Ah, I hear you. Similar situation in terms of married for many years to high achieving professional who, in retrospect, has probably had some low level symptoms since his 'teens or twenties, but neither of us had any idea until a few years ago, when he began suffering from persecutory delusions.
His family and I managed to get him into treatment and he was doing very well on a very low dose of antipsychotic medication until he had to be tapered off due to side effects and relapsed, with the relapse due at least in part to impending retirement in my opinion.
He has been paranoid and withdrawn for six months now, including a lot of paranoia about me, which means that he doesn’t share a lot with me about the specifics of his experience. And even when he was doing better and working, he did not believe he was sick, so he also has anosognosia (neurological lack of awareness).
I totally agree with oldladyblue’s recommendation of Javier Amador’s book, “I’m not sick and I don’t need help”. I’d also suggest you watch the online videos he has available on his website.
This book and videos helped me a LOT in terms of rebuilding/repairing our relationship. It also got us to the point where he agreed to resume medications again if his psychiatrist wanted him to (so far, the pdoc has been holding off, as he considers my husband’s case ‘mild’ - which I guess it is, in terms of the range of symptoms, but even a ‘mild’ case of schizophrenia keeps him trapped in the house due to fears of surveillance).
I have also gotten wonderful support and advice from others here in the forum.
I really feel for you, and I can totally relate to feeling that you might crack. I have felt the same.
Take the time while your spouse is in the hospital to rest, recuperate and to plan your strategy for when he is discharged - Amador’s book has some good information at the end about how to cope with a loved one after an involuntary hospitalization.
My husband has not been hospitalized but he has taken several trips to see his family, whom he does still trust (bittersweet for me, as I’m glad he has a place to feel safe, but I so wish he felt safer with me).
I have used these times as opportunities to recupe and also to try to get myself in a better place for interacting with him when he returned - and I do think our relationship, which has been quite stressed by his symptoms, is steadily improving again.
Better times are possible, and if your husband functioned well (in love and work) before his psychosis, then the chances of him being able to be a good husband to you again are good. And people with onset of symptoms later in life tend to respond well to even low doses of antipsychotics.
Hang in there!