To be honest, I’m more afraid of aging than schizophrenia if I chose to believe my past delusions were false. I’d like to marry someone who went to college and makes a good salary. In fact there’s one specific guy I dated who was in gen z and studied computer science who I really liked and I’d like to find a guy like that again. Only I’m aging a little (I’m 29) and I gained weight due to meds. I guess the attraction is only for generation z guys because I find they are much more romantic and all my millennial bfs fizzled. I go running every day when I don’t accidentally nap and today I attended support group for the first time in 3 months. I guess I still believe in religion and often think about death these days and being able to go to Heaven after. I’d say my view of the world was pretty rosy despite schizophrenia and if it weren’t for COVID, I’d probably be out at a boba shop or hanging with friends. In fact, I attended a day treatment program twice and they encouraged me to look for a job and hold out till I marry because people with schizophrenia can live happily ever after. But morally, on some level, I don’t feel like it’s right to want those things for myself and expect a guy to make my life better. I take meds consistently though there were times after relapse where the doctor’s prescriptions had no effect and it took over 6 months to get better only after I found an online supplement. Therapy and doctors often peddle to me the belief that I need to work hard and eventually my life would magically get better one day when I marry. And why not? I’m pretty and that’s half of what a rich guy looks for in a girl, right? Today I talked about demons in group and was told to “pull myself out of that hole.” The thing is, I don’t think I’m allowed to climb out. I start feeling sickness triggering physically and mentally but only when I want to do something useful like cook, read a book, lose weight, go back to work or build memories with my dog. I am 90% delusion free besides a few breakthrough symptoms and if I didn’t choose to deliberately think about delusions, I’m quite capable of having a normal day not thinking about them. Also, I have insight so I can tell which things that happened are true and some of those things weren’t ordinary. Sometimes, progress isn’t right. Anyways I think way more about aging than I do about schizophrenia if I chose not to believe what people say about demons. But it’s wrong and not how the real world works. I don’t think anyone would choose to not take meds and it’s not hard to live a happy, mentally healthy life. But I don’t have as much strong feelings about living a good life as before since I imagine it’s only a few more decades before I pass and why not stick to the belief that we’ll be in God’s grace after a few short but trying times on earth.