Navigating the feelings of whether or not to let go....?

[Wes_B]

@hope

Our FtF class was addressed by a female who has scz. She had been thrown out on the street by her parents for refusing to take meds. She was raped and beaten while she lived on the streets. Eventually she returned home and wanted to take meds. She has stayed med compliant and returned to school. She is grateful to her parents for being strong enough to throw her out.

I don’t know how they did it. She is proof that it works. But at such a cost and risk.

Something similar happened to me during one of my acute episodes. I came back home to find the door locks changed, every window closed and locked, the garage closed, the gate to the back yard locked. They even disconnected the doorbell wires, and sent all calls to voicemail. My mom and dad had my full attention after that about what behaviors would no longer be tolerated. A few nights and days on the street ended up doing me a lot of good, but this was not a very risky area, this was in Eugene, Oregon.

[Wes_B]

@KittyChgo

No in patient because they feel he is not a danger to himself or others. Although he needs in patient, no one will listen to me. He cons the doctors and nurses, knows all the right things to say/do to stay out.

This is something one picks up quickly after a few hospitalizations. We quickly begin to understand that our freedom is at stake, and their decision about us is mostly based on what we say to them, and the behaviors, if we have any control over them at the time. We very quickly learn what to say and do, and more importantly, what not to say to the psychiatric staff.

[hope]

The person with the illness having some insight seems to really help this sort of “tough love” approach.

[Catherine]

Will let you know when I return, I leave Tuesday, will be back Thursday evening. Wish us luck.

[hope]

Best of luck to both of you!

[irene]

Have fun and enjoy your new found bit of freedom, it is long coming snd well deserved. Things can get a little better with time and preseverance.

[lindag]

Mine too wanted to go to Vegas. Listen or read Dr Xavier Amador books, or you tube videos ( beyond the glass ceiling)his brother had schizophrenia and he started the LEAP program. His book I am not sick I don’t need help is a good read. I was lucky we finally found the right med for my grandson and he is now back to work, and am thankful for that since he was unable to get social security. He takes Clozapine and it changed his life. Goid luck

[Cerium]

[j =“jmarie1067, post:1, topic:3707, full:true”]
In those early and more crisis moments when are loved ones are in and out of hospitals, still fighting medication mandates or needs, and seeking some kind of independence or escape…it all feels very dangerous. I really struggle with feeling like my son’s life is in the balance of my decision making.

My son has no insight and threatens each month not to take his Invega shot, to leave, and now his conditional release is over…and he could essentially choose both. He refuses to consider any kind of group home, in fact he only wants independence on his terms…and he wants it far away from anyone in his family. Currently, he has no means to support himself, he will not likely ever be able to work.

I wonder when he…this experience…our life in this together…Iwith him**." All I could think was…Seriously?? It is so counter intuitive to me. How can it be left to him if his executive functioning, his decision making is disordered?

Some of his statement is due to how my son experiences this illness…he fights any control in his life. His doctor said, we may discover that the only level of insight he will gain will come through his experiences, like…“I have to take my medication because I don’t like going to the hospital.”

So the question I have today is for those of you that have made it over that first few series of mountains with your loved one and struggled with whether or not to let go. I realize the circumstances, the risks…all of it may be different for all of us…but I am trying to decide how to navigate the next few decisions.

Like @Misty 's post…“what do I do?” It just feels so dangerous to bring them home sometimes, and in some cases, it truly is not the right thing…but a hospital will do that because to discharge plan for the alternative is sometimes more of a challenge.

In my case, to give him more independence to see if he can stretch or further improve the quality of his life doesn’t seem realistic, but it is what he wants? Thing is, it would be easy if he accepted my guidance, anyone’s guidance…but he doesn’t. He fights everyone every step of the way, and yet, he cannot and is not decision making properly. I wonder if that was what the doctor was trying to explain to me? That some of this I will have to leave with him so he can reconcile a few things? So when my son won’t meet me even part way on what independence could look like with our support, does that mean I should let him go on his own path with SSI? It just seems like a train wreck to me.

Which decisions, and at what cost? It could be tragic and it could even lead to his death? That is a very real consideration for many of us, I am sure.

