have all invested in him and don’t know how awful he can be. I don’t know what to do, should i put my feelings aside and let him be the way he is because he has schizophrenia? I’m a mess tonight, so hurt and confused.


#2

Is he on medication?

I’m sorry you’re going through that. It sounds awful.


#3

he’s just done another meds reduction and refuses to take any more or go to the doctor. Thanks for reply, i just feel like I’m on my own, so lonely. his hostility is frightening because he absolutely shows no care for me at all, i feel like he hates me. He has decided to sleep downstairs tonight because he doesn’t want to be near me :frowning:


#4

I would seriously consider whether you are able to manage this type of situation which can frequently occur with a schizophrenic. It is emotionally draining and takes a toll. It is just because at times like these he is unwell but these periods take up most resilience.


#5

hi mouse. Yes i know, i’ve been with him for 4 years, and i understand mental illness and try so hard to be unconditionally giving. but i think I’m facing burnout, and the worse i get, the more cruel he gets. i know that as caregivers we are supposed to just take it all, but sometimes i find it so hard. Perhaps i can’t cope. i feel like I’m going mad myself


#6

Look, don’t blame schizophrenia for his personality. Most of us on this forum are very respectful of everyone. Sure we might have times where we are freaking out, but we look for help, not someone to take it out on. I have never shouted at my fiancé and I never would. Don’t let him use his sickness as an excuse. He sounds like he is being emotionally manipulative to avoid working on himself.

He may be a good soul who is struggling, but it is never okay for your partner to be disrespectful.


#7

Yes I agree… he lacks awareness needed to hold down a loving and respectful relationship… I am sorry for you sincerely. Would a holiday away from it all help clear your mind?


#8

No your not… your human too… and if he’s not stable he’s going to get worse. You have every right NOT to be abused and spit on…

There are boundaries… and consequences for actions… you can let him know you love him… but you don’t need to put up with his verbal and near physical abuse.

Again… you can be there for him as a friend… but until he’s stable… it’s going to get worse and worse for you.

Please consider taking a break from this situation and letting yourself heal.


#9

I would give him an ultimatum - get his med’s adjusted or live without you. No one should have to take what you’re taking.


#10

I get this way. You can some comfort in the fact that he probably hates it a lot more than you do.

For me, it comes from delusions of persecution. You always feel like people are being critical of you, and sometimes they are and it’ll set you off, because i’m not the type to get scared, i’m the type to gets angry.

I’d strongly advise trying to learn and understand his symptoms and thought patterns. It’s possible he won’t be able to explain, you just have to watch his behaviors. Before I was diagnosed, when I was living in CA my best friend was pretty severe, but when spent a lot of time together and eventually it got easier to figure out where he was at.

From there it’s just learning how to help them through his symptoms. It’s kinda like fencing sometimes.


#11

http://coda.org/

(For those who believe that there is someone holding a gun to their heads.)


#12

Agreed.

That’s something that bugs me. Just because someone has mental illness like sz doesn’t mean that it makes them a complete jerk. That’s personality issue it sounds like.


#13

It can. I get very aggressive sometimes, I was pretty fucked up before symptoms started showing up. I was abused as a child, and spent the past 7 months wandering around California. I grew up being used to dangerous situations, but now i’m delirious most of the time and it’s very easy to not understand and just feel.


#14

I can be quite aggressive as well but I don’t really attribute it to MI . I attribute it to anger issues.
Manic moods can exasperate it.


#15

Aggression is definitely a part of schizophrenia and not just personality, although I’m sure many with sz don’t experience the anger. But that doesn’t mean you should put up with it. Yes, it probably sucks for him too, but you should not allow him to abuse you. If this is how he gets when he reduces meds then he shouldn’t have reduced them. If it’s not meds then he needs to learn how to deal with it. But you have no obligation to stay with him and let him abuse you until he figures it out - that’ll make you go crazy.

I was really aggressive towards my ex for months after I got ill and when I started taking meds and realized what I was doing I managed to change (it took a few tries and some time). And no, this wasn’t personality, it was schizophrenia. It came with the illness and I had to learn how to deal with it.


