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I tried to end my life bc I can't seem to help him


#1

This is a real difficult subject for me to discuss. But I feel the need to get this out because I’m hoping that I’m not the only one in this position. My son has had schizophrenia and borderline personality disorder for over 10 years now. I have tried every doctor psychiatrist psychologist hospital in treatment outpatient treatment tried to have him involuntarily committed went to nami groups. Tried every kind of medication I believe there is on the market and nothing is working my son is getting worse and the threats against me you’re getting worse. So Tuesday night I decided that I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up in 30 years and hopefully he would be better. I ended up taking 33 Xanaxs. Luckily my ex-husband called and got worried about me and called my dad to come and check on me and the ambulance got me to the hospital on time. When the mental health care people came to talk to me they asked me was I really tried to kill myself and I told them that I was trying to remove myself from the situation that I could not fix and that apparently no one else could either. I explained the severity of my sons illness and the heartbreak that me as a mom feels. I am the only one he has. Nobody else wants to be around him. Their solution was for me to put him in a group home or something like that. But what I find interesting is that the people telling me to do this don’t have children with this brain disorder. How can I turn my back on my son who has a brain disorder that he cannot help? But at the same time how can I keep myself safe? I honestly do not know what to do. And I’m being as transparent as I possibly can be to you and everyone around me. I feel so alone because I don’t have any friends and nobody wants to come over because of my son. They are scared. I don’t know what else to say. I’m just in A very low spot right now and can’t seem to find my way out. I am back home and my son is staying at a friends house not sure when he’s coming back. I’m pouring out my heart to you hoping that I’m not the only one that’s done this tried this Or felt this way. Please keep me and your son in your prayers. Love to you all


#2

I understand how you feel Sheyelo. I think we all go into a deep depression at times. I know I did. When I found out my daughter had sz and was getting worse, I sat staring at the wall and getting mad and then crying for about two weeks. I could not move. I had pulled a nerve in my shoulder and went to the doctor to get help with the pain. I was asked if I had problems with depression and I could not stop crying even though I didn’t go there for that. I said I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. The doctor referred me to a mental health doctor who put me on antidepressants and anxiety meds. They were adjusted a few times throughout the following months but I rarely have that feeling anymore. It’s been almost 2 years since my daughter’s diagnosis any many, many med changes and adjustments but I can now see improvements in her. Through lots of trial and error I have also changed my way of talking to her and dealing with her. There is light at the end of this tunnel. It just takes awhile to see it. I hope you have a good mental health provider looking out for you also. Much love and prayer to you and your son.


#3

So sorry, can totally understand you. You haven’t got friends you say, can you maybe find some new interests? Do,you have any pets? I know my dog keeps me sane at times. We are all here for,you , just at the end of a computer .

Sending thoughts and prayers to you.


#4

My daughter is schizoaffective. She is 34 years old and our family first recognized she has a serious mental illness when she was 19 years old. I was like you. I did everything I can possibly think of to help and advocate for my daughter. I read a lot about mi, became active at NAMI, trolled sz.com for many years, etc, etc. I felt very hopeful in the beginning and I thought I could fix her by exposing her through various treatment modalities. She met her boyfriend and had two children with him and I thought she was fine – however she wasn’t living with me so I didn’t know or didn’t want to know how truly sick she is.

This all changed about 3 years ago when I ended up taking in her two children. At the time my granddaughter was 2 and grandson was 6 years old. This last year I let her live with me so she can also have a relationship with her kids. At first it was ok but quickly turn into an unmanageable situation. Her illness was far worse than I expected and she has the maturity level of a 9 year old. She was volatile, angry, depressed, paranoid, heard voice and also struggled with auditory and visual hallucinations.

To make a long story short I decided I couldn’t do it anymore after she attacked me. I got her help and she is now living in a group home and I don’t feel one bit of guilt over it. I’ve done my job. I loved and cared for her and was a strong advocate for her. She is in a group home associated with her mental health care provider. She has a psychiatrist, a case worker and people she can talk with at the group home. She is much better off in a group home instead of living with me. My daughter is unable to take any kind of stress and the children were stressing her out.

