I desperately needed an attitude adjustment today. I watched God Knows Where I am on Netflix. That did the trick.
We are all they have.
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If anything reminds us how closely we have to monitor them, its that film.
I watched Strange Voices recently, it is much better than I remembered from the 80ās. I found the 1986 move āPromiseā on youtube and watched it recently.
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Along the topic of movies, I watched a Canadian documentary on Amazon Prime last night called āOut of Mind, Out of Sightā, about life in a mental hospital. It gives a very good look into life in the forensics unit for the criminally insane. I wish I had been able to see it before I was able to visit my son on the unit in the hospital where he is.
The routines and staff systems are very much like where my son is and I was able to learn a little more about the level system and how privileges work. It relieved my anxiety somewhat. It might be helpful to others whose family members are housed in a hospital.
I am also reading Mad in America (history of mental health treatment in the US) and I am Not Sick- I donāt Need Help.
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Iām back on the job after a good Thanksgiving break.
For those who arenāt American:
Thanksgiving is the holdiay we invented to help us decide how much we spend on Christmas presents for each family member (or if they get one at all! Haha!).
Just kidding!
Anyway,
It was good to spend some time with the family.
My sister is doing a good job of becoming the familyās new matriarch. I think my mom is breathing a sigh of relief that her daughter is taking the reigns on the big events.
I talked to my girlfriend about the idea of my sister being the primary host for family events, even if the girlfriend and I started our own family. She seems accepting of the dynamic, which is great.
My SzA brother is doing well enough. The holidays donāt seem particularly stressful for him and I can empathize with his lack of interest in festivitiesā¦ I tend to feel the same.
Itās great to spend time with family, but all of the pomp and circumstance is unnecessary to us brothers.
Nice to have an ally to help break up the superficial smarm, haha!
Anywayā¦
My interest in cars has been reignited recently.
Iāve always been a fan of performance machines, but hobbies related to cars are inherently expensive and time-consuming.
Having the new job and regular work hours means I have some room for a little fun on the weekends. I canāt start building my own projects, but maybe I can try to make it to some races and auto shows in the near future.
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Iām sad, I feel a heartache from sadness, I walked outside the house today so I can breathe and it felt bit better but my tears are close all day and I wonder if my afflicted sister who has been laughing quietly at her hallucinations, if her laughters mean a happy heart? Because my heart on the other hand isnāt happy now seeing her non-functioning. My CBT Doctor is asking me to be patient applying his techniques daily but it feels like eternity experiencing rejection and loneliness everyday for few monthsā¦
I am experiencing far less grief lately. For weeks now Iāve decided daily to be kinder to myself as I finally accepted that I cannot fix this awful illness my daughter suffers from. She seems relatively happy with her life and just desires to be left alone for the most part. So, I stopped beating myself upā¦ for the most part.
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@oldladyblue
Keep practicing that mantra.
Personally I remind myself that SzA is a mechanical problem, just like a broken arm or a paralyzed leg. Itās nobodyās fault when that happens accidentally and without warning and it is definitely nobodyās fault when Schizophrenia happens.
The symptoms and the hard times arenāt anyoneās fault.
They are just circumstance.
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I like to think so, that her heart is happy when she is laughing.
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Today was a good day. My son Lou will be transferred back to the state hospital for further treatment. Unfortunately he has returned to his original mental state. He has refused to take the medications while in the custody of the courts.
We are very grateful and hopeful that he can return to a program where he receives proper care.
I hope you all had a good thanksgiving.
Thank you all for listening, AnnieNorCal
For those of you who are not familiar with my sons accident and my sons assualt you can read my early activity. Lou is a very kind and loving young man. He was always very considerate of others, he never was in trouble with the law, and he never would have caused harm to another being. It is such a sad situation, but many good things have been in our favor. It has been 3 years since he accident and almost 2 years since we have seen him. Lou is able or was able to sign a ROI form but refuses and has not wanted us to visit. So we keep praying for the best, we patiently wait. Shalom
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Iām glad to hear from you, was worried because of the fires. I donāt know exactly where you are.
It sounds like Louās legal stuff is over, at least for now. If he has refused meds while in custody of the courts (jail?) maybe he will begin to agree once he is in the therapeutic hospital setting. My sonās experience in the hospital as far as care and treatment has been good. I understand your circumstances are different, but for both of them itās sure better than jail.