#16

Most sz are not like that , at least the ones on here. But I feel I know his type. How long are you in a relationship with him. Since before or after the sz? Sorry your havn a hard time.


#17

If there is one thing that I have learned from removing my ex-wife from my life is that when you are deep in the much of an unhealthy relationship, it can be very difficult to have perspective of what you are going through.

My wife was severely MI for the last 4 years of our marriage. She refused treatment and would scream at me that everyone else was sick and needed treatment, not her.

I spent 4 long years watching as my children and myself became more withdrawn, frightened of angering her, depressed, etc… It wasn’t healthy for anyone, but I kept wanting to giver her a chance.

She left about 2 months ago, and in the last 2 months I have had a string of horrible luck, from my daughter breaking her arm, me breaking my ankle. A string of issues with work related to the fact that I don’t have someone to watch the kids anymore. It’s been terrible. But as terrible as that has been, it has still been the best 2 months I have experienced in the last 4 years. I no longer deal with the daily emotional abuse. My son doesn’t call me at work to let me know that Mommy started drinking at 11am and is flipping out on him and his sister. We no longer have to walk on egg shells just because the other person living with us is mentally unstable. It has been liberating and enlightening, and I can’t believe that I let someone control my life to such a degree for the past 4 years.

Right not you are stuck in a similar place to where I was. And I know the heart ache that you must be feeling trying to figure out what you can do for him. But the problem is that he is a grown adult and you can’t force him to do anything. You can threaten, you can mandate, but when push comes to shove it will be his decision to get treatment or not.

If I were you, I would immediately break off the engagement, and tell him that unless he gets treatment it is over. I would probably just leave, but I can see that you really want to try to make things work. So I would say that if he gets treatment and continues on the treatment plan you can discuss marriage again, but if that doesn’t happen you should prepare yourself to leave. You don’t deserve to have him treat you cruelly, you deserve someone that can love you and be there for you. And realize that marriage is a long time, with how he is treating you currently, do you see being with him in 5-10 years? 20 years?

Now, another angle you may not have considered, SZ has a genetic component to it. Those who have SZ usually have a relative that has/had SZ as well. Do you want to risk having children with him, knowing that there is a chance that they may be predisposed to getting SZ when they get older?


#18

What does MI mean?

My aggressive tendencies of late are most certainly a symptom, resulting from what I think is a false sense of persecution in stressful situations as well as a history of being the subject of violence from people very close to me. I’m not a child anymore, it doesn’t turn into fear, it turns into hostility and aggression. It’s not controlled at all, and i’ll lose sense of what happens. I haven’t lashed out physically at anyone, but i’ve gotten into many very ridiculous extended arguments.

Often about things I don’t care about at all, on social media if I get into an argument with somebody, often times I cannot stop, regardless of whether I even care or not. I’ve estranged everyone I know who holds conservative viewpoints by now I think.


#19

Mental illness 15 characters


#20

Sounds like your boyfriend needs to get some military-ish (or worse) discipline.

Taze him.

Jk, I have been a good boyfriend, like seriously sweet and I come from a disciplined background to say the least. I am dangerous, and I was taught to respect how dangerous I am. More like trained to respect it. If I lose my shit, I do it with myself to myself alone and ask for help, I dont attack people.

However this is Mouse after years of medication, top-notch therapy, and also higher education in psychology speaking. When I was an insane (legally insane) freshman, I became belligerent, slapped some people, spit on them, and then was surrounded by seven cops. I was super drunk and on antidepressants and no meds for psychosis. I didnt take meds for psychosis because I thought I wasnt psychotic, not because I wasnt offered them, instead I was told to take them and was like “go fuck yourself.”

He needs to attend support groups and workshops and watch lectures about his illness. Psychoeducation is the name for that. Facilitating understanding and accepting the illness. I have had lots of it and am pursuing graduate school in psychology. It has made me able to handle some serious shit and still function pretty remarkably well. My case is chronic with acute exacerbation, which means it is really bad. I have been taught skills to handle myself. Doesnt mean I dont need help. I am still in therapy and probably always will be.