I came to a point where I wanted to be happy and not feel stress 24/7. My daughter has no business raising children and I was doing everything as a caretaker for her and the children. I felt myself falling apart so I finally chose my health and wellbeing and my grandchildren right to have a happy and stable home. The home life is so much better. The kids are happy and very bonded to me and I have a regular daily routine instead of the constant chaos she brought to the house

I understand what you are going through and the helplessness you feel. I don’t believe we parents need to end up completely worn out, resentful, anxious and depressed. It doesn’t help anyone. There are alternatives for you to have a happy life. As for ending your life think about how your son would feel if you killed yourself. Death is final. Things can definitely change for you – meditate and mull it thought you mind for however long it takes. I’m so much happier now and grateful to have another chance at a peaceful life plus I have two wonderful grandchildren I adore.


#5

I don’t think putting him in a group home is abandoning him.

I’ve often wondered if my son would be better off if we did that. Maybe, we as parents are part of the problem. Maybe, I enable him too much. Maybe, with more structure & someone that would make him do more things, he’d get better, faster.

Maybe, (I’m full of maybes today), you guys can try Clozapine at some point. I was very scared of it, but it’s doing well for my son so far. Doing research, I’ve ready it’s also supposed to lesson alcohol cravings. Maybe drugs too? I can’t remember. That part does seem to be working for my son.

And, I think we all go to very dark places sometimes. There’s no shame in it. I hope you both find the help that you need.


#6

I also don’t think that a group home is a horrible way to deal with your situation. My son has spent some time in group homes, because we reached points where I was not able to do what he needed with him living elsewhere.


#7

Yes, my wife has felt like this at times (our daughter has had sz 15 years).

We recognise this one, our friends have drifted away for the same reason.

Everybody on this forum will agree 100% with this statement. Remove yourself from the situation, yes, that’s essential, but by ending your life, no, that isn’t the answer, that’s letting sz win and we do not allow that.

I’m lucky because I work and therefore I’m automatically removed from the situation with our daughter. My wife is not so lucky and hence she suffers more stress than I do. So when I get home, I tell my wife to get out, not in a bad way of course, but just to go and do something for her, even if it’s as simple as walking around a shopping centre (mall) and having a coffee. If we’re both stressed then we’ll take our daughter to her flat and leave her. It sounds awful, but we have to for the sake of our own sanity. She has various phone numbers if she needs urgent help or support.

So please look into how you can get some relief from the situation, much as you are now, with your son at a friends house. If you don’t want to commit your son to an institution, how about temporary respite in a care home of some sort, for a couple of weeks at a time. How about employing somebody a few hours a week to sit with him, there must be many mental health care workers who would jump at the chance of earning extra money. It won’t cost you a fortune and it will be small investment if it means you get rid of these thoughts about taking your own life. Put an ad in the paper and see if you get any applicants for the job.


#8

So sorry for what you’re going through.

When I was depressed about my husband’s Sz, I tried to remember something I read somewhere: Sz is an evil disease, don’t let it take you, too. Or, in other words, don’t let this disease win by making YOU sick, too.

Please take care of yourself🌹


#9

Oh Sheyolo!

Our lives are such a struggle at times. Is the space still available in the group home? The group home wasn’t located close to you, am I remembering that correctly?

The group home can work out really well, that is a real possibility. Like all children, our adult children with mi also want to live lives that are away from us. Everyone’s “normal” kids and those kids “normal” parents can feel nervous about transitioning. Many young people, who aren’t mentally ill, shut down as young adults and go into a depression about the idea of leaving the home they have always known. So many struggle with this life change that many of us thought that was our child’s initial issue when they began to change during the early scz years.

Some of the parents of those kids that rush out into the world successfully, go into depressions over the loss of their primary role of parenting. Its a form of grieving for them.

I am sure you are not the only one that has tried this, or felt this way. You and your son are in our prayers.


#10

Dear Sheyelo,

I’m sorry to hear of your attempt and glad you are safe and communicating now.

I agree with everyone that a group home is a good option.

I have been where you were many times, though I did not follow through on my plan. The reason I didn’t is because my mother killed herself when I was a teenager and I know the feeling of chaos of losing a mother this way.

The way I get through life being suicidal much of the time (I have tried more than a dozen mood stabilizing and anti-depressant medications that did not work for various reasons; it turns out my body does not produce the enzymes to metabolize many psych meds.) is by sleeping. I completely agree that sleep is vital, so maybe three xanax at the most. Also, seroquel helps me sleep, but the sleep aids like Lunesta are awful for me personally.

