I'm kinda desperate

Family
1

Hi all, I’m still here. I wrote my story in another thread if you want to read it.

Long story short after 5 years spent together my bf left me to go back to his country to get his pension for sz he also got a social housing after some homelessness

It has been 1, year now that we are in q long distance relationship. I really love this person and I would wait forever if I knew there is the same from his side and that there will be a solution to this.

I tried to go to his country but I don’t manage. I have my own house here and for the moment a job but it’s temporary not sure it will last.

Before getting the social housing he was more keen to come back, after the social housing at some point it seemed he was not interested in coming back here, but then he started to feel bored and lonely and realized that social housing is not paradise.

I visited him twice, first time before the social housing, second time after the social housing. While I was there the second time
He was talking about stuff he would do alone as if I wasn’t there. Then right after stuff we should do together again. I didn’t know what to say anymore and then he said just before I was leaving that we would have seen each other soon.

From this moment I stopped asking anything ( because last time I cried while we were talking on the phone) he threatened to end the relationship.

In the past 2 months he started again to talk about leaving that place and coming here. He also booked a flight to come here in july to visit.

e asked me about my neighbors ( because he tried to burn their car) and I said it should be fine but I’m not in people’s head.

In the last week he suddenly told me he’s going to visit a female friend ( that he knows since many years but i never met) in another city and I said ok ( didn’t ask permission or anything he just did it and I’m not expecting him to ask this kind of things) even though I was not enthusiastic.

But because of this he told me he should bot come here because the relationship is not healthy and I asked why and he said because of the distance and the neighbors ( both things were created by him) and because I only showed little signs of enthusiasm for him visit a female girl

( Also I have to say that he complained a lot about visiting me for cost and time but he didn’t about visiting the friend yes she’s closer but not so much).

Now why I wrote all of this? I don’t understand why he’s changing his mind all the time even if he’s taking medication, why am I less important than the friend while I was the only one helping when he was homeless this last time and why I feel like he’s excluding me from his life slowly?
I ask how the appointments why the doctor are going he doesn’t say much, he was telling me everything before…also what I don’t understand is…while he was homeless his mother didn’t help at all. It was everything on my shoulders… but now she is suddenly back and they go to lunches and she buys expensive gifts. He has been mad at his mom for years and now they go around together and talks to her more than me. I mean ok it’s his mother, fine, but am i the only one to see a weird behavior here? Both from him and the mom? Doesn’t sound hypocrite?

I feel very bad, kinda used and abandoned. I hope he comes in July and we can discuss better.

Please share your thoughts about this because I don’t understand why I am being treated like this.

1 Like
2

I think you need some positive friends to be around, and to start living your life for you, don’t always wait for him. You sound like a very good person, that likes to take care of people. Please don’t look at it as he used you, and in part of course he did. But you also allowed it because you heart is good and you thought you had a relation ship with him. I think anyone would be lucky to have you in their life as a friend or other. But get out there and make some friends and move on. This disease makes some to only think of themselves and what they need. And maybe this is him at his best. And now that you need him, that will never be returned for what you have done for him you will not get the love and concern back. Not that he is horrible but this is his best. Not the best you deserve unless you always want to feel lacking in his compassion and interest in your feeling and needs.

3 Likes
3

Sometimes the love you feel, or the love you give to another, is NOT going to be coming back to you from the other side. There really is no solution to that kind of a one sided love.

Since he is not trying to have a relationship with you, maybe it is time to put him out of your mind and out of your heart. You already said in your post that you feel he is excluding you from his life. Please don’t do what you said and wait forever for someone who doesn’t want you in his life. I seems to me like you should move on as he already has.

2 Likes
4

I am not sure that he’s excluding me from his life, it’s just an impression.

I don’t know if he wants to be in a relationship with me anymore or not, I’m a threat to the pension, If I could live in his country maybe it would work and believe me I tried. I need a job there to find an accomodation and even so I don’t have a guarantor from the country.

He should help me by trying to find himself a place for us but he said he can’t

He will come here soon I need to understand how to ask him his feelings and intentions toward the relationship and me

1 Like
5

You asked how you should behave when and if he comes? Be yourself. Don’t interrogate him or give him an ultimatum unless you want this to be the meeting that finally determines where you two stand. But in that case you have to be prepared to accept that he won’t come back. It won’t hurt to use LEAP techniques, which aren’t only employed to help people gain insight and agree to treatment. There is no one way to behave around someone with this disorder but it is always good to project calm. He may nor may not have a fixed delusion regarding you, but if he does, there is probably little you can do to change it.

I agree with the other commenters that you are probably best off not focusing so completely on him. Your fixation may be standing in the way of having a meaningful life of your own. I urge you to get support from friends, family and also professional. Your own life is the only thing you have full control over.

3 Likes
6

I wish you the best sorting it out. Long distance relationships are hard. And just because he is on his medication doesn’t mean that all of his symptoms are under control, unfortunately.

1 Like
7

Hi everyone,

I’m here writing again because I need emotional support once more, and I’m feeling increasingly exhausted.

