Family and Caregiver Schizophrenia Discussion Forum

Letter to my unavailable mother


#1

To My Mom,

i feel as if you took away my childhood, through you taunting words or how you were never there for me. I grew up knowing that there was something wrong between us. the tension in the air, the hesitation before you spoke, the glare in your eye. i spent my childhood seeing my friends have amazing mothers, then there was you and me. you were just the mother and i was the child, who soon became strangers who had nothing but dislike for one another. i felt so alone and disconsolate because the way i was treated or as some would say neglected. no child should feel this way or be treated like they are unwanted. A mother is a protector, disciplinarian and friend. A mother is a selfless, loving human who must sacrifice many of their wants and needs for the wants and needs of their children. as your daughter i can say i have never felt any of these characteristics, that some may say are vital to a Childs development. my childhood instead was filled with constant service to fill your needs, and raising myself and continuously trying to fill that void of an absent mother. mothers day would roll around and i would be trying to make you feel as if you were the one who raised me to be the person i am, when you just have showed and taught me what not to be in a mother. Ive always wanted a good relationship with you and would constantly try to make you proud throughout the many different activities i participated in, that you never showed up to. People would repeatedly ask questions about how you were or if your doing any better and it became like a reflex of defending you, my life was focused on your health and how YOU were feeling. i know its not easy to have the medical issues that you have faced, but you weren't even trying to get better or establish a relationship with me. if i would've even had time because of the persistent catering to you, whether it be filling ice packs or making you dinner. I have been emotionally abused and thats what i had been taught to be normal, to be constantly walking on eggshells making sure i don't upset you. something I will never forget is when you overdosed serval times on your medication, you practically slept through half of my childhood because you always had that sh*t in your system. On top of that when you eventually ran out of the pills at the end of the month and went through the withdraws, threatening to kill yourself by taking the whole bottle of your other multitudes of medications you had. Not only was my childhood sh*t but the things i had to endure through my teenage years were unbearable, through the depression you faced that affected our whole family or the psychotic behavior that occurred. You started with the technology and feeling anxious someone constantly watching you, then began people following you. i remember times when you would point at random people saying that it was one of your followers that was trying to hurt you. then started to appear the bruises, dozens of them all within inches of each other all over you body except the places you couldn't reach. By this time you had gone to the psychiatric hospital multiple times. i hated seeing you in there but if not in the hospital i would leave the house with the feeling of “is she going to hurt herself today or get taken today?” its damaging to a child to have to worry about that. Parents are supposed to be the grown-up ones and look after the kids but a lot of the times its the other way around, constantly trying to look after you making sure you weren't hurting yourself. The one memory that haunts me and has me falling asleep crying is July fourth of 2016, i walked into the bathroom and you were holding a knife to your throat trying to kill yourself. i remember everything about that day, i remember the strength it took to pry that knife out of your hand and the tears falling on my hands making my grip even looser. i remember calling the cops and them barely understanding me cause of the shaken voice i had as you tried to leave the house to get away. i remember taking the car keys out of your hand as you screamed at me telling me to F*ck off. i remember the way you walked down the street so determined to get away in just your garments. i remember how hard i was crying, to the point i was wheezing and suffocating from how much hurt i was in. i remember the police cars, firetrucks, and ambulances rushing towards you and the neighbors watching it like it was a tv show. i remember becky drove by asking if i was okay all i could say through the fake smile i was carrying was “im okay” when i wanted to cry the fake smile was the only way to stop the tears from falling, she texted me later that day trying to comfort me through the trauma i just went through but it didn't help and has left existing wounds today. little does anyone know I'm drowning while everyone is standing three feet away telling me to learn how to swim, nobody sees the daily struggle it is to get out of bed every single morning, every thought is a battle, every breath is a war and sometimes i don't think I can win anymore. Even though I'm suffocating i keep everything inside so nobody gets hurt but me. it starts small I began not wanting to go to school then not wanting to see my friends then not wanting to get out of bed, then not wanting to wake up. My heart constantly feels heavy because it already knows what my mind wont admit. i miss me, the old me, the happy me. at this point I'm in a very hard and very silent place, and I'm struggling to either accept this or drag myself out of it and see how much more i can take.

#2

You may actually have a start of a book. Hang in there. Sorry about your mom.


#3

Heavy heart. Have you thought about some outside help? Or counseling? This is alot for you to handle. Sounds like your mom could really use some treatment.
Just some caring thoughts, AnnieNorCal