Just need to vent

The charge against my son was dropped yesterday. Now there is not a no contact order. My anxiety level is through the roof. Jumping at every noise and looking around every corner and the nightmares are off the chart. I feel sure he is not going to try to come to the house but the anxiety is bad. I have hid every knife in the house and I have pepper spray with me everywhere I go. Hopefully this will pass as it did when he got out of jail. He does seem to be normal one day and then kind of out of it the next. He says he is taking his meds and I have warned him that if he doesn’t and he attacks someone again; whether it is me or someone else, that it will not go away next time. He feels that it was a one time thing and I just don’t understand that it is not going to happen again. I know that is the Sz talking. Anyway thanks for reading. Like I said I just needed to vent for a minute.

I’m sorry you are going through this anxiety. I was wondering, do you want to kick him completely out of your life and never have any contact with him again?

I do understand, as much as it hurt that some damage is permanent. If this damage is permanent and you are unable to face him, or even lay eyes on him ever again, you might have to put out a restraining order and let him know that he is in no way welcome into you life under any circumstance ever again.

You feel that his reassurances are the SZ talking? Is he calm and trying to heal when he says this?

I was lucky that my family opted for family therapy and trauma counseling. They have worked with me and helped me stay med compliant and they put me in anger management, stress management so I could be better at controlling myself. Which I have been for years and years. Now I have my own place and a job. Anger management, stress management, and med compliant for well over 6 years. I have a very close relationship with my parents now. It wasn’t always like that. I am so lucky that my parents were able to forgive me and we were able to all begin to heal.

Plus, I know your scared so you might not care what motivated it, but did you ever find out if he was anger motivated or voice motivated? Or do you even ever want to see him again much less talk to him?

I am sorry this is distressing you to the point of carrying pepper spray around in your own home. If you feel unsafe and can’t trust or believe what he says and therapy or trauma counseling isn’t an option, then I guess you have to kick him out of your life. I’m sorry you have to go through this.

Since you’re afraid of him that your on eggshell and carrying around pepper spray, it’s really going to amp up his paranoid symptoms too. If you jump when he enters a room or even gets near the house, or you have the spry at the ready when he tries to talk to you, it might do both of you well to cut all contact. He’s really going to take a mental health dive if your on the very brink of fear all the time too.

I can only image… your in terror so he’ll get upset and get worse, which will terrify you more, which will upset and trigger him more, which will terrify you further which will trigger him even worse… on and on and on.

The situation is just going to get vastly worse for both of you if this is the deal breaker incident and there is no chance of trust, healing, communication or love left. I really feel sad for both of you and hope that some glimmer of healing can shine through this darkness.

I am sorry about your troubles. Being scared is a terrible stress to go through. I hope things will smooth out for you and you won’t have to live in such fear.

There isn’t too much I can say except I hope that somehow you guys can get beyond this. Hang in there.

SuprisedJ I am not giving up on him. I was attacked by him and the fear is still strong but I am working on it. I am ok being around him when other people are around but my ptst will not let me be alone with him. He does not know I have pepper spray and that he will never live with me again. The pepper spray is for my peace of mind. I will by no means ever break ties with him. He is my son and I love him very much. I just need time to heal myself. I have told him this and he says he understands my fear. This will pass I just need more time.

Thanks BarbieBF. I am sure things will get better with time. It is really hard though when he is the only family I have here. I am a single parent dealing with this alone. I have a daughter but she lives across the country and both of my parents are gone. I have a brother but he and my daughter both are mad at my son and afraid for me. They cannot understand that this was not him but the sz that attacked. They have not been any support at all.

**I think I posted to you? about the same situation i was in with my son. I agree that you should have some separation from him for awhile.I was also single with no support. It took me a year to get over it. I did not do this-but I would try to get some therapy for yourself. Some time, maybe some distance will help. It took me a year before I could talk to my son again. I am sorry you have to go through this—I know it`s rough XX