Family and Caregiver Schizophrenia Discussion Forum

My mistake...I asked him a question


#1

Things were half way decent today. I asked him a question about tomorrow. Huge mistake…sometimes I just forget. He sent off on me on a different personality and screaming voice. It shook me to my core.

On another note. I called my local office of NAMI. Today was their monthly support group meeting and because things were slightly better or me fooling myself again…and the weather here didn’t help. Snow already! Yuk

I’m back at his apartment tonight and it is 10 times worse than previous episodes. I am trying so hard not to reply. The accusations are purely from hell itself. This is really bad. He even accused his brother of being a crack addict because of me. (I don’t do or associate with anyone who does) and he hung up and blocked his number


#2

This is so hard and I am so sorry. It must be terribly painful to watch and listen. I presume your fiancee is unmedicated. What is the response of his family? Have you tried reading the book “I Am Not Sick; I Don’t Need Help” by Dr. Amador? This is my only hope to help my son gain insight to stay on medication, along with counseling or therapy such as CBT, for him to have a meaningful recovery.

We cannot solve all problems. Most of us are on this Forum because our loved one is our child or parent or sibling. Some are trying to help a spouse or other relative. Right now, you have a choice that others of us do not have. Of course, we are all choosing to do what we do because we love the person, whatever the relationship. However, this is unlikely going to get better unless your special person accepts treatment. Is this how you are willing to live for the next one, two, five or ten+ years? There is hope, but it will take a lot of effort or he may have to hit bottom and, if he survives, he might get lucky and get the treatment he needs.

In the meantime, NAMI has helped me tremendously. There have been times in this journey when I went to NAMI meetings and then I stopped for awhile due to overwhelming involvement in care of our son. But then I started going back and it has been the right thing for me to continue with that. Also, when family members (and friends) come to the meetings, even if their loved one is doing “better”, we share group wisdom and support for each other. This is why I go.


#3

Oh my, sigh. 10 times worse? Oh gosh.

Non-verbal communication is what I use when things are bad. Very little talk. If I was you, I might try holding out a cup of juice or tea. If the answer is no, I’d put it back in the kitchen. A bit later, I might try offering a sandwich. A bit later I might ask if he wants to go for a walk… You have to judge. Short attempts at one simple idea only. And back off if it riles him at all.

Best is one very short question, sometimes prefaced by "I have a concern, I would feel better if you had a cup of juice with me… " or “I would feel better if … you ate something” Then nothing else. Very short, very here and now questions only.

Once I learned that ANY communication from me to her was disrupting her already very busy mind and the many conversations she was already involved in, I developed a routine: Knock, say “Hi, it’s your mom with some food”, wait, see if the door opens. If it doesn’t, do the same thing again, and hopefully the door opens for long enough for her to take the food, and then closes again.

You cannot expect him to have conversations with you if he is already having them with his own mind.

How long has your relationship gone on? I am curious, you don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to.


#4

Thank you for your advice. I all of our years together it has never been like this. 40 years. Some of which we lived together and as of now…no because I am the main care for my father who is 88 years old and has been quite I’ll for the last


#5

Oops. I do that a lot. I’ll. I will give your suggestions a try. I just don’t know what to say to him these days. I find myself thinking about what I am going to say before I say it and I forget and it sets off a time bomb


#6

Wow, 40 years, so very long to have a relationship. And on top of his illness, you are also caring for your almost 90 year old sick father. You are tough and loyal. I hope you are trying to eat and sleep better to keep up your energy.