My boyfriend (the whole story is above and in this thread Help me understand him - #25 by Dontknowwhattodo ) eventually decided, after a year and a half in his home country, to come live in mine. He left the place where he was staying (a type of social housing, but not public housing) and brought all his belongings to my house, saying he would find something to do here. He stayed for six months, and everything was going relatively well (apart from his anxiety about going outside sometimes because my neighbors are still around, and he had previously damaged the car of one of their partners).

However, at a certain point, he realized that staying too long in a country (even within the EU) without declaring anything isn’t really viable, and in order to maintain his government allowance (which exists in his country but not in mine), he went back. While he was here, he didn’t look for work or do anything productive.

So he left (this time at least he’s staying with his mother), saying he would look for a job and a place to live, or maybe get a place and then go to university. His doctor advised against both and recommended speaking with a social worker (I assume to try and get public housing). In all these plans, I was never included—he just said, “You can come later,” without considering my current situation (I own a home, among other things), and the fact that it would be nearly impossible for me to qualify for public housing unless I was doing absolutely nothing or was extremely poor. Plus, owning a home in my country would likely disqualify me anyway.

But beyond that, the idea that he thinks I should live off welfare too—even if it might seem convenient—doesn’t sit right with me.

When he told me he wanted to go back to his country, I started crying, and he told me I was being selfish because he needed those things. So I stopped asking anything at all.

I don’t think it’s fair that he called me selfish after everything I’ve done for him and all the time I’ve stood by his side. I recognize that he does have advantages in his home country that he wouldn’t have here, and I would like to follow him (but only because of him, as I don’t actually care about living there). But aside from the fact that I’d have to leave everything behind—home, family—which, okay, I could do, the real problem is that I’ve reached a point where I’m not even sure he truly wants us to live together. Sometimes it feels like he doesn’t care much. Maybe he’d prefer to live separately but in the same city—I honestly don’t know.

I also can’t be sure that, given his schizophrenia, he won’t suddenly decide to move somewhere else or change his living situation without me, leaving me stranded in a country I only moved to for him. I really feel like a burden inside, and that’s why I’m writing… I know I could lose the person I love, and everything—bureaucracy, etc.—feels so overwhelmingly complicated, even though on paper Europe pretends to make things easy. In reality, it’s not easy at all.

In his country (let’s call it Country B), they proposed a law that would allow people with nationality from B to continue receiving the allowance even if living in another country. That law would solve everything, but there’s no telling when—or if—it will ever be discussed.

He says he misses me, but I don’t really think he misses me that much, otherwise he wouldn’t just go on with his plans without considering me. At first, he was convinced his mother would help him find a proper home, but it’s not clear what her intentions really are.

I already know people will tell me to end the relationship, so please don’t. I don’t actually want to end it. What I need is just some support, because on the one hand, I understand this person might genuinely need the allowance (though I wonder what he would have done if he had been born in a country where that kind of support doesn’t exist), but on the other hand, I feel like I matter less than a welfare check.

Now I know that, for him, the allowance is more important than our relationship. I used to think maybe it was just the illness, but now it feels more like a conscious decision—especially since he’s taking his medication. He says he needs to see the doctor, but the doctor only sees him every six months…

Him calling me selfish (when all I did was cry, not even stop him from going) made me feel terrible, as though my feelings had no value. The fact that I’m not part of his (often confused) plans leaves me unsure whether he even wants to be with me or not. Why keep the relationship if he doesn’t want to be close?

My familiy now knows about his illness but they don’t know the whole story regarding his allowance ( which is basically the real obstacle to our relationship, not the illness as he could get medication also here and would have a house here) and I don’t feel like talking with them about this as they probably forget sometimes about his illness and they think he should work, even something simple, while he doesn’t want and wants the allowance which is only in his country.

I cannot even talk with him as he tells me that it is not normal I cannot live without him. Well… I can, I don’t see what is abnormal in wanting to share a life in the same place and not in 2 different countries.

Especially because at some point I was in his country ( didn’t own the house yet) but he was not doing anything to find a place ( I just arrived there I didn’t have a job there nor anything) and his mother wanted us out ( the rest of the story is up in this thread). What was I supposed to do? We would have ended up homeless on the streets…

I’m really tired, and I just need a pat on the back.

1 Like
Help me understand him
8

I commend you for moving and getting your own home , having your own securities is very important when you’re in a very unstable relationship.
Having said that it may be very important for your partner to have his own securities which for him may be the benefits his country offers for him.
If he has been living this way a long while this may feel secure to him and if he’s on meds now maybe he doesn’t want to change the situation in fear his schizophrenia will get worse that’s just a thought.

My sibling even though unmedicated very much depends on his benefits I honestly don’t think he would be able to ever hold a regular job again in his life as I believe is the case with many many here. Also I know if he had to move from the house he’s in now which will probably eventually happen it’s going to be very very hard for him. Sometimes so much change for somebody with schizophrenia is enough to start psychosis again in my experience.

As for being in a relationship with someone with a serious mental illness , I find a lot of times it comes down to what’s in my own control and what are my choices in the relationship. Because quite often our partners are going to experience chaotic stressful times they’re going to have a truth that is not ours.
So I have found a lot of it is about asking myself what I’m willing to tolerate or accommodate.
My person with schizophrenia is my sibling.
But my partner of 24 years has borderline personality disorder also a very serious mental illness.