As it sits today, I just listen, and I simply explain that we cannot afford to help him live on his own. He fights, then he settles into the wait we all have on his SSI determination (which will likely be approved in the coming month). I have him on a Section 8 housing wait list in the city closest to us that has housing units (it may take 2 years). He is on a wait list for a group home (which may be over a year at the least). He doesn’t want either. He wants to go to Vegas and make Billions and then he can live the life he wants.
[/quote]

@jmarie1067

In those early and more crisis moments when are loved ones are in and out of hospitals, still fighting medication mandates or needs, and seeking some kind of independence or escape…it all feels very dangerous. I really struggle with feeling like my son’s life is in the balance of my decision making.

My son has no insight and threatens each month not to take his Invega shot, to leave, and now his conditional release is over…and he could essentially choose both. He refuses to consider any kind of group home, in fact he only wants independence on his terms…and he wants it far away from anyone in his family. Currently, he has no means to support himself, he will not likely ever be able to work.

I wonder when he…this experience…our life in this together…I wonder when or if it will settle?

I continue to ponder what one of his doctors said during my son’s last hospitalization, and that was…“…regardless of his absence of insight, much of the course of you son’s illness must be left with him.” All I could think was…Seriously?? It is so counter intuitive to me. How can it be left to him if his executive functioning, his decision making is disordered?

Some of his statement is due to how my son experiences this illness…he fights any control in his life. His doctor said, we may discover that the only level of insight he will gain will come through his experiences, like…“I have to take my medication because I don’t like going to the hospital.”

So the question I have today is for those of you that have made it over that first few series of mountains with your loved one and struggled with whether or not to let go. I realize the circumstances, the risks…all of it may be different for all of us…but I am trying to decide how to navigate the next few decisions.

Like @Misty 's post…“what do I do?” It just feels so dangerous to bring them home sometimes, and in some cases, it truly is not the right thing…but a hospital will do that because to discharge plan for the alternative is sometimes more of a challenge.

In my case, to give him more independence to see if he can stretch or further improve the quality of his life doesn’t seem realistic, but it is what he wants? Thing is, it would be easy if he accepted my guidance, anyone’s guidance…but he doesn’t. He fights everyone every step of the way, and yet, he cannot and is not decision making properly. I wonder if that was what the doctor was trying to explain to me? That some of this I will have to leave with him so he can reconcile a few things? So when my son won’t meet me even part way on what independence could look like with our support, does that mean I should let him go on his own path with SSI? It just seems like a train wreck to me.

Which decisions, and at what cost? It could be tragic and it could even lead to his death? That is a very real consideration for many of us, I am sure.

As it sits today, I just listen, and I simply explain that we cannot afford to help him live on his own. He fights, then he settles into the wait we all have on his SSI determination (which will likely be approved in the coming month). I have him on a Section 8 housing wait list in the city closest to us that has housing units (it may take 2 years). He is on a wait list for a group home (which may be over a year at the least). He doesn’t want either. He wants to go to Vegas and make Billions and then he can live the life he wants.

[Cerium]

J Marie, i understand fully what you are saying. As my father would say, it would be like sending lettuce by rabbit to allow them to make choices. My daughter has been ill for 14 years. In the beginning, in and out of hospitals, and like your son, refused any help or direction. How can we reason with thr unreasonable? I do not think it is reasoning, since I think at times talking to the wall would be easier. At some point it will get easier. My daughter says she is injured today, coldest to an admission of mental illness she lives with me, not the best for me, but definitely the best for her. Many of us taking care of our children are older woman, and we have to wrestle with the minds and bodies of our children.

I take it one day at a time, no expectations. Some days, I cry from exhaustion, but remind myself she is here with me, and I do not have to worry about her being incarcerated or on the street. I think if you have s girl, it is more layers of fear.

Good luck. Keep us posted. I am hopeful your son will be compliant one day.
Alwayshopeful

[hope]

@Cerium

His doctor said, we may discover that the only level of insight he will gain will come through his experiences, like…“I have to take my medication because I don’t like going to the hospital.”

I think this is where my son is - Dr Amador says they will only stay med compliant if meds are their decision.
Maybe some day.

[Misty]

I’m so Sorry your going through this.It is so damn difficult. Our hearts are being torn apart watching our children go through this nightmare. We are in it alone and it is devastating. My son was just like yours and no matter what I tried to do all the doors were bolted shut until tragedy struck.
Unfortunately only you can make the choice whether to hold on tight or let him go. I can only tell you it is difficult no matter what you do.
All we really can do is trust that God will watch over them in their journey and keep them safe. Just remember through all of this termioll to take care of YOU!!