My fiancé, who I love very much, is kind, honest, and truly the man of my dreams. He was diagnosed with schizophrenia 14 years ago and has been fully compliant with his medication for most of that time. About 5.5 years ago, he had a relapse after he wasn’t diligent with his pills while staying out of town with someone he was dating at the time. He recovered quickly, but his ex-girlfriend decided to leave him afterward.
Fast forward to two years ago — we met, and he proposed eight months later. We’ve been engaged and planning our wedding. Like most couples, we’ve had arguments, and wedding planning has been stressful at times. I had no prior experience being with someone who has a serious mental illness, and I sometimes wonder if I added stress without fully understanding what he needed.
Three weeks ago, everything changed. That morning he was loving and caring as usual. By the afternoon, he began questioning my love and intentions. That night, he broke up with me abruptly — with no emotion or empathy — which is completely out of character for him.
There was one moment during that time when he held me and told me he loved me, but he said he would “never be the same.” Around this period, he refused to take his medication for about 10 days.
He is now in the psychiatric ward, being treated and back on medication, but he is completely ignoring me. He’s fixating on the idea that our relationship wasn’t working and on specific hurtful things I said during arguments. It feels like he’s rewriting our entire relationship based on our worst moments.
I don’t know what to do. Our wedding is in three months, and realistically we probably need to cancel or postpone. But I feel like I need to speak to him when he’s stable to understand what he truly wants before making such a final decision. When should we have that conversation? Will he have a sound mind to make the call?
The past three weeks have broken me. I haven’t been able to eat or sleep properly
I am very sorry for you, especially given how far along you are in planning your wedding. It is good that your fiance is now hospitalized and taking meds again. Meds can take a while to take effect, so I would advise you to be patient. It might be that he soon regains a positive attitude toward you, and your future plans. But even if he was doing well in the past, and he recovers soon, if you plan to spend your life with him, I would strongly advise you to educate yourself on severe mental illness. There are books and support groups: https://www.nami.org/, https://leapinstitute.org/
Spend some time looking at the many posts on this website that recount situations similar to your own. The common thread of “success stories,” i.e., individuals who have managed to lead meaningful lives despite having schizophrenia, is that they had (or gained) enough insight to realize they needed help, sought it out, and stuck with it. Lack of insight into knowing you have a problem is very common. So is developing or nurturing delusions, often targeted at those closest.
If I were you, I would postpone the marriage so you don’t have that added pressure on either of you. He needs time, and lots of support from you and his other loved ones, as he recovers and (re)gains control of his life. Realize, too, that sometimes the best support is leaving him alone for a time.
There are many wise and experienced souls on this website who will offer you advice and support. We even have a few diagnosed individuals who offer perspective from the “other side.” Schizophrenia is a tough disorder but treatments work for many if not most. The fact that your fiance is complying with his treatment is already a very good sign.
Thank you so much for sharing your insight. I haven’t been in contact with him for 2.5 weeks since he broke things off with me. I wanted to give him space and didn’t want to trigger him.
He is still in the hospital. I will wait a bit before messaging him.
He spoke to his brother and told his brother he still loves me but still fixating on the things I said out of anger. What hurts me the most is that him rewriting our relationship. I’m so hurt but I have to keep telling myself he isn’t well.