Family and Caregiver Schizophrenia Discussion Forum

Schizophrenic Husband blames Wife

The tension between my husband and I has been growing for the last couple of years. 2-3 yrs ago his medication changed and zombied him out. I went from having a fully functioning husband-as his schizophrenia was under control and practically unnoticeable-to having the clean him and clean up after him alone. Doctors didn’t listen to me. Time passed…I just tried to keep my head above water. I have PTSD so stress is very difficult for me and already takes a lot of personal work to fix, once it gets triggered often. My health rapidly decreased and a while of doctors and psychologists later, his medication was changed again. Things are starting to get much better with us as he is coming out of the fog. However, my health is horrible and I have had to do a lot of work to control and regulate my anger due to this situation. Because of all of this stress I have insomnia and I must have stability to heal. Our biggest issue now seems to be that he keeps blaming me for things that don’t exist…and using these things to pick fights and stress me out further. I’m sure his intentions are not vindictive but it is starting to feel that way. He definitely holds a grudge that I have been so sick myself. He can not see the work I have done over the last many months and how things have improved.
Example:
The other day he was up late on his computer. As it was very late and I had not slept for a few nights, I asked him if he was coming to bed.
“Are you coming to bed?”
“um, I really want to talk to the guys because they’re only online at this time…:(”
“ok”
“ok I’ll come to bed in 30 min”

That’s all there was to the convo. We live in a 2-room apartment so extra considerations for others is required. Our living and sleeping area is one room. He knows my need for stable sleep and that if I don’t go to sleep when I am tired enough to, the moment will pass and I will be unable to sleep for the rest of the night.

So he comes to bed and I can sense he is upset but he doesn’t communicate with me much and I was exhausted and needing sleep. Finally he says
“Thanks for ruining my night”

These sarcastic comment and cheap shots are common from him–now. This led to a 3 hour argument in which I explained why he was upset and what the reality of the situation was over and over and over again. I explained to him (and yes I was calm and collected this time-I am making great progress on my anger) there is no reason to be upset, he could simply take his laptop into the other room and chat as long as he wanted.
He sees the logic in it, and for a moment is stopped in his tracks. Then he goes off again over the exact same thing and I have to explain it to him again. Explain to him he is perfectly able to stay up and chat but he has to go to the other room because I have to sleep. I told him that instead of getting angry at me, he needs to stop assuming he knows what I am thinking and feeling and ask me. I explained to him that he could have simply asked me or just stated that he wanted to stay up later. He doesnt need my permission. He just needs to do whats necessary in the situation ie: go to the other room so the computer light and typing noise doesn’t keep me awake. We were awake for 3 hours because he would understand what I explained and then immediately go back into his original argument. He keeps blaming me for things that don’t exist.

We keep having the same conversations over and over and situations like this are just increasing. I have tried every angle. I have tried ignoring it. I have tried explaining it, which occasionally works. I have tried expressing my anger about it. I have sought counseling and classes on communication so I can better equip myself. I have exploded into tears and depression.
But when the argument is over something that he makes up in his mind and holds fast to. When he doesn’t trust me, his own wife. How am I supposed to get through to him?
How can I continue when I am attacked like this over nothing but his perception?

This is my last shot to find somewhere I can talk to people. I have no friends, no contacts and no family in real life. I have had to quit school and job searches and hope of having a future as an adult, as a wife. I am a mother of a 40 year old child. The circle of insanity must end.

How?

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I will repeat what I said in other thread and add more:

money, who controls it? does he smoke? who controls the purchase? does he drive? who holds the key? bribery is a good way…

get into a habit of leaving every Friday night and return Saturday, stay at a nice hotel, eat good, have drink or two, find a couple Young studs to work you over good, every weekend…

there are a couple women on this forum that simply divorced them but still helping them… all you have is you, all you have is chance for momentary happiness, all you have are years ahead to the end, all you have are diversions you create for yourself

As you know this goes nowhere, avoid it, never argue with an SZ

join the club, very few on this forum has any friends, try doublelist dot com for hookups

never argue with an SZ, call the cops if he is a danger to you or himself

IF YOU ARE YOUNG, LEAVE, START OVER…

I will cpy my previous response from the other thread and then add on :wink:

Money is too tight to have issues with it, thankfully. haha… He is on disability and many of our bills are automatically withdrawn from the account. :wink: That makes it nice financially anyway. He does drive which terrifies me but I make sure I am available any time he wants to and then I ask if I can come along. He knows I always drive if I’m in the car so he drives…only when he is the only one able. He does smoke and shop on his own. For our first 2 years it was difficult to tell he had any problems…but then when his meds were changed it all got destroyed.

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I know most divorce, but that’s not possible for me. I am a refugee and if I am no longer married to him I no longer have a country. I would really like to work through this and hope that we will be back to how it was before the med changes but it is very hard to hold on…I don’t know if it will ever be the way it used to be with us.
It was almost out of a fairy tale for the first 2-3 years. Amazing…He was very very sweet and gentle and quiet. He was the kind of guy that is so nice it makes you feel bad for him. Endlessly romantic. The memory of those few years are what I cling to…bittersweet but… If it can be like it was again, one day…it is worth anything.

I have however learned many psychological techniques…if one tries to look on the bright side…

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Thank you so much for your responses and advice! I will be putting much of it into practice…DO not argue back…yes…this will be hard because of the things he says to me but I do understand…I will try to do better.

I’m sorry I can’t reply like you did, showing the line…I’m still getting used to this platform.

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I have since began clearly defining and defending my boundaries with him. No more arguing. I have also scheduled a little vacation for me 2 nights… It’s a start.

When the aforementioned argument happened, it was not the first… but it seems somehow that it was a catalyst for great change. With me and hopefully with him. The next day he was very apologetic and he recognized on his own that it went way too far and was very bad. This was a first. It was a first for him to acknowledge a problem and mention it to me without me having to initiate the talk about it. He even initiated a conversation about his diagnosis and history, which he never discussed before.

It has only been a few days and every day has it’s struggles…and I don’t want to get my hopes up. I know things will always be difficult. But I can’t help but hope that implementing the tips I was able to get from the info on this forum, has somehow helped.

Thanks to all of your input and reading other threads I have gathered sooooo much knowledge I never had before. It seems I have damaged myself further by not taking care of me…taking time away to relax being the main one. I just thought if I try harder, if I accommodate more…but reading the posts here and learning more I have come to realize I was an enabler. I did so many things for him that he stopped doing the things he could do himself. Yes he needs help with some things, but I was helping with way too much, burning myself out. As well as allowing the arguments about nothing and such. I still have much work to do but it starts with me setting my own boundaries, taking time for myself, and not feeding the frenzy. I also have much to learn about sz and medications they use here etc. Lots to learn.

I’ll keep you all updated. In hopes that my struggles help someone else, the way yours have helped and will continue to help me. <3

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