And of course having therapy for myself and attending nami support or in my case I also have a support group for carers of BPD because you sometimes don’t want to talk to your family or friends about what is going on in your relationship so it is important to have that support.

Like you said a lot of people would probably say you should leave the relationship but you are not going to. is there a way you can figure out even if you do live in separate countries certain times of the year being together either he comes and stays with you for several weeks or vice versa ?
I know living together seems normal and traditional but not every relationship is that way.
I do hope you find some peace today and know that you have worked very hard in your relationship.

1 Like
9

Hello, thank you for your answer. Yes I understand that for him it’s important to have this benefit to feel safe. But, and I apologize for this as my self I feel ashamed sometimes to think this, sometimes it seems more like it’s fr convenience so there is no need to work when you hear him talking. And on the other side sometimes he feels like he’s useless and he would like to do something and then back to the previous thought. I wonder sometimes if he was born here where the benefit is restricted to few people usually 100% disability and less money what he would have done.
As I said I met him in a third country and he was still getting this benefit so now there is a problem, before there wasn’t for him( even though at the time I thought it was not wise from him to do that). As I said I even went to his country with him ready to do something there as I didn’t own a place yet, but I saw there was high risk to be on the streets so I accepted a job somewhere else (but I always included him in it and he agreed and I provided a place)…I feel ashamed I am not able to find something in his country, unfortunately in some countries is easier for foreigners to get a job than in others here in EU. As for the house I didn’t buy it myself it was a family property and I got it with my family’s help. Didn’t have much choice. Otherwise I would have bought it there maybe, but still…does he really want to live together? I don’t even know this at this point. We have been together for 6 years now we lived together for some periods but he always left as you can read in my prev. thread.

I don’t know, he changed so many places…he has the runaway syndrome. When I met him he was changing hotels every night and this ruined him as he was spending more than he could. Now my house and his mother’s house are known places so should not be too weird for him while if he gets a social house maybe could be weird for him. The problem is not the house but mostly who lives nearby…can raise paranoia.

He’s not allowed to be out of the country more of a certain amount of months per year. what you say is what we did for the 1 year and a half we were separated. The problem lies with me. First he lives in places where I cannot stay ( social housing, except now he’s at his mom’s for a while, at some point in this story he was even homeless- he left from here to be homeless and get back his benefit) so everytime I went I had to book an Airbnb for a week or 10 days which is expensive and I had to pay for it. Secondly if I work I cannot go..there is a limited number of vacations available if an employee. I would like to do something by myself but what? every job requires to be present and to work. I know there are remote jobs but mostly developers and not my field really. If I don’t work I’ll finish my money in travels…I have als other expenses to manage. So yeah it’s doable, most of the disadvantages on me as usual. I spent a lot for the relationship, gladly, but I did and I gave and sacrificed a lot, that’s why it hurts that he chose the benefit, you know what I mean? Technically it can go on like that but for how long? Forever? how many moments we will miss? I need to work to live I don’t get benefits…
The plan this time was for him to find a normal place to rent so I could at least go and not pay hotels, but now it seems he’s back to the idea of social housing as renting a normal place is too difficult because you need many garanties ( it’s difficult for him, imagine for me: a foreigner with no job in the country). The only hope would be this law they suggested but if they don’t discuss it and approve it first…

1 Like
11

I can see no one is commenting here anymore, but I don’t know who else should I talk to. My bf decided to rent a place there ( not social housing, a normal place) where I can go technically. Truth is that I don’t know if he wants me there full time ( I don’t even know if I can go full time, because he chose a city that is not very big with few possibilities). He told me he can visit me and I can visit him 6 months here and there but the way he told me this was not very convincing, he told me stuff that way other times and it never happened. I asked if it will be forever like this and he said no ( but he didn’t tell me what he thinks though…he said maybe I will get it renewed for 10 years..ok then what? he still has to be there) When I hear him talking is like he’s creating his own life, like choosing a type of bed he likes but I am pretty sure I wouldn’t or planning how to eat out when and when wether to buy a washing machine or not. He wants to wait 3 years to see if his benefit is renewed. I told him that I don’t know what to do, if to carry on stuff here or trying to move there, but he just told me to “wait” but wait what? I need to know in which direction trying to plan my life… I asked him if he wants to live alone there he told me no…at some point he told me he just wants the money. Sometimes he says he wants to die. I feel invisible yet we talk everyday, I don’t know what to do, he doesn’t seem to care at all what do I do. I find hard to live in this suspended situation, it’s destroying my brain I feel betrayed and abandoned, I feel I am the only one caring and/or trying to find a solution. When I express my anxieties I receive only cold answers like “yeah it’s difficult”
I feel bad because I try to find a solution that I don’t find and I started to panick then I feel ashamed that I want to be with someone so desperately while they don’t actually care as I do and they are planning their life without worrying at all if we will be together or not, because what matters is money. At the same time I struggle also where I am and I am not motivated in doing anything because this would take us apart even more.