I live day to day with decreasing function and am just trying to accept that I cannot help my family member any more than I do. Currently we are in a good situation with court-ordered treatment, but I became very ill with physical illness also and am not recovering. Also, our financial limits are different than the people who can hire respite help or have good insurance for hospitals.

The way I cope is pretty bleak. I wake up unhappy and in pain and try to get through each day as best I can. No matter what happens, even if our lives and our family members’ lives turn out completely great, my logical brain tells me we are all going to die. There is no need to hurry it along, except to try to avoid pain, which might change. Things might change for the better.

Also, with the current good treatment, my family member is doing really well. I never could have predicted this would happen and I did not bring it about. The one good thing I did was try to get treatment which created records of the illness for the court to use. I am glad I lived long enough to get along well with my family member again and spend time together. Family is the meaning of my life.


#11

Thank you all so much for your advice, concerns and offers of help!! I agree with all you said and it alines with what the police and counselor has told me.

At this time I am going down to stay with my daughter and will be back on Thursday. Friday I am going to Quinco to see about getting him a case manager and a new payee for his social security. I was told they would help him with housing, doctors appointments, med management. We shall see. If he doesn’t agree to this then I will have to go through the eviction process.

I’ve realized that yes my son has a mental disability but he is choosing to stay in his current addiction instead of choosing to take his meds right and accept that he has to take them in order to live a somewhat normal life. I can’t compete with the addiction nor can I safely live with him.

Yes it is a very hard choice but nonetheless one that needs to be done. For both of us! And change is scary but necessary now!!

Sincerely grateful for your prayers and helping me through this by walking alongside me!! You all are my friends and family!!

Much love :heart:️ Sheyelo


#12

He is choosing, but I don’t think he’s mentally capable of making that choice, if that makes sense.

If you get him into a group home or something else supervised, they may be able to take the drugs out of the equation, get him on hims meds on a regular basis & do the things that you can’t make happen at home. I’ve thought that might be a better choice for my son at times in the past too.

I hope it works out well for both of you.


#13

Sending more and more prayers your way Sheyelo. Big hug.


#14

I think you are doing the right things for you and your son.

I hope your visit with your daughter is relaxing and fun.


#15

Dear Sheyelo,
If we are to help our loved ones, we must take care of ourselves first. You need to have a team working with you to help your son. If can’t take care of him alone and be comfortable, it may be too much of a burden to you to have him in your hope right now. A group home may be a good thing for everyone, at least for the present time. You and your family are in my prayers…


#16

Thank you for your prayers! It is going to be a hard road to walk but one that must be taken!! I’m spending this week with my daughter and grandsons and trying to focus on myself and the first step I have to take when I get back home. And that is to get him a representative payee. The police said that is one of the things I need to do so that is where I’m starting. Baby steps. Praying for strength to start this process!!


#17

Sheyelo,
You can see from the replies here that you are not alone. Also, the more people you have praying for you, the easier it will be to see that God is in charge. There are online prayer groups too.


#18

I know just how you feel!

Take good care of yourself, good food, plenty of rest.

It is soooo heartbreaking to be involved with a loved one

who has these problems.

A group home isn’t so bad. They have shelter, food and supervision.

They get their meds and have activities.

And we are safe.

I know what it is like to be assaulted by a mentally ill/brain diseased family member.

Don’t sacrifice your own well-being. I have learned this the hard way.

Blessings. Keep in touch.

And thank-you for sharing your anguish.

You are not alone!

from Vermont,

Maple Woman


#19

Hi, my son will not take any meds but he will take the cbd gummies that I give him. His personality is litterally night and day from before I started giving them to him. They are legal in all 50 states. I give in 30mg 2x per day. The first day I gave him one, he was manic and within hours he was acting normal but the next day he flipped to depression and it was severe. He had been manic for days so he slept for a few. After he came out of depression, he has constantly progressed, furtber than I’ve seen him in years. Cbd reduces inflammation and is neural protective. They sell it at Vape shops or hookah stores. You can also get liquid. My son is also schizoaffective. Good luck to you!


#20

Thank you for sharing your experience! I will look into that for him. But hopefully getting him a caseworker will work out for the both of us! Maybe I should check into that cbd for myself :blush: