Hi everyone,
I’m here writing again because I need emotional support once more, and I’m feeling increasingly exhausted.
My boyfriend (the whole story is above and in this thread Help me understand him - #25 by Dontknowwhattodo ) eventually decided, after a year and a half in his home country, to come live in mine. He left the place where he was staying (a type of social housing, but not public housing) and brought all his belongings to my house, saying he would find something to do here. He stayed for six months, and everything was going relatively well (apart from his anxiety about going outside sometimes because my neighbors are still around, and he had previously damaged the car of one of their partners).
However, at a certain point, he realized that staying too long in a country (even within the EU) without declaring anything isn’t really viable, and in order to maintain his government allowance (which exists in his country but not in mine), he went back. While he was here, he didn’t look for work or do anything productive.
So he left (this time at least he’s staying with his mother), saying he would look for a job and a place to live, or maybe get a place and then go to university. His doctor advised against both and recommended speaking with a social worker (I assume to try and get public housing). In all these plans, I was never included—he just said, “You can come later,” without considering my current situation (I own a home, among other things), and the fact that it would be nearly impossible for me to qualify for public housing unless I was doing absolutely nothing or was extremely poor. Plus, owning a home in my country would likely disqualify me anyway.
But beyond that, the idea that he thinks I should live off welfare too—even if it might seem convenient—doesn’t sit right with me.
When he told me he wanted to go back to his country, I started crying, and he told me I was being selfish because he needed those things. So I stopped asking anything at all.
I don’t think it’s fair that he called me selfish after everything I’ve done for him and all the time I’ve stood by his side. I recognize that he does have advantages in his home country that he wouldn’t have here, and I would like to follow him (but only because of him, as I don’t actually care about living there). But aside from the fact that I’d have to leave everything behind—home, family—which, okay, I could do, the real problem is that I’ve reached a point where I’m not even sure he truly wants us to live together. Sometimes it feels like he doesn’t care much. Maybe he’d prefer to live separately but in the same city—I honestly don’t know.
I also can’t be sure that, given his schizophrenia, he won’t suddenly decide to move somewhere else or change his living situation without me, leaving me stranded in a country I only moved to for him. I really feel like a burden inside, and that’s why I’m writing… I know I could lose the person I love, and everything—bureaucracy, etc.—feels so overwhelmingly complicated, even though on paper Europe pretends to make things easy. In reality, it’s not easy at all.
In his country (let’s call it Country B), they proposed a law that would allow people with nationality from B to continue receiving the allowance even if living in another country. That law would solve everything, but there’s no telling when—or if—it will ever be discussed.
He says he misses me, but I don’t really think he misses me that much, otherwise he wouldn’t just go on with his plans without considering me. At first, he was convinced his mother would help him find a proper home, but it’s not clear what her intentions really are.
I already know people will tell me to end the relationship, so please don’t. I don’t actually want to end it. What I need is just some support, because on the one hand, I understand this person might genuinely need the allowance (though I wonder what he would have done if he had been born in a country where that kind of support doesn’t exist), but on the other hand, I feel like I matter less than a welfare check.
Now I know that, for him, the allowance is more important than our relationship. I used to think maybe it was just the illness, but now it feels more like a conscious decision—especially since he’s taking his medication. He says he needs to see the doctor, but the doctor only sees him every six months…
Him calling me selfish (when all I did was cry, not even stop him from going) made me feel terrible, as though my feelings had no value. The fact that I’m not part of his (often confused) plans leaves me unsure whether he even wants to be with me or not. Why keep the relationship if he doesn’t want to be close?
My familiy now knows about his illness but they don’t know the whole story regarding his allowance ( which is basically the real obstacle to our relationship, not the illness as he could get medication also here and would have a house here) and I don’t feel like talking with them about this as they probably forget sometimes about his illness and they think he should work, even something simple, while he doesn’t want and wants the allowance which is only in his country.
I cannot even talk with him as he tells me that it is not normal I cannot live without him. Well… I can, I don’t see what is abnormal in wanting to share a life in the same place and not in 2 different countries.
Especially because at some point I was in his country ( didn’t own the house yet) but he was not doing anything to find a place ( I just arrived there I didn’t have a job there nor anything) and his mother wanted us out ( the rest of the story is up in this thread). What was I supposed to do? We would have ended up homeless on the streets…
I’m really tired, and I just need a pat on the back.