The tension between my husband and I has been growing for the last couple of years. 2-3 yrs ago his medication changed and zombied him out. I went from having a fully functioning husband-as his schizophrenia was under control and practically unnoticeable-to having the clean him and clean up after him alone. Doctors didn’t listen to me. Time passed…I just tried to keep my head above water. I have PTSD so stress is very difficult for me and already takes a lot of personal work to fix, once it gets triggered often. My health rapidly decreased and a while of doctors and psychologists later, his medication was changed again. Things are starting to get much better with us as he is coming out of the fog. However, my health is horrible and I have had to do a lot of work to control and regulate my anger due to this situation. Because of all of this stress I have insomnia and I must have stability to heal. Our biggest issue now seems to be that he keeps blaming me for things that don’t exist…and using these things to pick fights and stress me out further. I’m sure his intentions are not vindictive but it is starting to feel that way. He definitely holds a grudge that I have been so sick myself. He can not see the work I have done over the last many months and how things have improved.
The other day he was up late on his computer. As it was very late and I had not slept for a few nights, I asked him if he was coming to bed.
“Are you coming to bed?”
“um, I really want to talk to the guys because they’re only online at this time…:(”
“ok I’ll come to bed in 30 min”
That’s all there was to the convo. We live in a 2-room apartment so extra considerations for others is required. Our living and sleeping area is one room. He knows my need for stable sleep and that if I don’t go to sleep when I am tired enough to, the moment will pass and I will be unable to sleep for the rest of the night.
So he comes to bed and I can sense he is upset but he doesn’t communicate with me much and I was exhausted and needing sleep. Finally he says
“Thanks for ruining my night”
These sarcastic comment and cheap shots are common from him–now. This led to a 3 hour argument in which I explained why he was upset and what the reality of the situation was over and over and over again. I explained to him (and yes I was calm and collected this time-I am making great progress on my anger) there is no reason to be upset, he could simply take his laptop into the other room and chat as long as he wanted.
He sees the logic in it, and for a moment is stopped in his tracks. Then he goes off again over the exact same thing and I have to explain it to him again. Explain to him he is perfectly able to stay up and chat but he has to go to the other room because I have to sleep. I told him that instead of getting angry at me, he needs to stop assuming he knows what I am thinking and feeling and ask me. I explained to him that he could have simply asked me or just stated that he wanted to stay up later. He doesnt need my permission. He just needs to do whats necessary in the situation ie: go to the other room so the computer light and typing noise doesn’t keep me awake. We were awake for 3 hours because he would understand what I explained and then immediately go back into his original argument. He keeps blaming me for things that don’t exist.
We keep having the same conversations over and over and situations like this are just increasing. I have tried every angle. I have tried ignoring it. I have tried explaining it, which occasionally works. I have tried expressing my anger about it. I have sought counseling and classes on communication so I can better equip myself. I have exploded into tears and depression.
But when the argument is over something that he makes up in his mind and holds fast to. When he doesn’t trust me, his own wife. How am I supposed to get through to him?
How can I continue when I am attacked like this over nothing but his perception?
This is my last shot to find somewhere I can talk to people. I have no friends, no contacts and no family in real life. I have had to quit school and job searches and hope of having a future as an adult, as a wife. I am a mother of a 40 year old child. The circle of insanity must end.