Iām so sorry he isnāt willing to see you. That must be the hardest part right now for you. Is he willing to talk to you at all? Keep trying, you never know. It has been one of the best things for me to be able to visit my son every week and I know how important it would be for you and can be for him.
I had a good Thanksgiving and hope you did too.
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I understand your heartache. Take hope in believing that you are doing all that you can for right now.
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Oh, good, @AnnieNorCal , I am happy that this good day happened for you and your son. Iām hoping that with proper care his mental state improves and that perhaps he will sign for you to be able to visit him.
Yesterday I watched the documentary @WAmac had recommended, Out of Mind Out of Sight available on Amazon prime. Four people in a forensic psych hospital in Canada are profiled, its not a perfect setting, but better than I expected of a facility.
Today I read that Bruce Springsteen spoke somewhat openly about his family and scz. What a tremendous thing this is for our community.
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Thanks for the heads-up, Hope.
I am a HUGE Bruce Springsteen fan, and hadnāt yet heard about this. I knew his dad had mental health issues but I hadnāt realized the extent to which it affected him, and worries for his own kids.
I hope Bruceās announcement helps reduce mi stigma in some way.
BTW: I found an article about it on Yahoo. I canāt figure out how to add the link.
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Never got with Springsteen, but I guess he is part of a narrow genre. His era was filled with a lot of contempt for the rules (especially the rules of making music) and thatās generally the kind I go for.
Speaking of musicians and family with disorders:
The latest album by Muse (which has some really great music videos up on YouTube) is titled āSimulation Theoryā there is another song called āThought Contagionā
Iām wondering if someone in the band knows someone with Sz. Or maybe they just became fascinated with studying Szā¦
Either way, itās got some good sounds if youāre into their style.
As for myself,
Iām doing surprisingly well. Seems like the new job has been a relatively comfortable fit.
Iām getting fed up with my brotherās lack of motion and motivation. He has goals, he just canāt seem to lift a finger toward them. And on a related note:
I had set aside a good chunk of money.
It was intended to help the first person who was cose with me that was doing the work, but needed a leg up on achieving goals. I spent years sitting on the money, just slowly adding to the account a little bit at a time.
Then 2018 started coming to a close and I realized:
The people who try donāt need my help.
The people who need it arenāt trying.
Silently, secretly, I held this cash until I realized it would never be put to use. Not to help fund an education. Not to help upgrade to a better car. Not to help put a down payment on a house. Nothing.
Because the people close to me who need those things havenāt ever even gotten to the point where money was actually holding them back, and never will.
So I spent it on myself.
After years of dilligent saving and strict budget control, I bought parts for my jeep and paid a shop to make it loud and fast.
Because that arguably wasteful use was at least some use at all.
I donāt feel bad about spending it to have something flashy to drive.
I feel bad about knowing the people close to me who donāt have the life they want are refusing to lift a finger for themselves first and fight hard to get what they deserve. If only once one of those people had started any endeavor that would bring them a more hopeful futureā¦
I would have been there, cash in hand and sleeves rolled up, to say āLetās do thisā.
Instead, I watch silently as they give up on themselves through mental barriers or for the comfortable, miserable options.
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@lovehope. When my daughter was first diagnosed she would always laugh out loud to internal stimulation. Not sure if the voices were entertaining her, but I could tell she was not tortured or tormented by them. After a few years, the laughing stopped. When I would ask my daughter, she would say she felt alright. Hope this helps.
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I received news about my son, his name is Lou. He will be transferred back to the forensic state hospital.
I have these sad overwhelming moments, does it ever get better? I have to express my sadness here. My youngest daughter understands, but no one can grasp my sadness.
AnnieNorCal
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Annie, your sadness will always be understood here on this forum. A motherās pain is like no other. Peace to you and your son.
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I can. It is almost unbearable sometimes. Everything takes so long and you never really know. Grief is strong.
Love and strength to you.
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I am sorry that you have to live with grief like this. It must be very hard to bear. The mental health system earlier failed you and your son, and it seems to me that it would be almost impossible not to feel very sad on a continuing basis. I wish you more calm moments to outweigh the sad ones. I am glad you have your youngest daughterās understanding.
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